sharkboy13
Active Member
ok uve all prolly come to just hear some novel criticism (this is the point where u knod or shake ur head) but ive come to get some feedback on a novel im writing (this is the point where u laugh at me for being a dumb 13 year old) well anyway ill start but my first disclaimer is any likeness to other books/movies/games etc etc is mere coincidence. here it goes:
Here we are now, the twenty-first century. Our world is divided into many regions and countries, our wasteful habits have lead to the slow destruction of our planet, and our edgey temperments cause us wars. Now, let's look forward, 500 years forward, the Earth is now divided into four empires, the Shloshaviks who control what is now the Asian and Australian continents, the Ablaks who control Africa, the Hoomlikes who control Europe, and one u may recognize, the American empire which streches from the poles down across the entire Western Hemisphere. Though bitter conflicts began as territories were established the empires are now allies. But they all have one common enemy, the Daimi, an affiliationof three known alien species. Though they have no known names they have been nicknamed by the UESGM (United Empire Space and Global Miliatary), Splitlips, named for their appendage-like jawpieces; Blacksnacks, named for their dark coloration and tendency to eat the dead of the enemy; and Nectroids, named for the nectar-like odor and ability to summon a bright flash of color to escape.
Now we begin our story, in a distant galaxy on a American fleet of warships, on one is a young Shloshavik journalist named Khord. Khord is sleeping until a loud crashing sound rocks the ship and heard, " Khord! Get up here! There r some shots of the Daimi you won't want to miss!" Khord grabbed his camera and raced up the stairs. He got to the bridge where he and his partner Ghandra started to take pictures, he paused. Through his lens he could see the light of a charging energy beam. He jumped to grab Ghandra and stowe away behind a control board. A blast shook him to the core. He opened his eyes to look at her but his world slowed and his movements seemed exaggerated, the soldiers screamed at them but because of their muffled voices he couldnt understand them. He then realized he was in shell shock.
When he came to his senses he whipped around and looked for Ghandra. He tugged on the shoulder of a nurse and asked, "What happened to my partner? Ghandra?" she answered with a grim look upon her face, "I'm sorry sir, Ghandra died from the blast." Khord brokedown and began to sob slightly, someone he had tried to save had just died. Just then a trio of soldiers stormed in, one yelled, "Quick! Run! A troop of Splitlips are headed this way! Get a weapon or get ou-!" At that moment a concentrated beam of energy cut through his head. The other two soldiers tried to respond but were cut down by a barrage of super charged plasma.
Khord darted behind a stack of boxes, a Splitlip stepped in, his eyes were trained down the barrel of his Beam Rifle, after looking around the room for any signs of resistance he called down the stairs in suprisingly good English, "It's all clear, nothing but unarmed civilians." He turned his back and pack of chilled hydrogen towards Khord. A larger Splitlip, obviously the leader stepped in followed by a small group of Splitlips. The leader had a cut across his eye. In his deep voice he said, "Take the nurses and anyone able-bodied back to the ship as hostages. We'll....take care of the wounded" Just then a squad of Blacksnacks came in and said, "Sir, we have cornered the crew into bridge." the large Splitlip knodded. Suddenly the nostrils on the Blacksnack flared and it turned its head toward Khord, it backed up and jumped on top of the boxes and started to slash at him. Khord thought quickly and remembered there was an emergency weapons case in every room. He looked up at the bony fingers of the Blacksnak and grabbed its arm and smashed it into the weapons case four feet to his left. He garbbed an assault rifle and peppered the air where the Splitlips stood. Khord went over to the bodies of the Splitlips and policed grenades and a retractable energy
[hr]
.
thats all im gonna post right now, my wrists getton sore
Here we are now, the twenty-first century. Our world is divided into many regions and countries, our wasteful habits have lead to the slow destruction of our planet, and our edgey temperments cause us wars. Now, let's look forward, 500 years forward, the Earth is now divided into four empires, the Shloshaviks who control what is now the Asian and Australian continents, the Ablaks who control Africa, the Hoomlikes who control Europe, and one u may recognize, the American empire which streches from the poles down across the entire Western Hemisphere. Though bitter conflicts began as territories were established the empires are now allies. But they all have one common enemy, the Daimi, an affiliationof three known alien species. Though they have no known names they have been nicknamed by the UESGM (United Empire Space and Global Miliatary), Splitlips, named for their appendage-like jawpieces; Blacksnacks, named for their dark coloration and tendency to eat the dead of the enemy; and Nectroids, named for the nectar-like odor and ability to summon a bright flash of color to escape.
Now we begin our story, in a distant galaxy on a American fleet of warships, on one is a young Shloshavik journalist named Khord. Khord is sleeping until a loud crashing sound rocks the ship and heard, " Khord! Get up here! There r some shots of the Daimi you won't want to miss!" Khord grabbed his camera and raced up the stairs. He got to the bridge where he and his partner Ghandra started to take pictures, he paused. Through his lens he could see the light of a charging energy beam. He jumped to grab Ghandra and stowe away behind a control board. A blast shook him to the core. He opened his eyes to look at her but his world slowed and his movements seemed exaggerated, the soldiers screamed at them but because of their muffled voices he couldnt understand them. He then realized he was in shell shock.
When he came to his senses he whipped around and looked for Ghandra. He tugged on the shoulder of a nurse and asked, "What happened to my partner? Ghandra?" she answered with a grim look upon her face, "I'm sorry sir, Ghandra died from the blast." Khord brokedown and began to sob slightly, someone he had tried to save had just died. Just then a trio of soldiers stormed in, one yelled, "Quick! Run! A troop of Splitlips are headed this way! Get a weapon or get ou-!" At that moment a concentrated beam of energy cut through his head. The other two soldiers tried to respond but were cut down by a barrage of super charged plasma.
Khord darted behind a stack of boxes, a Splitlip stepped in, his eyes were trained down the barrel of his Beam Rifle, after looking around the room for any signs of resistance he called down the stairs in suprisingly good English, "It's all clear, nothing but unarmed civilians." He turned his back and pack of chilled hydrogen towards Khord. A larger Splitlip, obviously the leader stepped in followed by a small group of Splitlips. The leader had a cut across his eye. In his deep voice he said, "Take the nurses and anyone able-bodied back to the ship as hostages. We'll....take care of the wounded" Just then a squad of Blacksnacks came in and said, "Sir, we have cornered the crew into bridge." the large Splitlip knodded. Suddenly the nostrils on the Blacksnack flared and it turned its head toward Khord, it backed up and jumped on top of the boxes and started to slash at him. Khord thought quickly and remembered there was an emergency weapons case in every room. He looked up at the bony fingers of the Blacksnak and grabbed its arm and smashed it into the weapons case four feet to his left. He garbbed an assault rifle and peppered the air where the Splitlips stood. Khord went over to the bodies of the Splitlips and policed grenades and a retractable energy
[hr]
.
thats all im gonna post right now, my wrists getton sore
