>:( Family Vacation

[rykna]

welllllllll............ Happy 4th of July. I'm considering succeeding from my family permanently(not that I can.. ).We have...oh wait let me rephrase that...."my Parents" have 2 cabins in northern Wisconsin on Lake Nelson. It has become a Van Dyke(my parents) tradition to celebrate 4th of July there with our family.
After I told my mother I was considering inviting my mother in-law to join us I got a whole new definition of what family meant/included.
First of all this is a Family tradition...hmmmm...Brian's mother equals family??

NO...just immediate family....

??? ooooooooookkkkkkay...
My mom asked this in a sweet, condescending voice~ this is my version of what she meant: "I am sick and tired of serving you guys and getting no praise or thanks for my slaving...so I want you and Brian to make one of the dinner meals." My brother was responsible for the other evening.
Fine, that was okay with me.
So the vacation begins....
Beautiful fireworks, nice warm campfire, and marshmallows to top the fun evening off.
Next day is our supper day. We planned to make Tacos, except when we opened the cooler we discover that we had forgotten to pack the cheese and lettuce. No problem...right? Go to town(10 minutes away) come back make dinner. Sounds simple right? NOT!!!!
First my mom and sister inlaw started scurrying around seeing if they have cheese or lettuce...Ahhh here...we have some...
Good, problem solved.......
Then ensued the 20 minutes of my mom's and sister's chorus of "How in the world could you possibly forget to bring lettuce and cheese??????"
Brian and I decided to run to town get a few missing ingredients and return and make dinner.
When we returned Brian browned the meat while I set the table. Dinner was ready in 15 minutes. We sat down at 7:45 pm.
My mom was missing....my Dad wanders in half way through the meal....
As we were finishing dinner, we spot my mom in her kayak. Instead of coming ashore for dinner she paddles by, we wave....she keeps her face and back to us as she passes by...
Brian and I clean up dinner....45 minutes latter my mom finally arrives.
"Would you like me to heat up some meat for your taco Mom?"
"No.." with out even looking at me and enters her cabin.
I went back to our cabin to work on the puzzle we brought. My nephew, Brian(18)( or little Brian ). Starts telling me after we left for town, my mom and dad yelling about us not getting dinner ready at 6, even worse they forgot some of the key ingredients. How can you not have dinner on the...blah blah blah blah.....

So for Friday and Saturday my Mom wouldn't even talk to me, and my Dad only talked to me if needed.
I was astonished, surprised, speechless, taken aback, flabbergasted, staggered...... Who were these people and what had they done with my family?????

Because of a childhood brain tumor, my life "literally" froze at 9 years of age. Over the past 23 years, my mental view of the world remained at nine years old. My family waited on me hand and foot, not knowing if I would still be with them next year. So my world revolved around me. What Rykna wanted, she got. That was "normal" to me. Now I am now 32, and my family still views me as 9 years old.
For the past 6 months Brian and I have started seeing a very talented marriage counselor. She has helped me to step out of my little 9 year old fantasy world and become the mature 32 year old woman I am.
So the new 32 year old Rykna came to the family vacation, not knowing what to expect, trying not to expect.....
What I found was a very different version of my family than I remembered.
My sweet mom, was resentful...constantly sucking you dry for compliments...spiteful...I could have produced a whole new season of "days of our Lives".
My dad, patient, quiet, slow to anger....now tight lipped, impatient...and easily agrivated....
I am still at a loss for words about this 4th of July vacation. I felt as though I had been ostracized...
Through the five days we were there... I witnessed for the 1st time what my family must look like to other families and strangers...
All the things I was taught to avoid they carried out...gossiping, blaming others, pointing fingers.....I was...ashamed.
Now that I am seeing the world from and adult's point of view for the first time it is a very different view...
Change is a very hard thing to approach or even consider...but I have been able, with Brian's support to step forward and move on with my life.
The only person I can change is me....the hardest part is that I have to accept the fact that my family may never be able to recognize or treat me as an adult, and I have to accept that they are a different from the family I remember, when I was "9"...because they change too.

 

[scotts]

WOW! There is a lot in that story, and maybe even more that is not in that story. Others will tell you what you should/should not do. I am just going to tell you to stay strong and sounds like you are going on a good path in your life.

 

[jennythebugg]

I'm really sorry you had a bad 4th . your folks sound 'hard to please' that is an inlaw issue with me.did you pull your mother aside and ask her if something was wrong? maybe they are stressed out? again so sorry your vacation bit the big one....jenny

 

[rykna]

Thanks...no problem.

My brother Jim had the best explanation...
"Mom has certain ideas about how things should be done, when thing don't happen exactly like she expected her whole world goes to pieces."
Jim's talent is dealing with people...nothing bothers him...we plan to have lunch sometime soon...and talk more about the situation.

 

[rykna]

Originally Posted by Scotts
WOW! There is a lot in that story, and maybe even more that is not in that story. Others will tell you what you should/should not do. I am just going to tell you to stay strong and sounds like you are going on a good path in your life.

That's me alright...I always take the path less traveled.

 

[lovethesea]

sounds like there is a ton going on behind the scenes to me. Just 2 cents, but coming from a family that is less than ideal/normal, when stuff like that happens, generally something has occured (your mom leaving, mom and dad fighting) something has been stewing and this was the excuse for their behavior. I would think if dinner was usually at 6pm they would have stated. Otherwise......like my family vacation.......the days are spent playing on the beach, lounging pool side, walking etc, so dinner is when everyone is ready to "call it a day". And if someone forgot to bring the cheese and lettuce and the grocery is no problem.........then whats the problem????
Other than something else is working behind the scenes and maybe you just aren't aware of it.
Plus, my therory in my adult life is...."you can pick your friends, but not your relatives". It has gotten me through some not so pleasent gatherings.

 

[tangman99]

Sorry about your ordeal. If it were me, come next year I would plan on doing something else away from your parents. You don't have to mean or rub it in their face. I would just say that we had already made plans to have a quiet 4th together and get away. It can be polite but it will relay volumes of information to your mother. Sometimes you just have to get the point across.

 

[rykna]

Originally Posted by lovethesea
Plus, my therory in my adult life is...."you can pick your friends, but not your relatives". It has gotten me through some not so pleasent gatherings.

Good point.

 

[rykna]

Originally Posted by TangMan99
Sorry about your ordeal. If it were me, come next year I would plan on doing something else away from your parents. You don't have to mean or rub it in their face. I would just say that we had already made plans to have a quiet 4th together and get away. It can be polite but it will relay volumes of information to your mother. Sometimes you just have to get the point across.

Go party with Brian's sister on the east coast

hmmm any good coral there?

 

[fishkiller]

Sounds kinda like my family. This is why I did not want to walk at my graduation. Dad calls.. "We're (him and his lame womanfriend) coming up the day before so we can do this and that, blah blah... You're mother's not coming is she?" NO DAD IT'S ONLY A COLLEGE GRADUATION! SHE DIDN'T PLAN ON COMING AT ALL!!! "What do you think?", I asked him. "Well that's wonderful! I already bought tickets", he said. Sadly enough, the christmas mornings from the past 28 years started popping in my head. This was our christmas- Wake up @ 5 or 6 in the morning, hurry up and open any presents that were under the tree while my mom hugged a mug of something other than coffee, trying not to cry. Race to the atlanta airport (if my mom couldn't afford the tickets, she would drive us), haul butt to miami where my dad is waiting, pissed off and half lit. Mom and dad would "chit chat" for a minute, then she would tear off in the van, crying of coarse. This was a lot like birthdays too. As time went on,
I started realizing that this had nothing to do with my parents wanting to spend time with their kids, but more about how bad they could hurt one another when the opportunity arose. Sometimes the truth hurts, and some families are not meant to stick together. But it's up to you! You let things bother you to the point of action. Take action, stand your ground as an individual, and tell them what you think. Even if it takes a couple years, they'll get it. As far as my situation, I will let you know how graduation goes....

 

[rabbit_72]

Ugh....feel all of your pain.That's what makes me happy to live about 1500 miles from my mother. She was a single parent raising 2 kids on little money. While some families were drawn closer by this sort of thing, although I have only read it in magazines, mine was a mess. My mother went on for years in my childhood and even still now, about how her family doesn't understand her or love her, how she is the black sheep of the family, blah, blah, blah, feel sorry for me stuff. Her idea of disapline was beating you with whatever she could find (the stories there are basically endless) and now that I am 35, she still tries giult trips, Like why I live sop far from her and the like. About how she never gets to see her only grandkids. I still have to hear about her divorce from my dad and how ugly it was and how he was a drunk and how he didn't even want us. Of all the sacrafic she made for us and how we are ungrateful ( my brother and I). And it doesn't matter what you say to reassure her, it isn't good enough. My uncle hit the nail on the head when he said she's "high mantinence". And my brother also nailed it when he say that when she visits or you visit her, you only have a time frame of 3 days, cause after that it gets ugly, for whatever reason. I don't even know why it gets bad after 3 days, but it does and my hubby agrees. I just hope and pray, with my husband's help, that I am not like her and just me.

 

[rykna]

Yikes and YIKES!!!! Thanks, it's good to have reminders that I'm not the only person in the world who family has issues. It's easy to forget that when you're right in the middle of the tornado.

 

[jennythebugg]

wow , ill make sure to pray for your families, i am very lucky to have the parents that i do , strict yes , but loving , understanding , generous and everything i hope to be as a parent.

 

[rykna]

Originally Posted by jennythebugg
wow , ill make sure to pray for your families, i am very lucky to have the parents that i do , strict yes , but loving , understanding , generous and everything i hope to be as a parent.
Amen! After all said I wouldn't trade my family for anything...after all, besides God, family for better or worse, loves you.

 

[nigerbang]

Wow....Alot of people have some crazy 'rents....

..So do I...My mother is a severe drug addict...I see her when she is bombed out of her mind, all sketched out of her mine..(And drunk....) wanting....Survey says.....Money..
I dont have a drug problem..So why would I support someone elses? She will call at random times..2 or 3 am..And want to know why I dont call her...Or how she wants to see my daughter..That she will call me back in the am to prove she is not high..I will hear from her about 6 weeks later..
I was thrown out at 17..No where to live, Gram was there though and she rocked..

My dad was never around when I was growing up..If you saw him 2 times in one week it was a treat...But he wasnt there b/c he was always working, To try and give us everything we wanted...When I turned 19 I bought my own house. My dad and I are best friends now..He is still trying to make up for lost time...My mother is a lost cause.....Dont worry R....It could always be worse..

 

[rabbit_72]

First, I'd like to say that, Jenny, I think you'd make a great mother, but I thought you already were one!! You certainly seem to have enough love in ya!
And yes, I always know that it could have been worse....getting thrown out of the house when you are so young is just plain wrong and I don't care what the kid does to deserve it. As parents, it is our job to take care of our children and treat them with love, even on the days we just want to run and hide.
And as far as families go, some were blessed to have wonderful, stable families and the rest just need to let go and do better for our own children and spouses. It doesn't have to be about money, just love! We all just have to stick together!
And NigerBang, congrats on buying a house at 19. Boy, that takes alot of strength and determination. Good for you!

 

[fishkiller]

And NigerBang, congrats on buying a house at 19. Boy, that takes alot of strength and determination. Good for you!

Ditto!

 

[nigerbang]

I found out a secret.......Work..Not alot of ppl want to do that...

I have "Helped" out since I was 12...wasnt that bad though..I played Baseball on a traveling team until I was 18..I saved alot of money...not to be one of those ppl...but I have over 35k saved into a savings fund and a little less tied up in other Low risk investments....Hopefully if I stay on track I can retire at 41....I am only 24 now (be 25 in AUG)...41 seems a long time from now...
I am going to move to AK soon, which will be good for money, I can still run half of my dads business from there and I found a job Surveying for around $38 an hour, so maybe I can shoot for 31..

 

[rabbit_72]

I'd hate to burst your bubble...but 41 really isn't all that far away <sigh>. It just keeps getting closer and closer and closer.......
hahahahehehehe

 

[rykna]

Originally Posted by NigerBang
....Dont worry R....It could always be worse..
WOW!!! Thanks for the wake up call