Good jokes... Ok for kids...

[clown boy]

HAHA!! Just had to post these!

Subbing for a Gorilla
An unemployed mime answered a want ad at the local zoo. He was told that the zoo's star attraction, a gorilla, had recently died, and they didn't have the funds to replace him. They offered him the job of dressing up, climbing into the exhibit, and pretending to be the gorilla during operating hours. The mime was skeptical, but, needing the money, he reluctantly accepted.
After a few days on the job, he found himself increasingly enjoying his chance to perform, and he also loved the adoring attention of the unsuspecting zoo patrons. And, as his antics became bolder, he found himself hanging on a tree limb taunting the lion in the adjacent exhibit to the delight of the crowd.
When the branch broke, it sent him tumbling into the lion's pen. The crowd gasped as the lion stepped over the mime and gave a mighty roar. The terrified mime began to shout, "Help! Help! Help!"
The lion angrily snapped under his breath, "Be quiet! You're going to get us both fired!"
Cold Winter
It was October, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell how cold the winter was going to be. But he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold, and the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared to be on the safe side. But, being a practical leader, he got the idea to go to the phone booth and call the National Weather Service. "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" he asked when we was in the nearest phone booth.
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist replied, so the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be absolutely ready.
A week later, he called the NWS again. "Does it still look like it's going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter." The chief went back and ordered his people to gather every scrap of firewood they could find.
After a third assurance from the meteorologist, the chief asked, "But how can you be so sure?"
"The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

 

[clown boy]

A Few Late Valentine Rhymes
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face.
I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
I don't speak a word of English.
Nothing is true. And that's the truth!
"There are no absolutes."
"Really?"
"Absolutely!"
Money doesn't always buy happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Why did they fire the cross-eyed teacher? She couldn't control her pupils.
I learn one new thing every day. Then, in order not to crowd my brain, I forget one or two things.
An optimist sees the glass half full. A pessimist sees the glass half empty. An engineer says the glass is as twice as big as it needs to be. A homeschooling mom sees the glass spilt. A homeschooling dad doesn't see the glass.
They just came out with a new bumper sticker that both Republicans and Democrats can use. "Run, Hillary, Run!" The Democrats put it on the back bumper; the Republicans put it on the front.
What did the judge say to the dentist? "Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?"
One way to rationalize procrastination is to think about it for a while.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray, wrinkled, and bald that they don't recognize you.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something right.
One nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
People who work sitting down are paid more than people who work standing up.
What's a good way to prevent sagging? Just eat 'til the wrinkles fill out.
Found in a fortune cookie: "You are a poor, pathetic fool who seeks advice from foreign bakery products."
It's hard to make a comeback if you haven't been anywhere.

 

[jtrzerocool]

Originally Posted by Clown Boy
Subbing for a Gorilla
An unemployed mime answered a want ad at the local zoo. He was told that the zoo's star attraction, a gorilla, had recently died, and they didn't have the funds to replace him. They offered him the job of dressing up, climbing into the exhibit, and pretending to be the gorilla during operating hours. The mime was skeptical, but, needing the money, he reluctantly accepted.
After a few days on the job, he found himself increasingly enjoying his chance to perform, and he also loved the adoring attention of the unsuspecting zoo patrons. And, as his antics became bolder, he found himself hanging on a tree limb taunting the lion in the adjacent exhibit to the delight of the crowd.
When the branch broke, it sent him tumbling into the lion's pen. The crowd gasped as the lion stepped over the mime and gave a mighty roar. The terrified mime began to shout, "Help! Help! Help!"
The lion angrily snapped under his breath, "Be quiet! You're going to get us both fired!"

 

[clown boy]

In the Space Age, man will be able to go around the world in two hours. One hour for flying, and one hour to get to the airport.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. (If you have a dog
What did the post card from the blonde say? "Having a good time. Where am I?"
What goes "clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop?" An Amish drive-by shooting.
Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the life out of the dog.
My memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Remember, when you go into court, you're putting yourself into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
If you are going to start cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
The young lady said to her grandpa, "I notice that when you sneeze, you put your hand in front of your mouth."
"Of course! How else can I catch my dentures?"
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
You can observe a lot just by watching.
Myth: a female moth.
Tomorrow: one of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
By the time we get old enough to care what anybody says about us, nobody says anything.
A conservative is a person who, when seeing someone struggling fifty yards out in a lake, will throw them a forty yard rope, ask them to swim ten yards, then pull them to safety.
A liberal would throw that same person a sixty yard rope, then drop their end and walk off to help with another good cause.
The trouble with winning a rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
Adult: a person who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
If you ask a bore how he feels, he will tell you.
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay us to do it?
Did you hear about the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw?
Did you know that half of the world's population is below average?
Wise men speak because they have something to say. Fools speak because they have to say something.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
Bullet: a female bull.
Exercise Program
This may be too strenuous for some, so start out easy and work your way up:
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Great job. Have a soda.
Three Cowboys
A Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian are out riding horses.
The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a long draught, then another. He then suddenly throws it into the air, pulls out his gun, and shoots the bottle in midair. The Californian looks at him and says, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"
The Texan says, "In Texas, there is plenty of whiskey and the bottles are cheap!"
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of Chardonnay, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun, and shoots it in midair. The Oregonian can't believe his eyes. "What the heck did you to that for?" says the Oregonian. "That was a perfectly good bottle of Chardonnay!"
The Californian says, "In California, we have plenty of Chardonnay and bottles are cheap!"
So, a while later, the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of Widmer Hefeweizen. He opens it, takes a sip, and then chugs the whole bottle. He then puts the bottle in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, and shoots the Californian. The Texan, shocked, says, "Why in the world did you do that!?"
The Oregonian replies, "In Oregon, we have plenty of Californians and the bottles are worth a nickel."

 

[zanclus]

A man walks into a pet store. He sees a lovely parrot in a cage with a sign that says " for sale $1500.00 . Guarenteed to talk or money back"
The man always wanted a talking bird and buys it, takes it home and well after a month the bird doesn't say a word.
Upset he calles the pet store and demands his money back.
The owner of the store informs him that he forgot to mention that parrots will not speak till they mate for the first time,and for $50. he can bring his bird in and mate it with a female in the store .
The man agrees and brings his bird back to the store. The store owner takes the parrot places it in a large cage with a beautiful female parrot and covers the cage.
After a few minute the cage starts rocking and loud squawks are comming from under the cover. The man scared ,pulls the cover off the cage only to find his bird on top of the female ripping her feathers out one by one.
Puzzled the man yells at his bitd "what the hell is going on?"
His bird turn toward him and replys " For $50. I want her

[hr]
"

 

[clown boy]

The Genie
A Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer are walking down a beach.
One day, they come across a lamp and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I wish for the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
Poof! With the wink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I wish for a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq, and Iran so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious states."
Poof! And again, with the wink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around all of those countries.
The American engineer says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, “Well, it's about five thousand feet high, five hundred feet thick, and completely surrounds those countries. Nothing can get in or out. It's virtually impenetrable.”
So the American engineer says, "Fill it with water."
Irish Ghost Story
It was the middle of a very dark and stormy night. A guy was on the side of the road trying to hitch-hike.
As the night rolled on, cars were scarce, and no lights lined the street. The storm was so strong that he could barely see a few feet in front of himself.
Suddenly in the distance he saw the head lights of a car coming towards him; It slowed to a stand still beside him.
Without hesitation, the guy gets into the car and closes the door only to realize that there's no one sitting behind the wheel. All of the sudden, the car begins to move. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a sharp curve in the road coming towards him.
Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. Still in shock, and just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel. Paralyzed with terror, he watches how the hand appears every time he approaches a curve.
Gathering all of the strength he has, the guy grabs the door latch, opens the door, rolls out onto the pavement, and runs as fast as he can to the nearest town.
Dripping wet and in shock, the guy runs into a local bar and begins to tell everyone about the horrible experience he'd just gone through. Everyone is standing around in silence and amazement as they notice the guy shaking and crying, but clearly not drunk.
About half of an hour later, two guys walk into the bar and in amazement one says to the other, "Look, Mick, that's the dummy that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
A Well-Planned Life
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to have a well-planned life?"
"Yes," said her friend, "my first marriage was to a millionaire. My second was to an actor. My third was to a preacher, and now I'm married to an undertaker."
"What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?"
"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

 

[clown boy]

Laws of Nature
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to go to the bathroom.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell your boss that you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you'll have a flat tire.
Law of Variation: If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you switched to.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of Mechanics: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Bio-Mechanics: The worse something itches, the harder it is to reach.
Law of the Theater: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest away from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: When you sit down with s cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Wilson's Law: When you find a product that you really like, they'll stop making it.
Boudreaux and GI Insurance
Boudreaux's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI Insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 100% sign up for the top GI Insurance.
This was odd because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux about his selling techniques, but that he would sit in the back of the room and watch Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have da normal GI Insurance and go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out da supplemental GI Insurance (which costs you only $30 a month), the government has to pay your beneficiary $200,000."
"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch do you think dey gonna send to Iraq first?"
Mujibar
Mujibar was trying to get into America legally through Immigration.
The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter America." Mujibar said, "I am ready now, sir, for taking your testing."
The Officer said, "Make a sentence using the words yellow, pink, and green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready." The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up and say, 'yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at Microsoft on the Help Desk.
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
1) If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2) A mouse trap, placed on top of an alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
3) If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
4) You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it does move and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

 

[clown boy]

The Rope
Eleven people were hanging onto a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to drop off, otherwise they were all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband, kids, and for men in general without ever getting anything back in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all of the men applauded.
General Equations & Statistics
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A Play on Words
1) A bicycle can't stand alone because it's two-tired.
2) What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3) Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4) A backwards poet writes inverse.
5) In democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.
6) A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
7) If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
8) With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9) Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you a-flat minor.
10) When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11) The man who fell in an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
12) A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart.
13) You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14) Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15) He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16) Every calendar's days are numbered.
17) A lot of money is tainted. 'Tain't yours. 'Tain't mine.
18) A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
19) He had a photographic memory which had never developed.
20) A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21) The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
22) Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23) When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24) Those who jump off of a

[hr]
bridge are in Seine.
25) When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26) Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27) Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28) Acupuncture is a jab well done.
29) Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
30) What do you call a fake bullet? Sorry, I'm drawing a blank.
31) What's amnesia? I forgot.
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The Ten Commandments: Texas Style
1) Just one God.
2) Worship the one who made the cow, now the cow itself.
3) Watch yer mouth.
4) Git yerself ter Sunday meetin'.
5) Honor yer Ma and yer Pa.
6) No killin'.
7) No foolin' around with another feller's gal.
8) Don't take what ain't yer's.
9) No lyin'.
10) Don't be a hankerin' fer summun's stuff.
Delivery
A company, feeling it was time for a shake up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business. The new CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "How much money do you make in a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 per week. Why?"
The CEO hands the guy $200.00 and screams, "Here's a week's pay. Now GET OUT, and don't come back!!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a delighted grin one of the workers says, "That was the delivery guy from Domino's Pizza."

 

[clown boy]

Originally Posted by zanclus
A man walks into a pet store. He sees a lovely parrot in a cage with a sign that says " for sale $1500.00 . Guarenteed to talk or money back"
The man always wanted a talking bird and buys it, takes it home and well after a month the bird doesn't say a word.
Upset he calles the pet store and demands his money back.
The owner of the store informs him that he forgot to mention that parrots will not speak till they mate for the first time,and for $50. he can bring his bird in and mate it with a female in the store .
The man agrees and brings his bird back to the store. The store owner takes the parrot places it in a large cage with a beautiful female parrot and covers the cage.
After a few minute the cage starts rocking and loud squawks are comming from under the cover. The man scared ,pulls the cover off the cage only to find his bird on top of the female ripping her feathers out one by one.
Puzzled the man yells at his bitd "what the hell is going on?"
His bird turn toward him and replys " For $50. I want her

[hr]
"
Umm... I wouldn't exactly call that a clean joke. : |

 

[zanclus]

Originally Posted by Clown Boy
Umm... I wouldn't exactly call that a clean joke. : |
Its not that bad lighten up ...

 

[luca brasi]

Billy Graham was returning
to Charlotte after a
speaking engagement
and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there
to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get
into the limo,
he stopped
and spoke to the driver.
"You know"
he said,
"I am 87 years old
and I have never
driven a limousine.
Would you mind if I
drove it for a while?"
The driver said,
"No problem. Have at it."
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off
down the highway.
A short distance away
sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out
and easily caught the limo
and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door
and when the glass
was rolled down,
he was surprised to see
who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car
and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor,
"I know we are supposed
to enforce the law...
But I also know that
important people are
given certain courtesies.
I need to know what
I should do because
I have stopped a
very important person."
The supervisor asked,
"Is it the governor?"
The young trooper said,
"No, he's more important
than that."
The supervisor said,
"Oh, so it's the president."
The young trooper said,
"No, he's even more
important than that."
The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper said,
"I think it's Jesus,
because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

 

[jtrzerocool]

Originally Posted by Luca Brasi
Billy Graham was returning
to Charlotte after a
speaking engagement
and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there
to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get
into the limo,
he stopped
and spoke to the driver.
"You know"
he said,
"I am 87 years old
and I have never
driven a limousine.
Would you mind if I
drove it for a while?"
The driver said,
"No problem. Have at it."
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off
down the highway.
A short distance away
sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out
and easily caught the limo
and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door
and when the glass
was rolled down,
he was surprised to see
who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car
and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor,
"I know we are supposed
to enforce the law...
But I also know that
important people are
given certain courtesies.
I need to know what
I should do because
I have stopped a
very important person."
The supervisor asked,
"Is it the governor?"
The young trooper said,
"No, he's more important
than that."
The supervisor said,
"Oh, so it's the president."
The young trooper said,
"No, he's even more
important than that."
The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper said,
"I think it's Jesus,
because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

 

[clown boy]

haha good one!

 

[clown boy]

Originally Posted by zanclus
Its not that bad lighten up ...
I know, but some parents wouldn't want their kid to take humor in that...

 

[clown boy]

Wow, this died out fast.
Bump.

 

[happyvac]

If NASA fired several cows into space, they'd be the herd shot around the world.

 

[nvmycj]

Originally Posted by Clown Boy
Wow, this died out fast.
Bump.

The appropriate, age specific jokes are few and far between....
but here's one......
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "What's with the long face?"
P.S.
What does "bump" mean?

 

[jennythebugg]

hahahahahahaha herd shot round the world...priceless

bump is just a word thrown on a reply to move a thread to the top again

 

[jtrzerocool]

Originally Posted by HappyVac
If NASA fired several cows into space, they'd be the herd shot around the world.
LOL

 

[rattler739]

those are great jokes.