Help with teenager

[t316]

Help... So I have a 13 year old son who is having a lot of difficulty with school and the overall ability to reason (that's putting it mildly). It's not the work, because he get's it. He has the ability to make straight A's and B's, he just chooses not to. He has always been a little introverted and hangs out with a small group of friends. We have always had challenges getting him to do his school work, but we have reached a new level of cluelessness that is about to give me an aneurysm.
He is basically failing two classes, English and History. The main reason is because he is not turning in his class work or homework. He's completing it, but not turning it in. Why? He always has some off the wall answer like, "I forgot" or "it was late so I figured she wouldn't accept it by then". We have had conferences with the teachers recently, and they comment on how 'capable' he is, but he just isn't applying himself. We have taken away his computer, iPod, TV, letting him know how he can earn them all back. There's nothing else to take away. Football season is over, otherwise I'd pull him from the team.
So now, not two weeks after having met with the teachers and getting back on track, I get an email from a teacher advising that he has accumulated another batch of 0's on homework and classwork that has not been turned in.

I also recently find out, from another source, that he has a big group project due next week (ahhhh, when were you going to tell me this?). So we rush to set up for his two buddies to come spend the night this upcoming weekend to work on the group project, only to find out that one of his buddies can't come now due to getting in trouble yesterday for setting off stink bombs in the hallway....

Faculty thought it was something malfunctioning with the air unit and called in a bunch of pro's (of course my son was right there in the thick of it...but not the one that did it, so he's not in trouble).
I mean seriously, something is missing here. We love him, have faith in him, and know that he can do it, but it's like I need to hook up jumper cables and my truck battery to the neurons in his brain to get some activity. We have questioned whether to just hold him back, maybe he's just not mature enough for the 8th grade. My wife is constantly having to monitor his work every night, and we have two other kids that need time/help too, but our 13 yr. old is draining it all.
I would love any insight or recommendations here. I don't know what else to do. Should I hold him back and hope that the embarrassment will make him wake up? Just ride it out and hope for the best? Do we give him everything back and give him just enough rope to hang himself and earn his way back to the 8th grade? Maybe lock him in a room and make him read cowfishrule threads all day...

Am I overreacting? I don't think I am because if we do nothing, he fails, and my other two kids would think that it's okay.

 

[cowfishrule]

unfortunatly, you can yell, scream, whatever. if he chooses not to absorb it, he's not going to. there is nothing you can do to change that.
all you can do is let him make his own choice. explain to him that colleges are getting really strict now with their entry requirements.
also explain to him that the reason you and your wife have to work so hard is because you didnt do well in school, or didnt go to college.
use a good passive-aggressive tone. teenagers are too young and dumb to pick up on it. lay it out for him, and then call it a night.
i went through the same thing with my parents. they took my stuff away, yelled, screamed, blah blah blah. i chose to ignore it. now, i am regretting it, but thats how it works. they dont realize it till later on.
also explain to him that in todays world, the 3 most important skills one can have are:

• common sense
• an extensive vocabulary
  a deep understanding of history

srlsy. chicks dig smart doods.

 

[veni vidi vici]

I have been going through the same thing with my 15 year old daughter.Nothing i said or did changed her course..I was at the point where she was pretty much a prisoner at home.I grounded her till she was 18.Recently i went to see he Guidance counselor and low and behold,he got through to her,he did something that my wife and myself couldn't do over the last 2 years in one meeting.He basically said"Hello,I'm your guidance counselor and we are going to be real good friends from now on until you change your ways"

Kids???It has been amazing how fast she had changed her attitude. I guess sometimes a 3rd party intervention is a very helpful tool.
Good luck ,i know your going to need it.

 

[ruaround]

yelling will get you no where... does he understand the consequences??? im mean TRUELY understand the consequences???
leave it up to him... afterall it is his grade... i KNOW you want him to succeed, but he is gonna do what he is gonna do...
taking away all luxuries is a good idea at first, but what did he do to deserve them in the first place... if they dont hold a true value to him he wont care... something that holds a value like being held back is something my father did... took me into the principal and asked what it would take for me to be held in the same grade til i got it right... i started doin homework and turning it in... lol...
*like triple V said a 3rd party will probably get through to him...

 

[veni vidi vici]

Originally Posted by COWFISHRULE
http:///forum/post/2845029
unfortunatly, you can yell, scream, whatever. if he chooses not to absorb it, he's not going to. there is nothing you can do to change that.
all you can do is let him make his own choice. explain to him that colleges are getting really strict now with their entry requirements.
also explain to him that the reason you and your wife have to work so hard is because you didnt do well in school, or didnt go to college.
use a good passive-aggressive tone. teenagers are too young and dumb to pick up on it. lay it out for him, and then call it a night.
i went through the same thing with my parents. they took my stuff away, yelled, screamed, blah blah blah. i chose to ignore it. now, i am regretting it, but thats how it works. they dont realize it till later on.
also explain to him that in todays world, the 3 most important skills one can have are:

• common sense
• an extensive vocabulary
  a deep understanding of history

srlsy. chicks dig smart doods.
Kids are very different these days...Defiant and have no respect for authority.

 

[aquaknight]

Is he in 8th grade or going into 8th grade? Has he mentioned anything at all about highschool, how life will change, etc? I know some kids may drag their feet and not want to have life permeantly change by going into highschool.

 

[spanko]

something that holds a value like being held back is something my father did... took me into the principal and asked what it would take for me to be held in the same grade til i got it right... i started doin homework and turning it in.
Your father was a wise man. the embarassment of being failed in front of your peer group and having them move on without you.

 

[t316]

Originally Posted by AquaKnight
http:///forum/post/2845039
Is he in 8th grade or going into 8th grade? Has he mentioned anything at all about highschool, how life will change, etc? I know some kids may drag their feet and not want to have life permeantly change by going into highschool.
He is in 8th grade now.
All good advice guys, I'm soaking it in. I understand what you guys are saying about yelling, so we try not to yell. As far as whether he understands the consequences, I doubt it. It's like talking to a brick wall, or yet sometimes, he seems to get it, tells us what we want to hear, then does the same thing again.
I'm about at the point of just sitting down and saying, here's your stuff back, your on your own from here out. I know this sounds bad, and it's going to be bad, but I don't know what else to do. Maybe when he see's that we are serious he will change on his own.

 

[cowfishrule]

Originally Posted by Veni Vidi Vici
http:///forum/post/2845037
Kids are very different these days...Defiant and have no respect for authority.
i know that.
explain to him the consequences and let him make his choice. tell him he has to deal with the results of his decisions. a great lesson in cause-effect.

 

[braydonosu]

I'm only 23 so i can remember those days of being 'too cool' to listen to my parents. It's really something that all teenagers go through and it takes a different approach to get through with every kid. Personally I was given enough rope to hang myself - when I did, I lost everything and had to work to get it back. I can't say that this was the best approach because I found myself doing just enough to get by in high school. When I got to college and started paying for school i turned around. right out of school i landed a sweet job as an actuary and as much as I dislike my parents for punishments and maybe caring a little too much - I probably have them to thank that I'm not working at a place like ***** for the rest of my life.
Offer to help him with anything - If he doesn't want it let him hang himself, It's really the only way he'll learn. The third party intervention may work - have an advisor tell him how close he truely is to failing the 7th grade. I'm pretty sure it wasn't until I was 20 that I realized that my dad really did know more about life than I did.

 

[veni vidi vici]

Unfortunately rarley are kid flunked or held back today because of a practice known as social promotion.
~Wikipedia~
Social promotion is the practice of promoting a student (usually a general education student, rather than a special education student) to the next grade despite their low achievement in order to keep them with social peers. It is sometimes referred to as promotion based on seat time. Advocates of social promotion argue that promotion is done so as not to harm the students' self-esteem, to keep students together by age (together with their age cohort), to facilitate student involvement in sports teams, and to allow a student who is strong in one area, but weak in another, to advance further in the strong area.
In Canada and the United States, social promotion is normally limited to Kindergarten through eighth grades, because comprehensive high schools are more flexible about determining which level of students take which classes, which makes the concept of social promotion much less meaningful.
The opposite, to "hold back" a student with poor grades, is called grade retention. Other options include after-school tutoring or summer school.

 

[scotts]

OK, I am coming from a completely different track than everyone else. Here in CA we can see our kids homework on a website. Also we can see their grades on the homework and if they are turning it in. It helps to stay on top of them and it is easier to ask, did you fo this today? Instead of asking, why did you not do this last week? Also someone told us, you do not ask, did you do the homework, you say, show me the homework you did. Then you know for sure they did it.
Now comes the hard part and I say this from the point of view who has an autisic kid, and in fact our other kid was in Special Ed to begin her school career. He might have something, or even a touch of something. You should have the school psychiatrist observe him. She can tell you what she sees, even if it is nothing she might have some ideas to help him out. You will have to fill out a bunch of forms allowing her to observe him, all the privacy laws. Even if she says he has something, or even needs extra help that does not mean he will be in a special ed class. Just that they might have some resources to give him the extra help he needs to succeed in school. I am not talking the counselor, to me they aren't even worth talking to, even though it sounds like they have helped some people.
Scott

 

[veni vidi vici]

Originally Posted by COWFISHRULE
http:///forum/post/2845052
i know that.
explain to him the consequences and let him make his choice. tell him he has to deal with the results of his decisions. a great lesson in cause-effect.
I would agree but in this case cause-effect means if i let my child learn via School of Hard Knocks.She will wind up asking customers if they want fries with their order while saying to herself"Man i wish i would have listened to my parents"

 

[ruaround]

Originally Posted by Veni Vidi Vici
http:///forum/post/2845060
Unfortunately rarley are kid flunked or held back today because of a practice known as social promotion.
~Wikipedia~
Social promotion is the practice of promoting a student (usually a general education student, rather than a special education student) to the next grade despite their low achievement in order to keep them with social peers. It is sometimes referred to as promotion based on seat time. Advocates of social promotion argue that promotion is done so as not to harm the students' self-esteem, to keep students together by age (together with their age cohort), to facilitate student involvement in sports teams, and to allow a student who is strong in one area, but weak in another, to advance further in the strong area.
In Canada and the United States, social promotion is normally limited to Kindergarten through eighth grades, because comprehensive high schools are more flexible about determining which level of students take which classes, which makes the concept of social promotion much less meaningful.
The opposite, to "hold back" a student with poor grades, is called grade retention. Other options include after-school tutoring or summer school.
this philosophy is the downfall to our society!!! i cant STAND IT!!!

 

[cowfishrule]

Originally Posted by Veni Vidi Vici
http:///forum/post/2845068
I would agree but in this case cause-effect means if i let my child learn via School of Hard Knocks.She will wind up asking customers if they want fries with their order while saying to herself"Man i wish i would have listened to my parents"
not abandon them.
guide them but let them make their decisions.

 

[kingsmith]

Ah the old he is so capable and he has such potential, that echos from my old school days. Well its hard to get a child to understand that what they do now can effect their future but luckily he still has pklenty of time. If I had to guess he is much like I was not challenged. If he is smart like you say he suffers from the I can do this easily syndrom and why bother it won't help me. It won't be easy but try to get him into something that is interesting to him and chalenges him and clearly explain throughout his grammer and high school carreer why all this will effect his future life and GoodLuck

 

[veni vidi vici]

Originally Posted by COWFISHRULE
http:///forum/post/2845078
not abandon them.
guide them but let them make their decisions.
I'm just speaking from experience from my own children.One is open to this and the other will keep trying to put their hand in the fire convinced that they can do it without getting burned.

 

[oceanlover]

Teenagers are God's way of getting back at us for the grief we gave our own parents.

I have two teenagers - a 15 year old boy and an 18 year old girl. I know it is sexest to say they are different creatures, but they are. In general, boys mature a bit slower than the girls. (Of course, there are many exceptions.)
So my first piece of advice is take a deep breath and try to relax. Being tense, frustrated, and stressed will only raise your blood pressure and make you ill. It will not open your teenagers ears or make his brain work. Although we all want our children to succeed in life, there are many straight-A students who are a failure in life and many barely-C students who have outstanding lives.
My son is a straight A student except for PE. This is frustrating as he is an astounding athlete- snowboarding and skateboarding. But he won't be pushed to run a faster mile. Sigh. But hey, if that is the worst I contend with, I'm lucky.
After you've taken your son to a medical doctor and had him checked for obvious problems (hearing, seeing, ADHD, dyslexia, etc.) and your son is in 8th grade, this is the best time to let him fail. This is hard for you and your spouse. But these grades won't affect his college application. Today's kids are used to being spoon fed everything they want, they don't know that they have to work for things. Let some reality sink in to his skin and don't be surprised if it doesn't seem to bother him at first.
This summer would be a good time to have him take a summer job (if he can find one in this rotten economy). Let him see how awfully boring a minimum wage job can be.
As parents you may need to make some adjustments too. Have your son do his homework at the kitchen table while dinner is cooked. Discuss a little bit of what he finds interesting with him. Is he studying history? Is there a weekend trip somewhere the family can go that would tie into it? Is biology more his thing,? There are a ton of fun family activities that tie in. Does he love math? Are there some fun math puzzles you can do together (Sudoku, etc?). When he's done with his homework, watch him put it away. Is the homework in a place in a binder that he can easily find or is it just shoved into the bottom of his backpack never to see the light of day again?
Kids of this age generally HATE IT when you show up at school with them. Can you take him to school in the morning, park the car, and walk to his classes and turn in all the homework before the school day starts? I guarantee he will hate it and maybe that will inspire him to turn in his homework on his own.
This age is all about peer relationships. How well do you know his close friends? Are they kids who aspire to good grades and going to college? He will listen to the kids he hangs with.
Your son's whole life can't be just school and homework. Lots of the schools give the kids really hard curriculum and hours and hours of homework. But he needs time to have some fun and time to be a kid. He needs time to be with you and his siblings doing something fun. In my family we try to do fun things- always varied. One week night we may play some scrabble. Other nights we may take the dogs walking in the dark to see the wildlife. Some weekends see me driving him and his friends to a remote skateboarding park. You'd be surprised what you learn in those longer car rides. When the kids are skateboarding, I read and then go pick up a lunch from somewhere close by and bring it back to the kids. I'm 54 but I will get on the skateboard and go around the park a little if that's what he wants. (I don't do the jumps or tricks- I'm not crazy.) Of course, before we leave, his homework needs to be done.
IMO, I am not big on taking his things away from him. But I will moderate their usage. If his homework is done, he can play on the computer, listen to his IPod, etc. If you take his stuff away all the time, he'll find other things to occupy himself and you may not be happy about his new choices.
There is good news, eventually time passes and he won't be a teenager anymore. Some people grow up early, some grow up slow, and a few never seem to get their act together. Enjoy his good traits, love him now, and pray/hope that things get better as he ages. . . . . but its not going to be soon. Have patience. . . .

 

[bnutz244]

I had this issue a few years back my son is now 16 and the perfect angel

wants the keys now but I found that yelling and screaming just made me horse so hit em where they want to be I made an honest arrangement with my son I would pay him weekly for his grades as if it was a job I can track his grades online. so it basically went like this A=$10, B=$8, C=$5, D and F= $0 so with 6 classes he had the ability to make up to $60 a week. Also to back this all I bought were necessities, nike wnt out the window and hello pro-wings, got the old B/W tv out the garage and put it in his room, phone poof, etc. left the video games that is motivating because they always want new games and for him it was music so the stereo I bought went in my daughters room. So until he got it right he had to clothe and entertain himself on his dime not mine now it is just a regular ritual he comes to me now 3 years later and ask did you see my grades (we stopped the payment treatment about 6 months ago) he now does it for himself
just my two pennies

 

[stdreb27]

You gotta remember you think in terms of over the next ten years. And you're lucky if he is thinking in terms of the next ten minutes.
I was the same way, lazy and bored in school. Because it wasn't hard enough. Seriously the easy classes I made c's in the hard ones I made A's.
Personally, why not pay them for their grades? $50 bucks for an A type thing. I think (me included) that kids take everything for granted. From food on the table to all their toys. It is their right and they're entitles to em. So why not teach him real life early. He has to "work to eat and for a room" (stuff around the house) then pay him when he makes good grades.