Need a little advice from an outside perspective

[porkchop48]

Ok I dont really know you guys here all that well so I am hoping you guys can offer some unbiased advice.
On to the story.....
My sister is on her second marriage ( not really sure what happened to the first one) about 2 years ago it was found out that her new husband is a drug addict ( heroin) . Eddie is his name. Eddie was not paying the bills like he said he was and bouncing a bunch of checks. Car almost got repoed and utilities got shut off. My sister borrowed money from her employer( really nice guy) and got everything fix. I spent hours on the phone getting him into rehab ( had two different dates set up for him ) called in favors for the doctors I work for to get him into the places sooner. he never showed up for either one. His mother gave him the money to get the perscription that is suppost to help kick the habit. ( did not work for him but he did not take it as perscribed). Finally my parents get mad because there is a child envolved ( from her first marriage ( travis age 12) and go an get her to get her out of the situation ( not sure if it was violent or not) but no food in the house and a husband that is constantly bringing his friend over and doing drugs in the house.
Three days later mty sister goes back. ( 1st mistake)
Move ahead 6 months and it starts all over again. Travis calls his real dad( Bob) and ask him to come get him because he no longer feels safe in the house. Bob calls and gets a restraining order from eddie to keep him away from travis. My sister decides again she wants to leave and I spend my two days off of work helping her move into my parents house. ( she doesnt have a good enough job to be on her own yet), my mom helps gets a second job to get back on her feet ( which she still has not started yet, she says she is too stresses). I get all her frogs and such dumped at my house ( I have plenty of my own to take care of but not too big of a problem) My mom lets her borrow their extra vehicle so she can get back and forth to work just to find out that she has been going to visit eddie( the addict) and going out to dinner with him.
She was told my CPS that if she goes back she will lose her son. My parents are mad they she is using their vehicle to go see him. I am VERY mad

that she told me yesterday that she is going back to him
WHat do I do? Write her off? She is no longer welcome at my house. We will no longer be doing reptile shows together. Is there anything I can say to her to make her realize this is probably a mistake.
Any advise will be greatly apreciated.

 

[dragonzim]

Unfortunately it sounds like she's made her choice and I am not sure that anything you do will get her to change her mind about this loser.

 

[scotts]

I am an alcoholic. I had to go through a program to stop. (you could call it rehab, although it was really a meeting every evening) So I know that not only does Eddie need to know he has a problem (which he does know) but that he has to want to quit. (Which he may or may not want to do) There was one guy who came into our prgram who was taking the drug that is supposed to make you sick if you drink, and he was still drinking. So really forget about Eddie.
Your sister is "enabling" him. She probably thinks he cannot survive without her, which may be true. However she has obviously chosen Eddie over her son.
One thing to consider at a time like this is that reational thought is just thrown out the window. It is truly a spiral effect that is hard to see how you can get out of, which makes you feel worse and so you go farther down the spiral......
My advice, tell your sister that you will be there for her when she wants to get help. Serious help not just "give me $200 so I can get the lights turned back on." Until then there is nothing you can do for her, IMO. I mean everyone is different and maybe the intervention thing for her NOT for Eddie. But I am a cut and run type of person so I would tell her that when she really wants to talk and get help, I am there. Otherwise any help you give her is just helping her enable Eddie.

 

[renogaw]

I've gone through this sorta.
There is NOTHING but him hitting rock bottom, getting put in jail or the hospital, that will stop your sister from going back to him, etc.
ESPECIALLY if you and your family writes her off. Who will she turn to for emotional support?
you guys already made the mistake of bailing her out of her financial issues. That was your mistake, not hers. You need to be there for her because she will need your help to get out of this relationship. don't give her money, don't give her cars, dont do anything financially.
she needs to realize also that as a drug addict, especially heroin where needles are involved, she is putting herself at a HUGE health risk for STD's. don't judge her, but tell her that this guy is not allowed near your house.
the real loser here is the child unfortunately. by putting the sister out of your life, you're also putting the child out of your life, and that is not fair.

 

[cowfishrule]

i am the kind of person that will do anything for somebody as long as they want to help themself first.
she needs a quick lesson in cause and effect. she is a mother before a wife. when your own son feels unsafe in the environment, doesnt that tell you something? hopefully travis gets removed and placed somewhere that he feels safe, whether its his father, or your parents house. (look, i hate to use travis as a pawn, but a) he's 12. he knows what is going on, and b) he's the "ace card" in this situation. maybe then she'll wake up.
i know somebody who was the "eddie". she ended up losing her kids (3 of them). her mom became legal guardian, and she ended doing drugs and living out of her car in newark somewhere.
i know addiction is a bitch to break. but you cant help somebody that doesnt want it.

 

[cowfishrule]

tuff love....

 

[porkchop48]

Thanks guys.
My mom is going to have a talk with her today. She is going to tell her that she is not going to have use of the car if she continues to go asn see him. I have no idea how that is going to go.
The reason she is no longer welcome at my house is because my other half is very mad that we spent all the time helping her move and keeping her critters just for her to go back.
I am not going to cause problems with me and him because she wont help herself.
Eddie has stated that he has a problem. But i am not sure if he wants help or not. When I called him last time and told him that I managed to get him moved to the top of the waiting list for the one rehab ( one where you go an stay there) he kept saying thank you thank you. I want to fix this I want to make it work. he just never went.
One reason that I no longer want to so reptile shows with her is that she always drives ( i drive a jeep no room for frogs and supplies) and it is his car. Last time he threatened to report the car stolen unles she brought him back something to eat ( we were a 1/2 hour away)
I really like travis and I do believe he will go live with his real dad. Which I do get along with so I will still be able to see him and my parents will also.
Ok no no more help from my end. She can call me if she needs to talk but I will not be helping financially or moving her any more.
I have a bunch of her frogs what should I do keep them for her? tell her to come get them?
Thanks a bunch guys.

 

[nacl freak]

I would ask her to make arrangements to pick up her frogs. Don't ENABLE her. That includeds taking care of ANY of her responsibilities. An old saying came to mind "You can lead a horse to water,but you can't make him drink." One thing you can do for all involved. Pray

 

[jdl]

making arrangements for help is great. But i would have been there to drive his butt there. People that have this type of addiction need forced into help sometimes. Plus it is a lifelong addiction. If he does goto rehab, he wont be magically cured. It will be a daily struggle to stay clean.
Your sister needs to get some help too. Her choices were terrible, especially because of the child involved.
You have the option to make a difference in 3 lives. Or you could turn your back and hope for the best. I dont know the entire story, so walking away may be the better choice. Just make sure you can sleep at night with whatever choice you make.
Goodluck.

 

[el guapo]

Hey porkchop
First off I agree with everybody else . A few members of my family have had to go through the adiction/ rehabilitation thing so I feel for you . You can't keep bailing your sister and her dirt bag husband.
You need to get your sister some help . Eddie isn't the only one with a problem here . Your sister is an enabler she is cought in a circle of thinking . You need to get her to some alanon(sp) meetings . It wouldn't hurt if maybe you and your parents went too . The thing is their is a ripple effect here and more people than just your sister and eddie are suffering . Herroin is nasty stuff and even if edddie doesn't want to get healthy at this point in time your sister can .
Its hard to do because she is going to have a complete life change in order for this to work .
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
http://www.ola-is.org/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al-Anon
I know its not a lot a help but it might point you in the right direction .

 

[porkchop48]

I have voiced my concerns over STD's and other possible diseases ( hepatitis) It just does not seem to sink in.
I would have loved to take him my self but my sister took the day off of work to take him and next thing you know his mom is giving him money to get the script that was suppost to help him.
I definately think my sister needs help and I have told her thay but she does not think that she does.
Eddie took something from travis at one point in time ( CD case i think) Travis knew about it so when eddie left he went and got it back. Later when my sister and eddie got into a fight and eddie left travis asked my sister if eddie was doing drugs and my sister said yes but she did not know what kind. Travis's answer to the was "i do" and brought out the used needle to show my sister.
They live in a house that is run down and dirty and owned by eddie's grandparents. Floors are rotted out and it is just not a good place but she thinks that if something happens to Eddie his parents will take care of her for the rest of her life. She has said numerous times she wishes he would go to jail or OD.
I just dont understand here thinking. I hate to not help at all but I cant keep helping her so she can keep helping him continue to do drugs. I completely understand what you guys are saying.
I know if I turn my back and something bad happens to Travis or my sister I am going to feel like I could have prevented it. But if I continue to involve myself in it, it cause problems for me with all the unecessary drama.
It has only been 3 week that she has been at my parents ( not the greatest place to go at 33 years old but hey i had to do it at 25 years old, things happen, that's why they make parents to help out and be there when you really need them)
She keeps saying that she still loves him, well heck when I left my husband it sucked but sometimes you need to think of your self first ( and in this case her child first)
You guys have given some great advice and I may show here this thread so she does not think it is just me saying she needs help. Thank you also for the link I will definately look into it.

 

[scotts]

I have to admit I am a little torn here. You say she has been away from Eddie for 3 weeks? Well that is a glimmer of hope. However she has to WANT to get better. I mean look at it this way, Eddie is hooked on Heroin and she is hooked on Eddie. So she has an addiction she has to kick just like he does.
Also while there is no nice way to say this I will say she is not coming across as the mother of the year. She is with a guy who is doing hard drugs. Then she says she thinks he is doing drugs, but not what type. So her son pulls out a bunch of needles...

Well any normal person at that point would pack up their stuff and their kid and get away fast!
Where does that leave you? I agree with looking at some type of oustide resource. However one that YOU feel comfortable with. There are some that will say, you have to get involved and be the driving force behind them getting help. But if they don't want the help then you are just getting everyone, including yourself, pissed off.
However push comes to shove you have to look out after yourself first. That may just be telling her what you think, and then letting her make her own decision.
Like I said before though, consider rational thought to be not there. Also remember this is really tough. I mean what would you do if someone told you that you had to give up your frogs?