Post Jokes Here!

clown boy

Active Member
I've posted some of these before, but there are new folks here.
An unemployed mime answered a want ad at the local zoo. He was told that the zoo's star attraction, a gorilla, had recently died, and they didn't have the funds to replace him. They offered him the job of dressing up, climbing into the exhibit, and pretending to be the gorilla during operating hours. The mime was skeptical, but, needing the money, he reluctantly accepted.
After a few days on the job, he found himself increasingly enjoying his chance to perform, and he also loved the adoring attention of the unsuspecting zoo patrons. And, as his antics became bolder, he found himself hanging on a tree limb taunting the lion in the adjacent exhibit to the delight of the crowd.
When the branch broke, it sent him tumbling into the lion's pen. The crowd gasped as the lion stepped over the mime and gave a mighty roar. The terrified mime began to shout, "Help! Help! Help!"
The lion angrily snapped under his breath, "Be quiet! You're going to get us both fired!"
 

k-rok

Member
What do hurricanes and women have in common?
When they come in they're all wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car with them. =)
 

nyyankeees

Member
Mental Health Hotline
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.....
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
 

bjoe23

Active Member
Originally Posted by NYyankeees
Mental Health Hotline
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.....
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
 

nyyankeees

Member
This isn't really a joke but more of a prank. My Aunt ask the granddughters (my cousins) if they want to to see a real ghost. They said yes, so she showed them that trick video of the car driving in the country and then the scary face pops up at you, lol. Watch the lil girl on the left, Jalyn, she hauls butt outta there and almost plows everyone over, lol. My Aunt said they were traumatized for like 20 mins after that, but it sure is funny to watch.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fu...2-96fb583070a0
 

renogaw

Active Member
sry keriann, but you almost killed the thread there...
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

[hr]
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

[hr]
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a

[hr]
and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacc o
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy's face is on a milk carton!)

[hr]
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[hr]
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

[hr]
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS"

[hr]
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wi fe hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[hr]
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
 

clown boy

Active Member
Originally Posted by renogaw
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS"
 

bigarn

Active Member
A horse walks into a bar ... the bartender looks at him and quips ... "So why the long face"?
 

bigarn

Active Member
For our 25th anniversary I took my wife to South Africa.
For our 50th I'm going to pick her up ....
 

wangotango

Active Member
A like this Christmas joke (Jim Gaffigan)
Mary: "Joseph, you know how we haven't..."
Joseph: "Yeah!"
Mary: "Well, I'm pregnant."
Joseph: " (pause) JESUS CHRIST!"
Mary: "Oh, you already heard."
-Justin
 

kidreef

Member
Originally Posted by WangoTango
A like this Christmas joke (Jim Gaffigan)
Mary: "Joseph, you know how we haven't..."
Joseph: "Yeah!"
Mary: "Well, I'm pregnant."
Joseph: " (pause) JESUS CHRIST!"
Mary: "Oh, you already heard."
-Justin
i love that guy he is soo funny
 

wangotango

Active Member
Originally Posted by kidreef
i love that guy he is soo funny
Yeah, he and Demetri Martin are my favorites. Wanda Sykes is probably one of the funniest people I've ever seen too.
-Justin
 
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