Post Something Funny...
- Thread starter ruaround
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shu-perman
Member
socal57che
Active Member
Ther have beed a lot of threads that turn into religious debates lately so....here goes.
A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of a curved road, pounding a sign into the ground that reads: "The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now - Before It's Too Late!" As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"
A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of a curved road, pounding a sign into the ground that reads: "The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now - Before It's Too Late!" As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"
socal57che
Active Member
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
- The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
- The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
- The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.
- The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the minister reported the following results:
-The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
- The second worm in cigarette - Dead.
- The third worm in chocolate - Dead.
- The fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as your drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
- The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
- The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
- The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.
- The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the minister reported the following results:
-The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
- The second worm in cigarette - Dead.
- The third worm in chocolate - Dead.
- The fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as your drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
socal57che
Active Member
More Church Bulletin Bloopers
-Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
-Evening massage - 6 p.m.
-The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
-The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
-Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
-Ushers will eat latecomers.
-The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
-The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
-During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
- Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
- Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
- Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
- 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
- A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
- Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
-Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
-Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
-The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
-Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
- 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
-Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
-Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
-Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
-Evening massage - 6 p.m.
-The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
-The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
-Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
-Ushers will eat latecomers.
-The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
-The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
-During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
- Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
- Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
- Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
- 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
- A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
- Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
-Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
-Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
-The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
-Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
- 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
-Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
-Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
socal57che
Active Member
Actual Announcements From Church Bulletins
- Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
- Thursday night -- Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
- Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
- Wednesday, the Ladies' Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
- Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
- The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
- Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
- Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
- Thursday night -- Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
- Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
- Wednesday, the Ladies' Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
- Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
- The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
- Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
socal57che
Active Member
If Noah built the Ark today. . .
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"Ok," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed.
The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid being taxed by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the State about owing some kind of use tax.
"I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years, " Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something Man invented himself."
"What's that?", asked Noah.
There was a long pause, and then the Lord spaketh His Last Word:
"Government."
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"Ok," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed.
The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid being taxed by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the State about owing some kind of use tax.
"I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years, " Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something Man invented himself."
"What's that?", asked Noah.
There was a long pause, and then the Lord spaketh His Last Word:
"Government."
socal57che
Active Member
Blackberry/Treo Dilemma Solved
Thanks to Echo9er I’ve solved my Blackberry v. Treo dilemma.
Not only is the technology easily understood, this should fit nicely within my budget.
Thanks to Echo9er I’ve solved my Blackberry v. Treo dilemma.
Not only is the technology easily understood, this should fit nicely within my budget.
shu-perman
Member
socal57che
Active Member
A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."
Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"
Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."
Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"
Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."
socal57che
Active Member
Sign in school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended."
Sign on an asphalt truck: "Let us fill your crack!"
Office sign: "Ace exterminating - we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome."
Sign at a muffler shop: "No muff too tough for us!"
Sign on a government issue car: "Fulton county disaster coordinator."
Sign on an asphalt truck: "Let us fill your crack!"
Office sign: "Ace exterminating - we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome."
Sign at a muffler shop: "No muff too tough for us!"
Sign on a government issue car: "Fulton county disaster coordinator."
socal57che
Active Member
A Dying Man's Cookies
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies
wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly
made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort
forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both
hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame,
gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched
lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and
withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies
wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly
made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort
forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both
hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame,
gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched
lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and
withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
socal57che
Active Member
Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
socal57che
Active Member
Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.
A. Nothing, they haven't met!
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.
ruaround
Active Member
A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
$5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a
loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the
street in front of the bank Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to
accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into
the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks
for 15 bucks?"
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
$5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a
loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the
street in front of the bank Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to
accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into
the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks
for 15 bucks?"
