The Joke thread!!!

carshark

carshark

Active Member
whats your favorite joke you heard lately? I'll start.....(please nothing vulgar so we can keep the thread going!) heres a cheesy one!
a man walks into the veternarian clinic with his dead family duck. "Doc you gotta help me this duck has been in our family for 10 years! there has to be something you can do." the vet says, "sir this duck looks dead to me, theres nothing i can do" the man replies, "no there has to be something you can do, i want a second opinion!" so casually the vet walks into the other room and grabs a cat and comes back in, the cat walks around the duck pokes at it, sniffs it and looks back at the vet and shakes his head. the man determined there is something that can be done, so the vet takes the cat out of the room and comes back with a big black dog. the dog walks around the duck pokes at it, sniffs it and looks back at the vet and shakes his head. finally the man is convinced his duck is dead and there is nothing to be done. The vet chimes in "im sorry for your loss, wish there is something that can be done, but that'll be 245 dollars please." the man shreeks!!" what ? why you didnt do anything!!!" the vet replies, "quite the opposite sir, after my exam you werent convinced so i performed a cat scan, still unhappy with that i ran a Lab report!"

i know its cheesy but its a funny one.
 
carshark

carshark

Active Member
hmm im disappointed here i figured there would be more jokes posted everyone seems to have a good sense of humor(well most)....sad.
 
sleeper

sleeper

Member
This string walks into a bar and the bartender yells, "get out!! We don't serve your kind here." Dejected, the string walks out into the street and sees a beautiful woman. He asks her if she would be so kind as to tie him in a knot, as he'd had a rough day. She agrees, confused.
The next day, after a long day at work, he tries the bar again hoping his subterfuge will work. It doesn't He is screamed out the bar by the intolerant bartender once again. So, again, he finds the attractive lady and says "ma'am, if you could only fray my edges, I'd be so grateful." So she does and they go their separate ways.
The third day, really determined, the strong walks back into the bar. The barkeep shouts "I thought I told you we don't allow strings in this place, and you look mighty like a string to me."
The string, defient, replies: "No, sir. I'm a frayed knot."
 
misty7850

misty7850

Member
This woman had a boyfriend who would always beat on her. One she came into the bar, which the bartender had seen her many times before, black and blue. She always ordered the same drink. The bartender asked her, when are you going to leave him, he's not worth you always getting beat up. The woman says, "I don't know, I guess I'm waiting for the right time". Just then the woman seen something new in the bar. It was big and hairy and sitting at the end of the bar. She asked the bartender what it was. The bartender said. "Thats buzzsaw, he's my new clean up crew". The woman said, "what does he do ?"
The bartender said, "Watch this" "Buzzsaw, table 6 cleanup", just as fast as he said it, this big hairy beast jumped down of the bar, lickety split, went over to table 6, bzzzz, bzzz, bzzz the table was cleaned up and gone. So the woman says, "boy thats neat, maybe you can let me borrow him one night". The bartender explained you have to be very careful what you say or the orders you give him. The woman stated she would be very careful. The woman left with the hairy beast following behind her to her apt. As she enters her apt, her abusive boyfriend is standing in the living room, saying what F is this, another boyfriend. The woman said, "No this is buzzsaw, I borrowed him from a friend" He is going to help me clean up. So the boyfriend says, "Clean up, Buzzsaw my a**. Just then buzzsaw as usual, followed the instructions given to him, jumps up, walks over to the boyfriend... bzzz, bzzz, bzzz.. All gone.
The woman returns buzzsaw to the bartender, the bartender asks.. How did it go. The woman replied "No problem"
this joke from my husband.
 
nyyankeees

nyyankeees

Member
A guy is in the checkout line at a local super market when he notices that the rather foxy blonde behind him has just raised her hand hello and smiled to him......
He is rather taken back that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful....."Christ" he says, "Are you that stripogram broad from my
bachelor party that I "Boffed" on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my a**?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher".....
 
vi3tb0i

vi3tb0i

Active Member
Alright here is one
A pirate walks in the bar with a steering whell coming out his pants
The bartender ask "say mister y is there a wheel comming out your pants"?
The pirate said "arr its driving me nuts"!!
 
speg

speg

Active Member
Alright that pirate joke is probably the best i've ever heard...
1) - Why do cats lick themselves? - Because they are delicious.
2) - If you think the last four words of the star spangled banner are, gentlemen star your engines.. you might be a redneck.
3) - Theres a black guy, a white guy, and a jewish guy. The white guy walks into a bar..... and he says "ouch!".
4) - Two muffins are sitting in a oven... One muffin says to the other "Hey.. its crazy hot in here!". The other muffin replies "OH MY GOODNESS! A TALKING MUFFIN!".
 
carshark

carshark

Active Member
4) - Two muffins are sitting in a oven... One muffin says to the other "Hey.. its crazy hot in here!". The other muffin replies "OH MY GOODNESS! A TALKING MUFFIN!".
Reply With Quote
ha ha ha ha i love jokes like that..
 
carshark

carshark

Active Member
Joe was always wanting a harley, one day he drove by one with a for sale sign on it. this bike looked brand new, chrome was bright, hard to imagine it was 10 years old. joe asks the guy how did you keep it in such good shape? the man pulls out a jar of vasoline, and says "every time it is going to rain i coat the bike in it, works like a charm!"
So sandra, his girlfriend, invites him to her parents house for dinner that evening, of course they rode the new bike. when they were walking up to the door, sandra stops and says "my family has a weird tradition and game we play at dinner, if anyone talks during dinner they have to do the dishes" so joe says "no problem thanks for the hint" so they walk inside and sure enough, there were dishes piled up in the living room, on the stairs and all over the kitchen. so they all sit down to dinner and no one says a word so joe leans over and starts making out with sandra, no one says a word, so he decides to push his luck and starts fondeling her breasts, still not a word. So he begins to do sandra right on the table, still no word. So he looks over at her mother, and thinks"hmm she is good looking for her age" so he grabs her, rips all of her clothes off and does her right on the table in front of everyone, Sandra is furious, her father is about to hit the roof, still no one says a word. all of a sudden a loud clap of thunder breaks the silence, so joe reaches into his pocket and pulls out his jar of vasoline, then her father stands up and pushes away from the table and says " alright enough! i'll do the f%ckin dishes!!!"
 
dburr

dburr

Active Member
I got another one that goes with Sleeper's joke.
A mushroom walks into the same bar as the string.
He walks up to the bar, sits and the bartender yells "we don't serve you kind here, get out".
The mushroom kinda dejected, smiles back at him and asks "why?, i'm a fun-guy". :hilarious
A black guy walks in a bar with this gorgeous parot on his shoulder. Stunning colors and just beautiful. The bartender asks "where did you get that? its beautiful". The parot replies "Africa". :scared:
 
sw65galma

sw65galma

Active Member
Late one evening, Mike went over to his friend Tyrone's house to play
>cards with the fellas. In the middle of a game of Bid Whist, Tyrone's
>wife sat down on the couch directly across from Mike. Mikedropped a
>card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked uphe saw
>that Tyrone's wife had her legs wide open and no panties on. Hesat up
>and smiled to himself, then went into the kitchen to get a beer.
>
>To his surprise, Tyrone's wife followed him into the kitchen and said,
>"Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Hellyeah, I did."
>
>Tyrone's wife said "Well, you can get more than that. But,it's gonna
>cost you $500.00." Mike thought about it for aminute, and about his
>financial situation. Then he said "Cool." She said,"Come over here
>tomorrow around noon because Tyrone will be at work." Mikesaid,
>"I'll see you then."
>
>The next day Mike went over, they had mad ---, he paid her, then he
>left. Later when Tyrone came home he asked,"Has Mike been over here
>today?" Thinking that she had been caught, shesaid "Uh, as a matter
>of fact he has."
>
>Tyrone said, "Good. 'Cause that fool came by my job thismorning and
>asked to borrow $500 until this evening, and he said he would leave it
>with you."
>
 
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