Childhood Aquarium Keeper Getting Ready to Enter Married Life - What am I Allowed to Have?

[seanscott]

Hello ladies and gentleman! This is my first post in the forums and I thought I would give a little background and get some advice and experience.
My background:
I have had a 10 gallon since as far as I can remember till about high school. I always filled it with tetras and zebra danio's. I was easily attracted to their colors. I always favored snails over catfish and made sure to have an exquisite collection of live plants, sometimes to the peril of the fish.
One of my favorite things, although short lived was a tank with a collection of garden eels. They were an incredible curiosity.
Recent:
I am getting close to getting married and will have an average sized apartment but with little beyond the basic space... There will be a living room/kitchen/dining room all in one. There will be a bedroom and an office room. Now, if I were a bachelor I would stock each room with a tank with different stuff in it.
However she has already voiced her opinion that one is enough and maybe just a 1-5 liter mini-tank for something like a guppy or goldfish is enough. How do you guys chose your battles on the size of tank and how many you can have? She could care less what is in them or about their maintenance which I would prefer. I know I'll probably have to compromise now that we have an apartment but when the house comes, I'm looking to get a 10-20 gallon in my office.
I would love to hear your thoughts on having an aquarium and being married.

 

[al&burke]

Welcome to saltwater.com, put all out on the table now, expectations and things you want to do, good luck

 

[snakeblitz33]

Welcome to the forums! I hope you enjoy your stay.
I agree with Al on this one... you have to lay your cards on the table and tell her your expectations and the things you want to do and get out of life. You can't let your LIFE PARTNER tell you what you can and can't do as far as your hobbies are concerned. If anything, she should support your curiosity for aquatic life instead of thinking it of a hinderence.
My wife and I lived in an apartment where I had a rack of six 55g tanks and a 90g tank in our bedroom. She didn't care, as long as the bills were paid and my hobby didn't take away from our relationship. On the other hand, I support her hobbies and goals and dreams as well. We support each other and let each other do what we want, as long as it doesn't effect our relationship as a couple.
I can only speak from personal experience - and that's what I am giving you. Good luck! let us know something!

 

[snakeblitz33]

On a side note, married life should be no different then what you have going now. If she has set goals and expectations for you, then you should do the same for her. Or stand up and tell her what you want out of the deal.
Just because you now have a piece of paper stating that you are now married before the state and before God ... shouldn't change ya'lls relationship with one another. All it does is solidify the fact that you are in a monogamus and committed relationship. It doesn't give either partner the right to tell the other what to do, not do, or what they can and can not have out of life. That's just not the way it works.
My wife and I, until recently, lived in a 350sqft of livable space apartment and she had no problems with a tank - and even supported it, just like she is supporting my decision to go back to school for a college degree. Lean on one another. Never go to bed angry. And never tell one another's secrets in public. (that's what my grandma used to say. lol) and it's worked out so far for us.
I didn't mean to get on a soap box about anything - but I kinda feel your pain, man. Don't back down.

 

[gradymo]

Put your foot down! Tell her you're getting a custom made 500 gallon tank and she can't do anything about it!!

j/k Have you ever taken her to LFS with you? See if she might be interest in that cute little Nemo fish swimming around in his anemone?

 

[saxman]

Chicks dig seahorses...however, IMHO/IME, you really have to want SH, as they are indeed special needs fish. You could keep a pair of H. erectus in a std 29 gal with a good HOB power filter. Since you like plants, you could keep live macro algae in the tank, which is also great for SH. Then again, you could keep a nice dwarf lion in a std 29 as well, which have lots of personality as well.
I actually met my wife thru the hobby (we kept SH and reefs), but it turns out she's as big a nut for the hobby as me! My first wife liked the tanks, but they HAD to be silent and not make a mess. She was also the frugal type, so hobby costs had to be "reasonable".

 

[snakeblitz33]

Greg, If my spouse worked for NASA, I wouldn't complain how much they spent on their hobby. XD

 

[acrylic51]

I never asked opinions or permission on tank size.....I just bring the material or tank home loaded in the truck.....Easier to ask forgiveness after its there.....Same way I got my Rotty as well.......

 

[2quills]

You gotta start small, little bits at a time and work your way up. She's not asking you to give up your love for the hobby she probably just wants to keep it reasonable. Sometimes you're just going to have to make sacrifices for one another in order to keep peace within the kingdom. My wife and I have a pretty good agreement we feel. We budget our money out, so much for bills, so much for food, gas, savings and then whatever is left over is pocket money. What ever we do with that we really don't question each other about. If she likes to get her nails and hair done then that's cool with me. I have my hobbies and any major purchases over a said amount are to be discussed together. As many years as we've stuck by these simple guidelines there has always been peace in our kingdom. We rarely disagree much, nor would we deny the other something they truly desired within reason.
But you guys have to get some things layed out on the table or else there's bound to be some confusion or arguments down the road when one becomes stunned over something that the other has done (sometimes this is unavoidable).
Best of luck.
BTW, welcome to the site.

 

[snakeblitz33]

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2Quills http:///t/393416/childhood-aquarium-keeper-getting-ready-to-enter-married-life-what-am-i-allowed-to-have#post_3499919
You gotta start small, little bits at a time and work your way up. She's not asking you to give up your love for the hobby she probably just wants to keep it reasonable. Sometimes you're just going to have to make sacrifices for one another in order to keep peace within the kingdom. My wife and I have a pretty good agreement we feel. We budget our money out, so much for bills, so much for food, gas, savings and then whatever is left over is pocket money. What ever we do with that we really don't question each other about. If she likes to get her nails and hair done then that's cool with me. I have my hobbies and any major purchases over a said amount are to be discussed together. As many years as we've stuck by these simple guidelines there has always been peace in our kingdom. We rarely disagree much, nor would we deny the other something they truly desired within reason.
But you guys have to get some things layed out on the table or else there's bound to be some confusion or arguments down the road when one becomes stunned over something that the other has done (sometimes this is unavoidable).
Best of luck.
BTW, welcome to the site.
The "fun money" or "pocket money" as you call it is what my wife and I do. Whatever she wants to spend her money on is her business. Same as me! It's also worked out well for us as a couple, and for the most part has always been able to keep the peace.

 

[acrylic51]

I do have to agree....Most of my buddies here local let their wives control all the money and spending and gripe and bitch.....They always looked at me oddly when I say that my wife and I each keep a separate checking and savings account, but we also have a joint account that all the bills are paid out of......Each week I put $400 into the joint account for bills and the rest is mine.....She actually handles all the finances, so I'm clueless what anything actually costs.....She just gives me a figure and it works.....Bills are always paid never late, and I still have my fun.....I have to admit I'm the spender of the 2, so figure out early on in the relationship whose the spender and saver......2 spenders don't work though!!!!!
Have to admit though the wife doesn't particularly care for the hobby, and does a lot of eye rolling, but she does come up with nifty gifts for the tank or any crazy ideas I come up with though......

 

[saxman]

Renee and I have our own "mad money" accounts, and we add a small amount to them every month. What's in those accounts can be used for whatever the heck we want, no questions asked.