Deep thoughts by Jack Handy

innsmouth

innsmouth

Member
Deep thoughts by Jack Handy

[hr]
You know this is kind of scary...
"It is always a simple matter to drag people along whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. This is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in every country." - Hermann Goering (at the Nuremburg war crimes trials)
 
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daniel411

Guest
aww, I was hoping this would be a collection of Jack Handy quotes... they rock :happy: but yeah, that is a scary quote and a something to reflect on with whats currently going on
 
schneidts

schneidts

Active Member
That was a scary qoute. I was kinda dissapointed there weren't Jack Handey qoutes, so I'll add a few. "Maybe in order to understand mankind, we need to look at the word itself, "mankind". Basically, it's made up of two seperate words- "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind."
"I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is that they don't want anybody walking in and laying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, i'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You". After that I usually feel alot better, and no harm done."
Enjoy
 
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daniel411

Guest
Schneidts,
Post some more Handy quotes! I don't know of any off hand so I'll post this scary one:
"30 years ago TV influenced me in what I did. It is scary to me what is on late night TV today, _I can't imagine what it would have done to me if I had watched it back then." -Ted Bundy
 
innsmouth

innsmouth

Member
Yeah, that's not by Jack but he's the one that dug it up and wrote the "this is scarey" thing at the beginning. Good stuff and food for thought.
 
schneidts

schneidts

Active Member
My friend used to include them occasionally in emails. I finally asked him where he kept getting them, and he sent me a link to some kids site that has hundreds(give or take).
Here's smore-
"A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?", you say, "that's dynamite, baby"
"A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and then pretend that you got bit by a snake. Then start an arguement with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell him it was just a joke."
"It's true that everytime you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that everytime you hear a moustrap snap, an angel gets set on fire."
 
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daniel411

Guest

Originally posted by schneidts
My friend used to include them occasionally in emails. I finally asked him where he kept getting them, and he sent me a link to some kids site that has hundreds(give or take).
Come on now, I think you need to give up that linky! :D
Oh, happy Birthday Innsmouth
 
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simm

Guest
"when you pick a flower, love it, cherrish it, smell it, THEN kill it so it dosent turn on you"
:D
 
schneidts

schneidts

Active Member

Originally posted by Daniel411
Come on now, I think you need to give up that linky! :D

NEVER!!!HA HA HA...
maybe...
well, o.k.
but, one more round.
 
schneidts

schneidts

Active Member
"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea."
"I beleive in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having ---"
"If trees could scream, would be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason"
Last, but not least...
"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me alot of money."
 
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daniel411

Guest
Yay, more Handy quotes!
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
Whether they find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
I hope that if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
Thanks!!! :jumping:
 
schneidts

schneidts

Active Member
That was fun!
Originally posted by Daniel411
Yay, more Handy quotes!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
Thanks!!! :jumping:
These 3 are on my top ten list.
 
schneidts

schneidts

Active Member

Originally posted by RobChuck
schneidts,
Thanks for posting these! I almost forgot how funny "Deep Thoughts" were.
Glad to know I'm not the only one who enjoys them. I forgot how funny they were, too.
 
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