Do I go to the funeral?

[crimzy]

Ok I need some advice. I have a friend who I've known for at least 25 years but we're not all that close. We have a bunch of friends in common and I know his brother and sister in law pretty well. Anyway, his dad just passed after a long battle with Lou Gherig disease. As pure coincidence I share office space with his late father's law firm, but I never met him.
I'm just debating whether or not I should go to the funeral. I'm all for paying my respects to my friend and the family but I always feel funny about going to funerals like this because I'm not grieving nor paying my respects to the deceased. Also I've found that people seem to go to these things as a social event, which I find objectionable.
So I'm not sure of the right thing to do here. Thoughts?

 

[meowzer]

IMO the person is dead...so it's not them you are paying respects to......I go to comfort and show my support for the family member that I am friends with......in a situation like that, I would go to the wake, and not stay long

 

[snakeblitz33]

+1

 

[crimzy]

IMO the person is dead...so it's not them you are paying respects to......I go to comfort and show my support for the family member that I am friends with......in a situation like that, I would go to the wake, and not stay long
You make a good point. It's a Jewish funeral so there is no wake... there is the funeral and then "shiva" for the next few evenings. Shiva is a gathering where friends and family stop in to pay their respects. If anything I'd go to the funeral and send flowers or something to the Shiva house....

 

[beth]

I think it would be a gesture that would be appreciated by the family.

 

[reefraff]

It would be a good thing to show up to one or another, whichever you feel most comfortable doing.

 

[crimzy]

I'm surprised that it's unanimous. I guess I should listen to the advice I asked for...
My only hesitation was because you bring a bunch of my buddy's friends there and then it becomes a gathering of the boys. I feel like that cheapens it for the people who lost someone close to them in a time of real grief. I don't know... you all are probably right...

 

[meowzer]

HAHA....a thread where we all agree......imagine that

 

[reefraff]

Quote:
Originally Posted by crimzy http:///t/393912/do-i-go-to-the-funeral#post_3505622
I'm surprised that it's unanimous. I guess I should listen to the advice I asked for...
My only hesitation was because you bring a bunch of my buddy's friends there and then it becomes a gathering of the boys. I feel like that cheapens it for the people who lost someone close to them in a time of real grief. I don't know... you all are probably right...
Yeah but the gathering of the boys is part of the healing process. Especially if they knew the guy's dad. One option would be to show up and the end of the funeral just to pay respects to your friend and be gone.

 

[dragonzim]

Don't bring flowers to a house sitting Shiva

 

[crimzy]

Took all your advice and went. The funeral was as good as could be expected. He was sick for about 3 years so at least the family doesn't have to continue to watch him deteriorate and suffer. And they all got the chance to say goodbye.
My friend had a whole row of people close to him there. I think he appreciated having support from "his people". I don't think I'm going to go to the Shiva house but I may make a contribution in his name to ALS of Michigan. Thanks for all of the good input.