First, you do not have your meter on the wrong setting. You've got it set right.
Second, it makes no difference whether the red probe or black probe goes in ground versus the tank. It's alternating current, which is polarity independant.
Third, it's all moot because you cannot test for stray voltage with a multimeter. This "test" is a very commonly perpetuated misconceptions surrounding the whole "stray voltage" hysteria. The voltage you are reading is almost definitely caused by eddy currents. Eddy currents are induced in any conductor (saltwater in this case) when in the presence of a magnetic field (lighting ballast, motors, etc). That's why each piece of equipment adds a little bit more. Every piece of equipment you listed uses magnetics to operate (ballasts, pumps, powerheads, etc). Each piece you plug in intensifies the field around the tank, driving up eddy currents and making the meter read higher.
Now that said, a meter WILL read when there is a problem, but it may also read when there is no problem. That's why it's important to note that you may have an issue, but the test you are doing can't tell you for sure whether you do or not; a meter reading 0 in your test would definitely indicate no problem, but your reading does not indicate for sure that there IS a problem. Make sense?
I read in your thread title "Electric shock," but you made no mention of it in your post. I assume you didn't actually get a shock from the water... eddy currents will NEVER cause a shock. If you are getting a shock, then you have a problem, no matter what your meter says.
The way to deal with this problem is to use both a GFI and a grounding probe. A GFI will not respond to eddy currents, but it will trip in the event of a true fault condition in the tank. So if you already have a GFI, then add a grounding probe. If the GFI holds, you have no issue. If it trips, you've got a problem.