Good Jokes
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rad
Member
Its a christmas one but funny is funny:
There was a little girl riding her new bike through the park just after dusk and a cop on a horse stops her and says "thats a nice bike you got there." The little girl says "thank you." Then the cops prods a little more "did santa give you that bike?" "Yes" nods the girl. "Well then maybe next year santa will remember to put a reflector on both the front and the back so you can ride it at night?" and with that the cop hands her a citation. The little girl scowels and tells the cop "thats a nice horse you got there." "Thanks" says the cop. "Did santa give it to you?" Thinking he will play along the cops says "yes, he did. Were real close santa and I." To that the girl responds "Well then next time you talk to him you should remind him that the d**k goes on the bottom of the horse and not the top."
There was a little girl riding her new bike through the park just after dusk and a cop on a horse stops her and says "thats a nice bike you got there." The little girl says "thank you." Then the cops prods a little more "did santa give you that bike?" "Yes" nods the girl. "Well then maybe next year santa will remember to put a reflector on both the front and the back so you can ride it at night?" and with that the cop hands her a citation. The little girl scowels and tells the cop "thats a nice horse you got there." "Thanks" says the cop. "Did santa give it to you?" Thinking he will play along the cops says "yes, he did. Were real close santa and I." To that the girl responds "Well then next time you talk to him you should remind him that the d**k goes on the bottom of the horse and not the top."
ajwiggz
Member
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
windmill
Member
Disclaimer: Not for kids, the immature, or those without a sense of humor.
Those that don't wish to see a tasteless racist joke, don't read the rest of my post.
Ok, here's the racist one as sanitary and curse-free as possible.
Note: This doesn't necessarily represent my personal opinion.
What's the difference between a *insert ethnic group here* and a pile of poo? Eventually, the pile of poo will turn white and not stink.
I'm sure there are other jokes out there just as bad.
Hope that wasn't too offensive and won't be immediately deleted.
Those that don't wish to see a tasteless racist joke, don't read the rest of my post.
Ok, here's the racist one as sanitary and curse-free as possible.
Note: This doesn't necessarily represent my personal opinion.
What's the difference between a *insert ethnic group here* and a pile of poo? Eventually, the pile of poo will turn white and not stink.
I'm sure there are other jokes out there just as bad.
Hope that wasn't too offensive and won't be immediately deleted.
f14peter
Member
Quote: "Kenny G is allowed to live because I don't kill women."
Little known Chuck Norris fact: Chuck Norris was actually considered to play the role of the hero in the first Star Wars Movie (Ep IV: A New Hope). However, when creating a script to suit Mr Norris, it quickly became obvious that he was unsuited for the role and he voluntarily dropped out of the project. The following is a synopsis of the last script created with Mr Norris as the hero: Film opens with Darth Vader capturing Princess Leia's ship. Vader boards the ship and threatens Leia in an effort to get her to divulge information about the rebellion. Chuck Norris walks in . . . glares at Vader . . . Vader keels over dead . . . film over.
Chuck Norris does not sign autographs . . . his eyes can burn his signature into paper . . . or granite.
Little known Chuck Norris fact: Chuck Norris was actually considered to play the role of the hero in the first Star Wars Movie (Ep IV: A New Hope). However, when creating a script to suit Mr Norris, it quickly became obvious that he was unsuited for the role and he voluntarily dropped out of the project. The following is a synopsis of the last script created with Mr Norris as the hero: Film opens with Darth Vader capturing Princess Leia's ship. Vader boards the ship and threatens Leia in an effort to get her to divulge information about the rebellion. Chuck Norris walks in . . . glares at Vader . . . Vader keels over dead . . . film over.
Chuck Norris does not sign autographs . . . his eyes can burn his signature into paper . . . or granite.
jmick
Active Member
A drunken Irishman is driving recklessly through Dublin, and an alert cop pulls him over.
“Where have you been?” asks the police officer.
“To the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “do you know that, a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens!” sighs the man. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
“Where have you been?” asks the police officer.
“To the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “do you know that, a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens!” sighs the man. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
30-xtra high
Active Member
yeah windmill, i got some like yours...
again, not my opinion... just a joke, if you'll get upset do not read.
why don't *insert race here* dream?... the last one got shot.
why couldn't Ray Charles read?...because he was *insert race here*
ok, there is an apartment building where all the *insert race* live on the top floor, and all the *insert different race* live on the bottom floor. a tornado comes by in the middle of the day... who lives?... the * first race you inserted* because the kids actually go to school, and the parents actually go to work.
again, not my opinion... just a joke, if you'll get upset do not read.
why don't *insert race here* dream?... the last one got shot.
why couldn't Ray Charles read?...because he was *insert race here*
ok, there is an apartment building where all the *insert race* live on the top floor, and all the *insert different race* live on the bottom floor. a tornado comes by in the middle of the day... who lives?... the * first race you inserted* because the kids actually go to school, and the parents actually go to work.
f14peter
Member
Originally Posted by Jmick
A drunken Irishman is driving recklessly through Dublin, and an alert cop pulls him over.
“Where have you been?” asks the police officer.
“To the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “do you know that, a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens!” sighs the man. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
A follow-on . . .
A Texan visiting Ireland goes into a pub and loudly proclaims, "HEY! I hear you Irish think you're real drinkers! Well, I'm from Texas and can drink any man here under the table. I challenge any of you to come to the bar and match me shot for shot with 12 whiskeys and still be standing!" Nobody says anything, the only reaction being one fellow who leaves. The Texan harrumphs and goes to the bar and orders a beer. A short time later, the fellow who left returns to the bar and says, "I'll a take ye up on ye offer!" The Texan orders 24 shots of whiskey and the two go at it until they've each downed 12 shots, with both men still standing. The Texan says, "I must say pardner, I'm mighty impressed. But one question . . . why did you leave and then come back?" The Irishman says, "Before I accepted ya challenge I had ta go to the pub down the street ta see if I could really do it."
A drunken Irishman is driving recklessly through Dublin, and an alert cop pulls him over.
“Where have you been?” asks the police officer.
“To the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “do you know that, a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens!” sighs the man. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
A follow-on . . .
A Texan visiting Ireland goes into a pub and loudly proclaims, "HEY! I hear you Irish think you're real drinkers! Well, I'm from Texas and can drink any man here under the table. I challenge any of you to come to the bar and match me shot for shot with 12 whiskeys and still be standing!" Nobody says anything, the only reaction being one fellow who leaves. The Texan harrumphs and goes to the bar and orders a beer. A short time later, the fellow who left returns to the bar and says, "I'll a take ye up on ye offer!" The Texan orders 24 shots of whiskey and the two go at it until they've each downed 12 shots, with both men still standing. The Texan says, "I must say pardner, I'm mighty impressed. But one question . . . why did you leave and then come back?" The Irishman says, "Before I accepted ya challenge I had ta go to the pub down the street ta see if I could really do it."
zman1
Active Member
25 things you should have learned by the time you have reached middle age
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
mr. guitar
Member
No one crys when you cut up a banjo.
The perfect pitch...
Throwing a banjo through a window and hitting a bagpipe player.
The perfect pitch...
Throwing a banjo through a window and hitting a bagpipe player.
mrdc
Active Member
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.”
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
By this time, Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sh-t is adorable …..
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.”
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
By this time, Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sh-t is adorable …..
mrdc
Active Member
· If you had purchased $1000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49
o With Enron, you would have had $16 left of the original $1000
o With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5 left
o With Delta Air Lines, you would have $49 left
· But, if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have at least $214
· Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
o It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
o With Enron, you would have had $16 left of the original $1000
o With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5 left
o With Delta Air Lines, you would have $49 left
· But, if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have at least $214
· Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
o It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
reefreak29
Active Member
three woman are in a sauna, two young woman and a senior citezen.
a beeping sound goes off and the old woman says whats that, the one young woman presses her arm and says oh thats just my pager i have a micro chip in my arm. then the old woman heres o phone ring and the other young woman puts her hand up to here ear and starts talking, oh thats my phone i have a microchip in my hand.
At this point the old woman feels very out of date with the current technoligy, so she excuses herself and goes to the restroom. she comes back into the room with a piece of toilet paper sticking out of her butt, the to young womans eye brows raise wondering whats going on. Finally the old woman replies well look at that im getting a fax.
a beeping sound goes off and the old woman says whats that, the one young woman presses her arm and says oh thats just my pager i have a micro chip in my arm. then the old woman heres o phone ring and the other young woman puts her hand up to here ear and starts talking, oh thats my phone i have a microchip in my hand.
At this point the old woman feels very out of date with the current technoligy, so she excuses herself and goes to the restroom. she comes back into the room with a piece of toilet paper sticking out of her butt, the to young womans eye brows raise wondering whats going on. Finally the old woman replies well look at that im getting a fax.