i cant move on.

[beth]

You're friend must have been deeply disturbed to have killed herself, and left the children in such a way. I don't say that in a mean way, but a real way. Likely, she felt there was no choice and was really irrational. In that light, looking at someone who was experiencing serious emotional disturbance, you can't blame her really for what happened. I'm sure it was beyond her control. If she could have controlled it, I think she would have.
As for you moving on. Its rather early to put your friend behind you. You need, and will experience your own emotions; anger now, later sadness and grief, and then, finally healing. These are things you need to feel and not feel like you are on a deadline to "get over it". You need to accept your feelings about this, and right now that is desperation and anger. Once those emotions have run their course, and they will, then you move on to grieving. Finally, you will move on.
A part of your life has been taken from you in the worst possible of circumstances. You can't just forget it, and move on. Live through this at your own pace.
If you still have contact with the children, it may benefit you if you find a positive way to ease their grief in some small way.

 

[tizzo]

Ya know, I'm reading these posts and a lot of people are addressing the friend. The one who is no longer here...
In this thread, I hate to admit this, but what I was going to post originally, darth did in a round about wierd sort of way...
Alix when I first read what you wrote, my first thought was that you need resolution. But you must first find what you need to be resolved. So think long and hard about all the questions darth asked and see if you can "resolve" each one. If not then focus, rethink and evaluate until you can...
You still feel like crap but you don't "want to"...
You "want" to be yourself, but your not...
Something is unresolved with you. Death does suck, and most of us have had to deal with a situation like this, but I would never dare to compare my experience with yours...
It's not normal to feel like you are. Grieving is fine. But wanting to feel normal and not being able to is not normal grieving...