I gotta vent!

[travelerjp98]

reefraff- his lawyer has done what is needed to make sure it stays in Georgia. The best divorce lawyer around here is one of our friends stepdad.
I am concerned because he is willing to loose everything to get her back and doing what his heart is telling him. Im not sure how he will react otherwise. 
It's amazing how the heart can overpower the brain...

 

[reefraff]

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweat90lx http:///t/392554/i-gotta-vent#post_3486728
Reefraff- He has got his lawyer taking the necessary steps.
Flower you are correct, he just wants his family back. I respect your advice and will not try to contact her again.
I do not want to get involved in their drama.
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If they were both your friends it wouldn't be out of line for you to try talking to her IF IF IF IF!!!! You make your friend aware you are going to do it and he is on board. Otherwise yeah, stay out of it unless she contacts you. Only you would know if it would be helpful.
I had a close friend (cousin) who went through this same thing. It was amazing how much crap she put him though and he still wanted to be with her. It took 10 years for it to finally end. I wanted to choke him till he crapped his pants a lot of times but all you can do is be their friend. It was a lot harder to be her friend but that's what he wanted so.....

 

[flower]

Quote:
Originally Posted by reefraff http:///t/392554/i-gotta-vent/20#post_3487121
If they were both your friends it wouldn't be out of line for you to try talking to her IF IF IF IF!!!! You make your friend aware you are going to do it and he is on board. Otherwise yeah, stay out of it unless she contacts you. Only you would know if it would be helpful.
I had a close friend (cousin) who went through this same thing. It was amazing how much crap she put him though and he still wanted to be with her. It took 10 years for it to finally end. I wanted to choke him till he crapped his pants a lot of times but all you can do is be their friend. It was a lot harder to be her friend but that's what he wanted so.....
OP..I know this is not you, I'm just adding my opinion in answer to reefraff's statement.
Nope...I disagree not even IF IF IF....I would if you are friends with both..... If he calls, let him vent and talk all he wants but stay out of it. If she calls...do the same. However what SHE said would be kept in confedence, and what HE said also would be kept in confedence. If you are friends with both and either party wants you in the middle. Hold up your hands explain you love then both, and you will not get involved. Never allow yourself to be the go between to speak on the others behalf.
The ONLY time to even get involved a little is if there is abuse involved, then offer to help her (seldom him) escape to a house for battered women, take them to the hospital or police to validate what has happened and help them get assistance.
Do not hide the injured party at your house, because the drama will come to you and there could be serious problems if you are dealing with an abuser. Don't place your family in danger.

 

[reefraff]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Flower http:///t/392554/i-gotta-vent/20#post_3487188
OP..I know this is not you, I'm just adding my opinion in answer to reefraff's statement.
Nope...I disagree not even IF IF IF....I would if you are friends with both..... If he calls, let him vent and talk all he wants but stay out of it. If she calls...do the same. However what SHE said would be kept in confedence, and what HE said also would be kept in confedence. If you are friends with both and either party wants you in the middle. Hold up your hands explain you love then both, and you will not get involved. Never allow yourself to be the go between to speak on the others behalf.
The ONLY time to even get involved a little is if there is abuse involved, then offer to help her (seldom him) escape to a house for battered women, take them to the hospital or police to validate what has happened and help them get assistance.
Do not hide the injured party at your house, because the drama will come to you and there could be serious problems if you are dealing with an abuser. Don't place your family in danger.
HE would be the best judge of whether or not talking with her would help or not. Not being involved this is just a guess but it sounds like the line of communications is broken, thus the guy coming home to an empty house. A 3rd party can open the communications back up, even if it's just enough to get them to go to a counselor.

 

[sweat90lx]

I dont think I said, but me was the one that wanted me to email her. I dont think it went through, yahoo email is not working right.
I will not get caught up in the drama at all. So I guess its good that the email didnt send.
He calls her and talks to his kids everyday. She tells him she doesnt know what she wants to do and he thinks he still has a chance.
JP- you are correct. Every person and every situation is different but at some point reality has to set in.

 

[beth]

The truth is, sweat is in the middle of it because of the friendship. There is nothing wrong with sending an email so don't worry about it. Its just asking how the kids are, not demanding anything. Beyond that, your friend and his wife do need to come to blows or work it out on their own. I'd be short on advise as well, because that could come back to haunt you if they reconcile.
Why did she sneak off while the friend was out of town? Maybe she is just an uncaring dimwit, or maybe she felt threatened to do the separation up front and in a responsible way. Who knows? That is why 3rd parties need to not get wrapped up in the battle.
Flower, you had every right to ask your daughter-in-law to not break your ties with your grand-kids. Kids have a right to their grandparents, just as they have a right to the parents. Your son should appreciate your effort to stay involved with the children, not blame you for his problem with his ex. If there is a side to take, it is always the children's side.

 

[reefraff]

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweat90lx http:///t/392554/i-gotta-vent/20#post_3487320
I dont think I said, but me was the one that wanted me to email her. I dont think it went through, yahoo email is not working right.
I will not get caught up in the drama at all. So I guess its good that the email didnt send.
He calls her and talks to his kids everyday. She tells him she doesnt know what she wants to do and he thinks he still has a chance.
JP- you are correct. Every person and every situation is different but at some point reality has to set in.
The thing is if e mailing her is something you would normally do if this wasn't going on then it isn't a big deal, just tread lightly. If she decides to cry on your shoulder so to speak great but don't pry and don't take sides. She packed up and moved across country to be with her boyfriend. That doesn't sound to me like the actions of someone who doesn't know what she wants. Who knows. I've been married 17 years and am old and wise enough to give up on trying to figure out the secrets of the female mind LOL! Good luck.

 

[sweat90lx]

I used to talk to her all the time, mostly about working out and eating healthy. I got sick and stopped going to the gym we havent talked much since then. She didnt seem to understand why I stopped and I didnt know how to explain it, especially to a female friend.
She has changed her lifestyle to revolve around fitness and he didnt. I think that was a real issue for her.
Reefraff next month will be 14 years for me. I quit trying to figure out what I didnt do or how I said it long ago. lol.
I have not given him any advice or my opinion and dont plan to, except that I want what is best for the kids. One of our friends and his wife(mostly her) have tried to help in the wrong ways.

 

[reefraff]

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweat90lx http:///t/392554/i-gotta-vent/20#post_3487464
I used to talk to her all the time, mostly about working out and eating healthy. I got sick and stopped going to the gym we havent talked much since then. She didnt seem to understand why I stopped and I didnt know how to explain it, especially to a female friend.
She has changed her lifestyle to revolve around fitness and he didnt. I think that was a real issue for her.
Reefraff next month will be 14 years for me. I quit trying to figure out what I didnt do or how I said it long ago. lol.
I have not given him any advice or my opinion and dont plan to, except that I want what is best for the kids. One of our friends and his wife(mostly her) have tried to help in the wrong ways.
It;s hard to know what to do. I got put in a situation where my cousin who was by far my best friend asked me to give his wife a job as a way of getting her back to the area with his kids after she split to be with her boyfriend a few hundred miles away. I wanted to knock hell out of her but it was one of 3 times he asked me to be her friend to help bring her back into the family circle. What you going to do? What I did was say "So, whatever else went wrong what you did was utter and total BS you blankity blank dumb blank. Other than that how you been?" and gave her a big hug. I made my feelings known and we never discussed the particulars or dwelled on it. Maybe a little small talk about a couple of her family members who weren't being helpful to the situation but other than that I was just her friend. What it demonstrated was my cousin wasnt trashing her to his family and friends. Had we not been willing to accept her back there was no hope for them to resolve their issues, which ultimately didn't happen but at least they were given a chance, 3 in fact LOL!
You have your head and heart in the right place. Just keep doing what you are doing for him. As I remember my support included a lot of alcohol consumption and a couple of hooker runs to Hollywood, not that I am suggesting either

 

[sweat90lx]

He has taken a road trip to get his family back. Me and a few other friends gave him some money to go get them, its only 2400 miles(WOW). He left Friday right after lunch. Its now 2am Sunday and he has reached the edge of California. I think he has only slept for 2 or 3 hours so far but I just got off the phone with him and he sounded ok. He plans to drive the last 250 miles and rest/sleep until Monday morning.
He was on the phone with her right before he left on the trip and asked me to talk to her on speaker phone. I asked about the kids and told her she has friends and family that love and care about her. She was crying and could barely talk through the sobbing. She texted him to bring blankets for the boys, so maybe she does want to come home- MAYBE.
I expressed me concern that he could be going into a storm, especially if the other guy finds out. I/we cannot get him out of jail there if something happens. He shook my hand and told me thanks, how often do you get a handshake from a best friend?
I will feel a little more at ease when he gets them and is on the journey home. It will still be rough road ahead but he will have done everything he can to save his marriage and family. He has a bigger heart than me without a doubt.

 

[flower]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beth http:///t/392554/i-gotta-vent/20#post_3487336
Flower, you had every right to ask your daughter-in-law to not break your ties with your grand-kids. Kids have a right to their grandparents, just as they have a right to the parents. Your son should appreciate your effort to stay involved with the children, not blame you for his problem with his ex. If there is a side to take, it is always the children's side.
I just spoke out my desire to see the kids and tried to convey that I didn't blame her, my son thought that meant I did blame him... and she was happy to feed his insecurities. I'm just more careful now of exactly how I say something. My son has gotten over the whole mess and has moved on. He gets part time custody of the children and I see them when I can. I am closer to my daughters children because she brings them around more often.
I like things old school...spoil them rotten and send them home. Now if the children were being abused or neglected, that's a whole different ball of wax. Usually it is two adults fighting and each wanting the children, neither are unfit parents...at least in my situation.

 

[reefraff]

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweat90lx http:///t/392554/i-gotta-vent/20#post_3488613
He has taken a road trip to get his family back. Me and a few other friends gave him some money to go get them, its only 2400 miles(WOW). He left Friday right after lunch. Its now 2am Sunday and he has reached the edge of California. I think he has only slept for 2 or 3 hours so far but I just got off the phone with him and he sounded ok. He plans to drive the last 250 miles and rest/sleep until Monday morning.
He was on the phone with her right before he left on the trip and asked me to talk to her on speaker phone. I asked about the kids and told her she has friends and family that love and care about her. She was crying and could barely talk through the sobbing. She texted him to bring blankets for the boys, so maybe she does want to come home- MAYBE.
I expressed me concern that he could be going into a storm, especially if the other guy finds out. I/we cannot get him out of jail there if something happens. He shook my hand and told me thanks, how often do you get a handshake from a best friend?
I will feel a little more at ease when he gets them and is on the journey home. It will still be rough road ahead but he will have done everything he can to save his marriage and family. He has a bigger heart than me without a doubt.
Sounds to me like this woman needs therapy, Hope it all works out