OK, so after some serious investigative testing, I think I've figured out where my phosphates are coming from. It's my BUFFER!
Using the API test kit, I've tested my water every step of the way.
tap water: deep blue, full of phosphates
after running through RO: clear, no phosphates
testing straight from the garbage can: clear, no phosphates
after adding salt: clear, no phosphates
after adding buffer: practically black, full of phosphates
Called my authoritative LFS and they're like "Why are you adding buffer? Your salt mix naturally buffers your water." Uh, because you told me that the A/B calcium additive wouldn't hold if the water wasn't buffered to pH 8.2. Either I've been using a bad brand of buffer for saltwater tanks, or I've simply been adding it without the need. Either way, I've now done 2 20% water changes and I'm starting to see the phosphates come down a bit. Still ridiculouly high, but it's moving in the right direction for now.
The good news is that it's not my RO unit, it's not the garbage cans (at least not significantly), and hopefully I'm on a path to resolving the situation. The bad news is that I think I've been putting high phosphate water into my tank for the past 6 months and it's going to take a while to leach it all out of the rocks. Oy.