To tell or not to tell...that is the question

[andretti]

I have had a best friend for nearly 30 years. We've been more than brothers to each other since the 2nd grade, and we're both now almost 40. Anyway, I teach jr. high and my friend's son hangs around with some of society's future dirtbags. Actually, their dirtbags already. "Dan" the son, has one more strike and he's out...then it's off to an "alternative" school of education. My friend is a great dad, one of the hardest workers I know...even harder than me. He and his wife keep close tabs on Dan...but????. I know what the problem is. He and his wife have tried almost everything, except??? They drink like there's no tomorrow, they are truly functioning alcoholics. They've never been in any trouble with the law, they don't drink & drive, and they don't get stuipd drunk, they just like to get plain old drunk. They're fine financially, the alcohol doesn't cause any noticible problems (except this one). Don is just rebelling because each weekend when everyone is off from school, work, etc. My buddy and his wife would rather throwback about two cases of bud than do family stuff. Don't get me wrong they don't totally ignore their three kids all the time, just on Friday & Saturday, and then on Sunday for recooperation. And his parents want me to talk to him about the drinking and their son. I know I have to, I've even done it to some small degree a few times, but this time it's gotta work. Needless to say, I really not looking foward to this. :scared:

 

[scotts]

Dude don't know if this will help but my one year sobriety is tomorrow. Yep good ole me was a functioning alcoholic. I knew that I was and still had trouble quitting. Even when I was trying to quit there was always the "well I will just go for one last go around" I finally had to enter a treatment program that met 4 night a week for 3 hours a night. I knew that I needed something to help me stop and that worked for me (kind of). I don't agree with everything in the program and they were heavy on the AA thing. Not being a religous person I have a problem with AA. Hey it works for a lot of people, just not me.
Now how to talk to your friend. Hard to say because everybody is different. However in the talk you might want to say how his drinking is effecting his kids. Also you don't need to drink to get along in life. I sure thought you did and now I can say that I sure don't. I could get on my high horse now but I won't do that.
I used to think that I was doing OK while I was drinking, never any trouble with the law and no DUIs and thought I was keeping up with the house work and all (I am a stay home dad). But let me tell you my wife is so much happier with me not drinking. Tough in your friends situation because both of them drink.
You know thinking about it one thing I used to do before I climbed fully into the bottle was I would quit drinking every January, just to prove to myself that I could. Maybe that would be a way to start with your friend. Just to show him that there is life without it, the problem will be if he starts back up after that 30 days. The problem is he is going to REALLY want to quit drinking to quit completely.
Sorry for rambling, must be my one year and this cuts close to home.
Scott

 

[takia]

First off-

CONGRATS SCOTTS!!!! That is so great you should be really proud of yourself

Now, for Andretti... Having been the daughter of a functioning alcoholic I know how hard it is to be on a straight path when that is what you know. I am blessed with a mother that is pretty straight, so I survived. As I said, "Having been...” my Dad passed away two years ago, and much of this is attributed to his alcoholism. I am 23 and my little brother is 12, he was 41.... So, as a good friend, you need to take drastic measures. If you are a little uncomfortable I would begin by mailing a couple brochures on liver diseases accompanied with some pictures of a healthy liver and a damaged liver. If this is not a shocker enough I would give it a few weeks and then sit down with your buddy in a comfortable, but public, enviroment and discuss your concerns. The advantage of a public environment is that he is less likely to make a scene and you will be able to properly convey your thoughts. If all else fails, acknowledge the problem and try to be a positive influence in this young mans life... He is going to need it. Good luck!!

 

[him6616]

My father was an alcoholic his whole life practically. He would wake up in other states he was so bad. He put my mom, brother and myself through hell. When i grew up and confronted him about all the things he had done, the next day he left, and no one heard from him for days. Come to find out, he put a bullet through his head. He wrote on his note, NO Funeral, NO Newspapers, Beers gettin warm, C-Ya!!!!!! He wrote for my brother to be a better father than he had been and told my mom that he had always loved her. He didn't leave anything for me. I thought I was doing the right thing by confronting him and telling him what he was doing to us, and it backfired!!! BIG TIME Just be careful. I never thought that my dad would have done that and he did, as soon as it was brought to his attention for what he actually did to us and his family and everyone he knew. All I am saying is be carefull. I don't blame myself for him doing what he did, but i wished i had kept my mouth shut.

 

[kimc]

Andretti, I think you already know what you should do....

 

[andretti]

Yep, I know I have to do it, it's just a matter of doing it ya know?

. To really get the point through, I have to talk to the both of them and that's going to be tough. Because though I like his wife and she likes me, (I think) she's not the easiest person to talk to. I'm just affraid she's going to shut down and feel attacked but hopefully????? :notsure: :needhelp: :needhelp: I'm going to go over there this weekend and do what I have to do. Thank God I'm still on summer break because my nerves have been shot ever since his parents called me up last week with their request. May the force be with me.

 

[kimc]

The force is with you

 

[misslaina]

maybe it would help if you got someone else to help. this is never easy, and they will likely turn on you. just make sure (and I am sure you know this ) to tell them you love them and that you are just trying to help them. THey will say that they need no help. Oh, I hope this goes ok, I will pray for you.