Family Death, I need advice.

flower

flower

Well-Known Member
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scott T http:///forum/thread/381586/family-death-i-need-advice#post_3324636
Flower, I went through this with a foster son I had that was only 17 years old no to long ago. He was his fathers only true child that was around that was not estranged from him. ( he had a daughter who knows where) and a step son. My foster son who I got back on the right track wanted me there and I humbly agreeed but it was with the understanding that I was only there to support him in his decisions. His mother and step brother both agreed that I should be there for him also. I was there and when I was asked what I thought they should do, I told them that it was their decision that if my foster son was happy with that decision then I supported it. Also we had a great Funeral Director that I had spoken too before hand and gave him the scoop on the situation. Well, I was there for all of them, which my foster son was grateful for, but when all was said and done I was the bad guy because I had given him advice. His mother and step brother that were so supportive of me helping him turned on me once the insurance money came into play. I would not take back supporting my foster son and his decisions. My advice to you since he is your Ex, is to stay in the back just support your kids and let them make any and all decision so you are not made out as the bad person. You can support your children by just being there for them, and not making any decisions. Just be supportive of anything they think is right they are adults and can make decisions on what needs to be done.
My heart and prayers are with you and your children in this very difficult time. May God bless you, guide you, and heal the hearts of you and your children as you go through this most difficult time.
Scott!!

I so hear you...Thank you, I really need all the prayer and blessings I can get right now.
The only insurance money is a little policy I kept, I paid on it and had it just in case. It should be enough for a nice funeral and head stone. My daughter, the oldest of the three thought she had to pay and was scambling for what to do. So now they just need to deal with the grief and not concern themselves with how to pay for it all.
My only advice has been for them to come together to make the arrangments. They have to set things up but also leave time for his Mother and brother to get up there.
I think the only thing Dan had was an X box and some games, a 19 inch HD TV, he also has a last paycheck from work still owed him.
The house was in foreclosure (he abandoned it) , and he was two months behind in car payments. He may have some utility bills floating around, I don't intend to take responsability of that stuff.
 
J

jstdv8

Guest
Sorry for and your kids' loss Flower. Hope everything turns out ok.
 
monsinour

monsinour

Active Member
Sorry to hear of the loss. I would suggest doing what you are already doing so no advice from me. I will say a little something for you and your family this evening. It helped my kitty, so I am going to assume it will help you.
 
reefraff

reefraff

Active Member
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flower http:///forum/thread/381586/family-death-i-need-advice/20#post_3324649

I so hear you...Thank you, I really need all the prayer and blessings I can get right now.
The only insurance money is a little policy I kept, I paid on it and had it just in case. It should be enough for a nice funeral and head stone. My daughter, the oldest of the three thought she had to pay and was scambling for what to do. So now they just need to deal with the grief and not concern themselves with how to pay for it all.
My only advice has been for them to come together to make the arrangments. They have to set things up but also leave time for his Mother and brother to get up there.
I think the only thing Dan had was an X box and some games, a 19 inch HD TV, he also has a last paycheck from work still owed him.
The house was in foreclosure (he abandoned it) , and he was two months behind in car payments. He may have some utility bills floating around, I don't intend to take responsability of that stuff.
As long as you were removed from the home loan, I seem to remember you saying that was the house you had when you were still married, none of his bills matter anyway. I would just make sure how long it takes to collect on the insurance before getting too far into this funeral planning deal. Most counties have a program to make the final arrangements for indigent people. Not sure what your $$$ is like but if need be you could let the county cremate him then use the money for a nice burial and service later once you get the funds.
When my dad died my mom was pretty torn up even though they had been divorced over 20 years. I am sure this hasn't been easy on you either. Hang in there.
 
flower

flower

Well-Known Member
Quote:
Originally Posted by reefraff http:///forum/thread/381586/family-death-i-need-advice/20#post_3324688
As long as you were removed from the home loan, I seem to remember you saying that was the house you had when you were still married, none of his bills matter anyway. I would just make sure how long it takes to collect on the insurance before getting too far into this funeral planning deal. Most counties have a program to make the final arrangements for indigent people. Not sure what your $$$ is like but if need be you could let the county cremate him then use the money for a nice burial and service later once you get the funds.
When my dad died my mom was pretty torn up even though they had been divorced over 20 years. I am sure this hasn't been easy on you either. Hang in there.

Thank you, we had 34 years, and even divorced I still looked out for him. He spent the weekend here and we had the grandkids, it was a good weekend, then he went home Sunday afternoon and was found dead Monday morning when they tried to awaken him for work...It's all so sudden.
I just found out that little policy I kept and turned into whole life is only now worth $1700.00 big change from $10.000.00 so the kids are going to go in debt for all this after all. I just called the boys and they said that it's not a problem. My Rabbi said he would do the services so we have that much going. The kids just want the Rabbi to tell them what arrangemets they need to make so I'm waiting on a call back.
Oh on the house...Dan messed up, which is why we got the divorced. He maxed out our credit cards, thousands and thousands of dollars, drained the bank account and savings and spent it doing drugs and gambling...So when I divorced him I claimed bankruptcy so I wouldn't be responsable for the mess in finances he had made. I left before he lost his job which I knew was the next stage and I was right, This is why he was so broke. The market went belly up and we couldn't sell the house...so I left it all and untangled myself while he hit bottom.
 
reefraff

reefraff

Active Member
I wouldn't push the kids one way or another but perhaps looking into what the county will do might not be a bad idea unless the kids REALLY want to go into debt to cover this. Your Rabbi might also know of some ways of at least getting some discounted services too. Shame they will have to pay for this but nice that they want to. You obviously did something right.
 
flower

flower

Well-Known Member
Quote:
Originally Posted by reefraff http:///forum/thread/381586/family-death-i-need-advice/20#post_3324720
I wouldn't push the kids one way or another but perhaps looking into what the county will do might not be a bad idea unless the kids REALLY want to go into debt to cover this. Your Rabbi might also know of some ways of at least getting some discounted services too. Shame they will have to pay for this but nice that they want to. You obviously did something right.

Dan was a Veteran, my daughter who at this moment I'm very proud of, called and arranged for a plot for him at no charge. Because Dan wanted a Jewish burial things are very simple. No wake, no viewing, no flowers, no embalming. A simple pine box, one made without nails if possible. So money for the chapel, memorial cards, copies of the death certificate and that kind of thing is all there is to pay for. Rabbi will do the service at the chapel and at the gravesite.
The &1700.00 will just about cover it. So the outstanding amount will not be much if anything.
I called in to work, they are granting me my last weeks vacation time that I normally take on Thanksgiving, so I won't miss any days pay. Since he is my X husband I'm not entitled to the 3 days of bereavement pay, so they did that.
Prayer works, it helps sick kitties and it helped me...Thank you all for the support, well wishes and prayers.
 
reefraff

reefraff

Active Member
Not sure what you are looking for as a headstone but as a Vet your ex is also entitled to one of those. It was in my dad's will he wanted to be cremated and wanted the vet's headstone, both of which his brothers and sisters didn't want on their family plot up to the point of lying and saying the cemetery didn't allow cremains. Amazing how stupid some people can get when there is a death in the family. It was our decision and there wasn't a thing they could do about it. What my dad wanted he got.
 
flower

flower

Well-Known Member
Quote:
Originally Posted by reefraff http:///forum/thread/381586/family-death-i-need-advice/20#post_3324737
Not sure what you are looking for as a headstone but as a Vet your ex is also entitled to one of those. It was in my dad's will he wanted to be cremated and wanted the vet's headstone, both of which his brothers and sisters didn't want on their family plot up to the point of lying and saying the cemetery didn't allow cremains. Amazing how stupid some people can get when there is a death in the family. It was our decision and there wasn't a thing they could do about it. What my dad wanted he got.

My Mom mentioned a headstone but she said it was a white cross, Dany wouldn't want a cross. I know they have flat name plate so I will look into that as well...Thanks.
 
al&burke

al&burke

Active Member
Hi Flower, I am very sorry for you and your family, sounds like everyone here is giving you great advise. Like they said "watch out for your kids" but you sound like a Mom that really watches out for her kids. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your kids.
Al
 
beth

beth

Administrator
Staff member
If he was a vet, he could get help with headstone.
As said above, if you are the beneficiary of the ins., then it is your money and you are not obligated to finance a funeral. I would be very sure that there is no financial fallout pending from the marriage that you are unaware of that may make you responsible for something before giving up the money for a funerals.
Most counties do have assistance for indigents, but that is usually cremation. Just think with your head in these times of great emotional strife.
 
flower

flower

Well-Known Member
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beth http:///forum/thread/381586/family-death-i-need-advice/20#post_3324849
If he was a vet, he could get help with headstone.
As said above, if you are the beneficiary of the ins., then it is your money and you are not obligated to finance a funeral. I would be very sure that there is no financial fallout pending from the marriage that you are unaware of that may make you responsible for something before giving up the money for a funerals.
Most counties do have assistance for indigents, but that is usually cremation. Just think with your head in these times of great emotional strife.

Good advice, it is hard to keep your head when your all emotional. We really got soaked for cash when my brother died. He wanted to be creamated, the funeral guy charged us $6000.00 for the chapel service. We will NOT be going to that place ths time.
I claimed banckruptcy almost the same day I filed for divorce, to detangle myself from the financial mess Dan created. I'm free and clear. My only obligation is to my mother who is in my care. I was so sure Dan would kill himself taking drugs I held onto that little policy. He did manage to clean up and start putting his life back together, the policy was just sitting there. I changed it to whole life so now there is only $1,700.00 instead of $10,000.00
It was a policy he had when we were married. He had clogged arteries so the $10.000.00 was the max they would insure him for. His job insured him for $100.000.00 needless to say he lost that job after I left him..he had to hit bottom, I knew it was coming.
 
reefraff

reefraff

Active Member
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flower http:///forum/thread/381586/family-death-i-need-advice/20#post_3324860

Good advice, it is hard to keep your head when your all emotional. We really got soaked for cash when my brother died. He wanted to be creamated, the funeral guy charged us $6000.00 for the chapel service. We will NOT be going to that place ths time.
I claimed banckruptcy almost the same day I filed for divorce, to detangle myself from the financial mess Dan created. I'm free and clear. My only obligation is to my mother who is in my care. I was so sure Dan would kill himself taking drugs I held onto that little policy. He did manage to clean up and start putting his life back together, the policy was just sitting there. I changed it to whole life so now there is only $1,700.00 instead of $10,000.00
It was a policy he had when we were married. He had clogged arteries so the $10.000.00 was the max they would insure him for. His job insured him for $100.000.00 needless to say he lost that job after I left him..he had to hit bottom, I knew it was coming.
Theres also a Social Security death benefit of like 250.00 but hey, every little bit helps.
 
deejeff442

deejeff442

Active Member
sorry flower,sometimes you can do your best for someone but they have to do it for themselves first.i lost my cool brother in law (well my sis in laws longtime boyfriend) to a sudden heartattact 6 months ago.he was a big drinker and smoker.the weird thing was he always had an old pickup.dressed like a bum and when he died they found over $100,000 in his bank account
smart with his money but not his health.
good luck to you and prayers for the family.
 
ironeagle2006

ironeagle2006

Active Member
I know I have seen the Star of David Headstone for the Veterans of Jewish fatih before. Called I have 2 Grandfathers buried in National Cemetaries and I have seen them there. Also if you look at the Pictures of Normandy France for the men that died in the D-Day invaisons. Look into it I know they are out there.
 
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