friend suicide..

goober_hunter

goober_hunter

Member
my friend took his own life , and tomorrow is the viewing. he was one of the poeple that were always there for everyone. just took me and every one by surprize, the guy would've given anyone the shirt off his back. he left his wife and four kids. i was with him friday night and he took his life saturday moring. all my friends are his friends too. and we have seen each other after it took place. i think we want to talk about it , but no one has started the conversation. its hitting all of us hard and tomorrow is going to be even harder seeiong his wife and kids at the viewing.
no one seen this coming. he only called his father to let him know that ( he was leaving the front door unlocked and they can come get his body from the bathroom)... then he pulled the trigger.
his wife can not go back into the house, so she asked for us to help move thier belongings to a new location.
iam just confused in how to go throw the process of bring up the conversation about what happened. i know we all got questions and talking about it would help the grieving process.
thanks for letting vent to you all..
 
t316

t316

Active Member
Really sorry goober. I too experienced this about 10 yrs ago when I was a Police Officer. One of my fellow officers, who was also one of my best friends, was just as you described your friend....was the one that was always there for everybody else. I never saw it coming either. I guess the stress from the job and maybe some problems with his ex got to him. Used his service weapon of all things. What hurt so bad was just the simple question of..."why couldn't you tell me, or give me a clue".
I don't know how to help you, but I will say that I first went thru disbelief and shock, then there was flat out ANGER at him for being so stupid and not telling me, and finally there was just a depressing time that was very hard to shake...a time when you get distant from your other friends and family, maybe thinking someone else is going to hurt you like this too, not sure. But time heals everything. I remember him now, the good times, and don't think about the ending nearly as much.
I would suggest that you be the one to bring up a discussion. After the arrangements are over, have all your friends over. Get it out in the open. Cry, get mad, whatever you have to do. I think if I had of done this with others, maybe the whole sequence of emotions would have progressed faster and not been so lingering. Condolences my friend...
 
goober_hunter

goober_hunter

Member
thanks its just hard to belivie dont feel real. i thought i knew him well. we had plans for the following monday. i have lots of questions ,
if he knew that he was going to commit suicide why go work that day before.?
if he though about his kids and how thier lives are going to be affected ?
lots of other questions that probably will not get answered.
you think it would be wrong to ask if he left a note? and if i could read it?
 
t316

t316

Active Member
Originally Posted by goober_hunter
http:///forum/post/2912942
thanks its just hard to belivie dont feel real. i thought i knew him well. we had plans for the following monday. i have lots of questions ,
if he knew that he was going to commit suicide why go work that day before.?
if he though about his kids and how thier lives are going to be affected ?
lots of other questions that probably will not get answered.
you think it would be wrong to ask if he left a note? and if i could read it?
No, I don't think it's wrong to ask about the note. I would give his family a little time to get thru the next few days, but personally, I would go see his wife and ask every question in the book. This will probably help her as well. She might have some insight to some personal problems going on that you didn't know about, but then again, a lot of times, people just harbor depression, or start having $ problems and just do something stupid on impulse with no regard to others. (BTW...these are the type of things you will start getting mad about during the "angry" phase).
I'm no pyschologist dude, so don't take much from me. If it gets to bad, go see a counselor. I just feel your pain and can relate.
 
mimzy

mimzy

Active Member
just don't blame yourself. you're angry, you're confused, you're hurt - that's ok. you're allowed. you SHOULD be. but people who do this do it to themselves... no one can stop them, nothing you or anyone else could ever have said or done would have changed it or made it different. this was a choice HE made.
don't blame yourself.
feel. but don't blame.
talk to your friends, to his family, mourn, commiserate, remember, think, feel, but don't ever think you could have stopped it. It's so futile.
I wish you all the best, and don't hesitate 2post here when you're feeling crappy - that's what we're here 4.
 
teresaq

teresaq

Active Member
I am sorry for your loss, I too have been thru this. My husband was a youth leader for the police department. I knew this kid from the time he was 15. It was before I had kids of my own and always thought of him as my own. At 24 he took his life. My husband was on duty and one of the first persons there. It was very hard and I was very angry at him for not coming and talking to us. We where very close and has just seen him a few days before. With time I have forgiven him
T
 
tangman99

tangman99

Active Member
So sorry to hear this. I also had someone I know commit suicide but they were not a very close friend. Like already mentioned, wait until the services are over and then invite your friends out for a drink to honor your friend. That will naturally set the stage to talk about it.
Also, no matter how close friends you were, chances are you would never know intimate details of his home life. Not saying there were any problems there that contributed to it. It's obvious there were problems and you need to face the fact that you will probably never know all the details. Remember the good times and know that whatever his problems were, you brought friendship and some good times into his life.
Good luck to you.
 
scotts

scotts

Active Member
I knew someone that did this also. He was more of an aquaintance (sp?) than a friend. I remember that someone said that suicide is the most selfish thing that you can do. I too felt anger at him. Later after Richard Jeni committed suicide his GF said not to feel angry towards him, just know that he had a mental illness and finally succumed to it. Maybe your friend was that way, he had been fighting his inner demons, and fighting the good fight. But they finally won.
 
lkgrenegade22

lkgrenegade22

Member
Unfortunately I can speak from experience here. One of my good friends commited suicide our senior year in HS a few nights before our senior banquet. He was on the way to my house, following me and when I turned on my road he turned the opposite way and road down the path and shot himself. Talk about it. It helps, trust me. There is always a reason...We found out somethings that nobody really knew before hand. Don't be afraid to bring it up. You didn't do it so do not feel guilty.
 
U

usirchchris

Guest
Wow...just terrible. I am truly sorry. Sympathy and prayers go out to the family.
 
T

tizzo

Guest
It would seem, that be the message he left for his dad, whether on a machine or in person, indicates that wants his dad to know even before it's done. Something had to be wrong between those two for him to say that.
My guess would be that his issues were deep rooted somewhere with his pop.
Sorry about your loss. It's really sad how and that, this happened.
 
t316

t316

Active Member
Not necessarily Tizzo, unless there was more to the phone conversation than goob has indicated so far. Actually, in most cases, people who commit suicide, especially in a manner such as this (firearm), will actually take a few "extra" measures before the deed is done. I have seen cases where people actually cleaned their house up beforehand, maybe knowing others would be coming. Also, like this case I suspect, people usually call someone they can trust that can handle the news.
What I'm trying to say is, IMO he waited until his family was away, called his Dad so that he would be found before his family came back home and saw it, and he did it in the bathroom where it could be cleaned up the easiest causing the least amount of problems on his family as possible.
Sorry goob...I know, way too much info.
 
sepulatian

sepulatian

Moderator
I am truly very sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your friends, and his family. This is not something that I have ever been through. I wish that I had deep words of wisdom for this situation, but I do not. My heart goes out to you.
 
invertcrazy

invertcrazy

Member
Sorry to hear this.. There is never enough words to make the pain go away. If nobody seen this coming and he never talked about it, you may never know why. There will be a lot of what if's, i'm sure but none of you or your friends should blame yourself for this. Wait until after the services are over and gather a few of your closest friends and his wife if she is up to it and try to put any pieces together. You just may never know.
+ Prayers are with all of you +
 
cowfishrule

cowfishrule

Active Member
sucks dood. in my experience, once somebody makes up their mind, nothing you can say/do will change this.
dont blame yourself, nor others.
talk about it. the more you talk, the more you'll understand.
the more you understand, the faster you'll move on with your life.
 
nwdyr

nwdyr

Active Member
CFR said it well!! YOU cant help someone when they decided to do that , I also had a friend that hung himself in his parents back yard! don't know why he did it or why he did it there. Its very sad , just talk as much as you can to your friends and to his wife. God bless you , and I will also say prayers for all of you.
 
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