good joke for women
- Thread starter nemo lover
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fishkiller
Active Member
What do you do when the dishwasher stops working???
You kick her in the butt. If that doesn't work, send ti away for a new one.
You kick her in the butt. If that doesn't work, send ti away for a new one.
E
exile415
Guest
Originally Posted by TAZ_12777
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it
haha, but he can get up and press the buttons on the tv ! :yes:
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it
haha, but he can get up and press the buttons on the tv ! :yes:
E
exile415
Guest
how do you know it's 12 o'clock at michael jacksons house ?
when the big hand and the little hand are touching.
when the big hand and the little hand are touching.
tome
Member
One night a father overheard his sons prayer "God Bless Grandma, Daddy, Mommy. TaTa Grandpa." The next morning the grandpa dies, but the father doesnt think about it. That night the boy prays again "God bless Daddy, Mommy. TaTa Grandma." Again the next morning the Grandma dies, and the father gets worried because he knows he is next. So again the boy prays "god bless Mommy, TaTa daddy." So the father stays up all night worrying, and the next morning the dad goes to the doctor and finds out he is healthy. On the way home the man sees his wife frantic. So he runs to her to see what the problem is. She said "Honey come quick the mailman just dropped dead on the proch!
nemo lover
Member
This means war!!!AAARRRGG
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
taz_12777
Member
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
celacanthr
Active Member
how are 3 siblings like 3 pancakes?
the first one is burnt
the 3rd isn't cooked through
but the 2nd(me) is perfect
the first one is burnt
the 3rd isn't cooked through
but the 2nd(me) is perfect
nemo lover
Member
JUST MARRIED
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants, "she said. "That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that, she flipped him her panties and said' "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants, "she said. "That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that, she flipped him her panties and said' "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"
mimzy
Active Member
Why was the blonde girl's bellybutton black and blue?
B/c her boyfriend was blonde too.
A blonde & a brunnette were standing in an elevator when a man who was extremely attractive but was suffering from a terrible case of dandruff got on to the elevator.
When the man got off on his floor, the brunnette turned to the blonde and said "Wow, that guy was GORGEOUS! But someone should really give him some Head&Shoulders."
The blonde looked confused and replied, "Yeah...but what's shoulders?"
B/c her boyfriend was blonde too.
A blonde & a brunnette were standing in an elevator when a man who was extremely attractive but was suffering from a terrible case of dandruff got on to the elevator.
When the man got off on his floor, the brunnette turned to the blonde and said "Wow, that guy was GORGEOUS! But someone should really give him some Head&Shoulders."
The blonde looked confused and replied, "Yeah...but what's shoulders?"
nemo lover
Member
A Good Husband
A man wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in prefect order. So's the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper await him.
His son is also at the table, eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."
Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted, "Lady, get your hands off me! I'm married!"
Restroom Humor
I am barely sitting down when I hear a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation or fraternize in men's rooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answer, somewhat embarrassedly: "Not bad!"
And the other guy says: "So what's up with you?"
What a question? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "I'm like you, just traveling east!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously... "LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
A man wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in prefect order. So's the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper await him.
His son is also at the table, eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."
Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted, "Lady, get your hands off me! I'm married!"
Restroom Humor
I am barely sitting down when I hear a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation or fraternize in men's rooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answer, somewhat embarrassedly: "Not bad!"
And the other guy says: "So what's up with you?"
What a question? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "I'm like you, just traveling east!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously... "LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
nemo lover
Member
A woman suddenly woke up in the middle of the night to a weeping sound. She looked over to see her husband not in bed. Confused she walks down her hallway to stairs and down into the basment as the sounds get louder, she notices her husband facing the corner crying "whats wrong hunny why are you crying" she asks " well you remmeber when your dad caught us fooling around when we were kids"? he replied "yes" she replied "how he said I had two choices marry you or do twenty years" he replied "yeah" she replied " well my twenty years would have been up today"
nyyankeees
Member
I'm a female, and I fell for this one, LOL.
"The Perfect Couple"
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
"The Perfect Couple"
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
gafish
Member
There are three blonde women stranded on a island when a genie lamp washes up on the shore. They rub the lamp and the genie pops out, he tell them that since there is three of them that he will grant each one of them one wish a piece. The first women jumps up and say's "I want to be smart enough to get off this island" BOOM she becomes a brunette and swims off the island, the next woman say's "I want to be smarter than her to get off this island" BOOM she becomes a raven haired woman and builds a raft and row's off the island. The third woman stands up and say's "I want to be smarter than both of them and get off this island" BOOM she becomes a man and walks over the bridge.
airforceb2
Active Member
For the men out here....
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
Give her a shovel.
Why are womens feet shorter than mens?
To get closer to the sink.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
Give her a shovel.
Why are womens feet shorter than mens?
To get closer to the sink.
nemo lover
Member
hehe nyyankees,
I too feel for that lmao. Good jokes everyone!
I too feel for that lmao. Good jokes everyone!