Help with teenager

t316

Active Member
I don't disagree that bribery works, but in my situation, I have created a problem in that area, and I take full responsibility. Because of what I have been able to achieve (and my wife) financially, I have been able to give my kids many things that I was not afforded as a child. No, I don't "spoil" them with everything they want, but by all definitions, they have it made. This was not the case early on in their childhood, but memory wise, this is all they know.
My approach here MUST be something non-monetary/non-materialistic. He does not relate to that anymore.
 

rotarymagic

Active Member
Tell him "hey lets go for a ride" and drive down by the homeless shelter... and tell him "hey meet your new buddies, I think that toothless guy over there aleady wants to be your friend.." and kick him out of the car and start driving off... he'll come crying back and pretend like you don't care for awhile then let him back...It also may help to say "Oh hey I've already put in the paper work, I'm sorry" a few times.
Let's face it, being labeled as a bum or associated with homelessness is socially frowned upon and taboo. It'll shape him up.
 

zman1

Active Member

Originally Posted by socal57che
http:///forum/post/2845916
Thanks. saved to favorites. (16 yr old rebel daughter, I've been following the responses)
"A few experts have bridged this conceptual gap, most notably Diana Baumrind in her work on parenting styles. She contrasted three major parenting styles, authoritarian, authoritative
, and permissive. Authoritarian parents emphasized firm control, permissive parents emphasized nurturance, whereas authoritative parents emphasized both. In addition, authoritative parents emphasized communication with their children and encouraged age-appropriate skills and autonomy. The children of authoritative parents generally showed more individual initiative and social responsibility in Baumrind's studies, compared to children of the other two types of parents."
Then you have hormone whacked-out puberty to deal with... Which sounds like some of what T316 is dealing with, too...
 

socal57che

Active Member
Originally Posted by zman1
http:///forum/post/2845943
Then you have hormone whacked-out puberty to deal with... Which sounds like some of what T316 is dealing with, too...
We have plenty of this horemone crap.
We seem to fall into the authoritative column. Unfortunately my 16 yr old is living with her mom in Missouri and is growing up to be exactly like her.
How I wish I could change the way things are. Hopefully she won't be beyond help when she starts college. I'm trying to talk her into coming out here for school. We'll see.
T316, you and your family will be in our prayers tonight.
 

truefishman

Member
sorry but excuse me if i have missed it but i may not have the best advise but oh well maybe it could be his friends that are influencing to not care about school.have you met his friends have you met the friends parents.maybe his friends could care less about school and that is influencing him to not do anything about it.
 

truefishman

Member
maybe he dosent have a goal in life i have been asked very many times recently what do you want to be when you grow up it has certinly got me thinking does he life the tank or marine life if he dosent does he like sharks or rays if he likes both get him a tank to challenge him have him take responsibility of something my brother got me hooked on the swfish thing and i already know what i want to do when i grow up a marine biologist it all depends what he likes to do i hope all goes well
 

jennythebugg

Active Member
my 13 yr old daughter was doing the same things last semester.her teachers said she wasnt turning in work disrupting class talking and treating school like it was nothing more than a daytime nightclub. i took EVERYTHING away till she brought her grades up. no phone, no friends, no computer ,no makeup, no hair gel/spray /accesories, no jewelry ,no clothes ,no sugar or caffiene . she wore her school uniforms during the day - even weekends and pajamas at night that was it , i made her clean their bathroom, empty the litterbox and do dishes every day after her homework ,so that she had no time to sit around , her grades were up in less than three weeks. i had tried grounding her from certain items but not making her life '' bare necessities '' that was the trigger with her , once she saw how miserable her life would be in the future without that education ,if she was working min. wage and couldnt afford all those luxuries ( cable, phone,internet,makeup...etc) she straightened up really fast and if she slips that badly again, i will do it again because it is the ONLY punishment i have found that works with her.for some reason ive never had problems like that with my oldest ,layne, or youngest, william ,just mare
 

jennythebugg

Active Member
never pay a child for good grades, the reward for good grades is living in a comfortable home with ac cable pets a cool room with a video game and computer, people that pay their kids for grades most of the time end up raising kids that have their hands out and who will do nothing without being paid for it
 

t316

Active Member
Originally Posted by Truefishman
http:///forum/post/2846210
sorry but excuse me if i have missed it but i may not have the best advise but oh well maybe it could be his friends that are influencing to not care about school.have you met his friends have you met the friends parents.maybe his friends could care less about school and that is influencing him to not do anything about it.
No, it's not his friends. He does tend to migrate to other 'quiet' type, but in general, they are not trouble makers. And the school families are a pretty tight knit group. We know the parents/kids, and they know us.
Originally Posted by Truefishman

http:///forum/post/2846231
maybe he dosent have a goal in life i have been asked very many times recently what do you want to be when you grow up it has certinly got me thinking does he life the tank or marine life if he dosent does he like sharks or rays if he likes both get him a tank to challenge him have him take responsibility of something my brother got me hooked on the swfish thing and i already know what i want to do when i grow up a marine biologist it all depends what he likes to do i hope all goes well
Of course he has a goal...he's 13. His goal is to chase girls and skateboard.
 

premilove

Active Member
Originally Posted by jennythebugg
http:///forum/post/2846242
never pay a child for good grades, the reward for good grades is living in a comfortable home with ac cable pets a cool room with a video game and computer, people that pay their kids for grades most of the time end up raising kids that have their hands out and who will do nothing without being paid for it
well than those type of kids are straight selfish and spoiled brats. my brother and I pay alot of bills in our house. cable is me, family plan cell phone is me, brother is heat and water.i am 19, he is 22..we love our parents and want them to have a great life. we want them to travel the world. we want them to wake up and have no worries. all depends on the kid.. till this day i have never asked my parents for any money.
 

zeroc0o0l

Member
Quick idea.. my parents had my teachers sign all of my homework for the day so I couldn't lie about assignments. It became a daily routine each teach would sign off on the work that needed to be completed each night.
 

jennythebugg

Active Member
i hate to say it and mean no offence but if you guys are 19 and 22 and still living at home you should not act like your doing them a big favor by helping with the bills , you are after all adults
 

truefishman

Member
that is true. but what i was talking about what does he want to be when he grows up do you have any idea like i said earlier try to get him into the fish hobby and make him take responsibility for something
 

groupergenius

Active Member
Teenagers

I'm a little past your point. My 2 sons are 20 and 18. But I feel your pain brother. My 20 year old was allways a great student throughout K-12. Honor roll and all that. Got to college and went to crud. Party time.
My 18 year old would ace all his tests, but never did the homework, projects, etc. Now works at a grocery store.
Although the extra curricular junk that teenagers do from generation to generation changes. (thank God my sons didn't do the stupid crap I did growing up) They still have that look on their face when you talk to them that our parents saw.....The "are you done talking yet, I have a life to live and your old allready" look.
Unfortunately, our kids don't heed our direction and warnings because we are their parents. We are supposed to love them no matter. It becomes a parents curse really and is why kids respond more to friends or some outside source. The child is trying to "gain" their love and attention.
I have called my Father many times over the past 30 years and apologized. And so far, my 20 year old has given me the same call a time or 2.
 

mboswell1982

Active Member
i stilllllllllllllllllll much prefer what my dad did, it solved the problem realll quick, but, i guess in this day an age, ur liable to have ur son defacs on you as soon as he wakes up from you knocking him out, but, i promise you, it only takes one time, and then he'll listen reallll good.
 

t316

Active Member
Originally Posted by GrouperGenius
http:///forum/post/2846748
Teenagers

I'm a little past your point. My 2 sons are 20 and 18. But I feel your pain brother. My 20 year old was allways a great student throughout K-12. Honor roll and all that. Got to college and went to crud. Party time.
My 18 year old would ace all his tests, but never did the homework, projects, etc. Now works at a grocery store.
Although the extra curricular junk that teenagers do from generation to generation changes. (thank God my sons didn't do the stupid crap I did growing up) They still have that look on their face when you talk to them that our parents saw.....The "are you done talking yet, I have a life to live and your old allready" look.
Unfortunately, our kids don't heed our direction and warnings because we are their parents. We are supposed to love them no matter. It becomes a parents curse really and is why kids respond more to friends or some outside source. The child is trying to "gain" their love and attention.
I have called my Father many times over the past 30 years and apologized. And so far, my 20 year old has given me the same call a time or 2.
Agree Grouper...he still isn't into all the things I was. This has to be God's curse on me....you reap what you sow

Originally Posted by mboswell1982

http:///forum/post/2846786
i stilllllllllllllllllll much prefer what my dad did, it solved the problem realll quick, but, i guess in this day an age, ur liable to have ur son defacs on you as soon as he wakes up from you knocking him out, but, i promise you, it only takes one time, and then he'll listen reallll good.
mboswell, if you are still suggesting to "knock him out", I have come to the conclusion that that's not the cure. Don't get me wrong, I do spank. I am not one of these "timeout" parents. And even though he is 13, I don't have a problem making him drop his britches and tear his butt up, but again, he's 13 so spanking is phasing out for him. But the real reason that I'm not a fan of flat out "knocking him out", is that my Dad tore my a.. up more than once with a belt, to the point of blood. Yes, I got the message, but I don't think it has to go that far. In my opinion (and it's just that, an opinion....this was not intended to be a "punishment" thread), when it reaches the level of "punching" or "blood", it's more about the parent's momentary anger, not the offense of the child.
 

mboswell1982

Active Member
oh, the spankings, which for me, were applied with a fresh cut, by me, cherry switch did draw blood on a fairly regular basis, but, the way i look at it now, looking back, i would always, and i mean ALWAYS, do something to deserve em, LOL but they stopped when i was around 10, i gotten outta that phase, then when i hit teenage years, well, i started being a lil crap head, yeah, im smart, sometimes too smart for my own good, IQ of 146 an all that good crap, doesnt mean jack if u dont do anything with it LOL.
and the knocking out, well, it had gotten to the point where i was mouthing off to him on a regular basis, this was about 4 years after the rents divorced, had been goin on for about 6 months or so, finally he said, son, if you think you're man enough, feel free to give it your best shot, and stuck out his chin. I hit him just as hard as i could, only to hear him laugh at me, and hear myself going, oh *&^&, he said thats right boy, and i dont remember anything til i woke up about half an hour later. from that point on, everything was great LOL i did my hw everyday, without fail, my grades went from d's an f's to a's and b's, even the knock out couldnt cure my ADHD LOL and to this day, me an my dad are best friends, i live 3k miles away from him now, on the other side of the country, and i call him at least 3 times a week, and every weekend, without fail, even if its just to say hi, how ya doin dad, sometimes we have those hour long bs sessions, he's my dad, my best friend, and gonna be my best man, and i cant wait to give him a grandson that carries on the family name. and i can honestly say, it really wouldnt be that way if he hadnt done what he did to me 13 years ago
 

sepulatian

Moderator
My son is 13 as well. He wasn't doing so great with homework at the beginning of this year. I always ask about homework, but he has an academic study hall and told me that he did the work there. I spoke to his teachers, he wasn't handing the work in. I work at the same school that he goes to. I did some digging and found out that in the two classes that he wasn't doing so well in, he has some friends that are not so wonderful in there with him. He was doing great in the other classes. For those that don't know, I work in behavior management and am very close to the discipline staff such as behavior specialists, psychologists, and VPs. I had his schedule changed. He is no longer with those kids. T316, I know that you may not be able to do that, but it really helped a lot with my son. He is doing great now, and turning in all of his work. Talk to your son's councilor and teachers. Find out what is going on. I found out that my son was mainly goofing off with these kids and was dong well in classes that he didn't share with them. I guess turning in homework isn't "cool" at 13 with certain individuals around
I also agree with giving them the rope to hang themselves with. That has worked very well for me. My son has a phone with unlimited text. He got into trouble with his home economics teacher a few weeks ago. I took his phone for three days. He has been as sweet as can be since he got it back. No troubles. How long that will last...I don't know. Nothing works for a long amount of time with kids. You have to be on your toes at all times. Don't go with outrageous punishments though. If you do then there will come a time when they have nothing to lose. Be reasonable with punishments and think ahead. What can you do when there is nothing left to take? Don't put yourself into that corner, no matter how mad you get. He is a kid still. Find out WHY he is doing this, then think up your plan of attack. You can talk to him about his future and that he is going into high school next year. If something is bothering him then it may not sink in just yet. Try to keep a level head though.
 
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