politicall incorrect!

darthtang aw

darthtang aw

Active Member
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
blonde baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ..' -
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....
 
crimzy

crimzy

Active Member
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and
... hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
 
reefraff

reefraff

Active Member
A guy is walking on the beach and finds an old bottle half buried in the sand. He starts brushing the sand off the bottle to see if there is a label and suddenly the bottle spews out a cloud of mist and there before him stood a genie. The genie tells him "You have released me from the bottle but forget what you've heard in the stories, you get one wish and one wish only". After thinking for a moment the man, who's already a billionaire decided to ask the genie for "a package" that hangs down to the ground. The genie says "Your wish is my command" and cut off the man's legs.
 
crimzy

crimzy

Active Member
While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest [edit] he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge [edit] like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the [edit], places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams,"Schwartz is dead!"
 
reefraff

reefraff

Active Member
The 3 stages of marital "relations"
Step one: Honeymoon "relations" You can't keep your hands off each other. Your doing it in the livingroom, the garage, the kitchen, on top of the fridge, everywhere
Step two: Mommy and Daddy "relations" Strictly in the bedroom late at night and very quiet so's not to wake the kids
Step three: Hallway "relations" You pass each other in the hallway and say "#&$^ You!!!"
 
darthtang aw

darthtang aw

Active Member
Have you seen the world's shortest books?
Irish Wit and Wisdom.
Jewish Business Ethics.
French War Heroes.
Negroes I Have Met While Yachting.
Aboriginal Hygeine Hints.
Adolf Hitler's Kosher Recipes.
Muslim Pork Dishes.
The Amish Phone Book.
Things I Can`t Afford by Bill Gates. Edited by Steve Jobs
Great Women Drivers of Today.
The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex.
The Book of Good Australian Beer.
Beauty Secrets by Cathy Freeman.
 
darthtang aw

darthtang aw

Active Member
An American journalist goes to Afghanistan in 2000. Everywhere he goes he sees men walking ten feet in front of women. He asks an Afghani guy about it, the guy responds, "this is our culture, where men are superior to women, and that is why they must walk behind us." Journalist shrugs and goes back to US.
Five years later, in 2005, same journalist goes back to Afghanistan. Everywhere he goes he now sees women walking ten feet IN FRONT of men. Journalist gets really excited, goes to talk to an Afghani guy. "This is an amazing cultural shift, and step toward gender equality!" journalist says. "What prompted this change?"
Afghani guy shrugs. "Landmines"
 
darthtang aw

darthtang aw

Active Member
President Bush, Pope John Paul II, and a child are in a plane. All of the sudden, it starts to go down. There are only 2 parachutes, Bush takes one and says:
"I am the most intelligent person in the world and the leader of the most powerful countries on this planet, I deserve to live" and jumps out.
The pope says "Well child, I'm old and you deserve to live, so take the last parachute and live a good life"
The child responds: "Don't worry, the most intelligent person in the world took my backpack instead of a parachute".
 
darthtang aw

darthtang aw

Active Member
A doctor, a lawyer, and a priest were on a plane full of children that was malfunctioning and on its way down quick. The doctor cries, "We have to save the children!" The lawyer shouts, "Screw the kids!" The priest asks, "Do you think we have time?"
 
darthtang aw

darthtang aw

Active Member
So two brothers are lost hiking through the forest, and to their dismay it starts pouring rain. They frantically call out in the woods (their in the middle of nowhere really and it's getting dark) and finally come across a medium sized cabin. The first brother knocks on the door and an older man in his mid 50's opens the door and asks what they want. The brothers plead with him desperately, they ask him if they can stay at his house for the night, so they can get out of the rain. The older man accepts and lets them into his house, but he says to them,
"You can stay here, but only on the condition that you DO NOT so much as touch my daughter."
The two brothers accept hastily, but then when the man leaves to sleep, the daughter walks out to greet them, and since she's beautiful the second brother has sex with her while the first brother keeps watch on the older man to make sure the woman's father doesn't catch them. The next day, they wake up to a shot gun poking their faces, and the father tells them to get up and says to them,
"For breaking the one rule I gave to you (the daughter told him), I'm forcing you both to do this favor for me. You will each go out into the forest and find 20 of one kind of berry or fruit inside my garden and pick it, then bring it back to me."
The brothers hurry out of the house to do as he says and after 15 minutes the first brother comes back with 20 strawberry's. The man pulls out his shotgun again and tells him to stick them up his butt as punishment. After the first few the brother winces, then after 10 he starts laughing. Surprised the father asks him what's so funny, and the brother says,
"My brother picked out watermelons".
 
darthtang aw

darthtang aw

Active Member
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
 
darthtang aw

darthtang aw

Active Member
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says,
'Nah, go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.
 
darthtang aw

darthtang aw

Active Member
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."
 
darthtang aw

darthtang aw

Active Member
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
 
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