question about stepkids

[fish master]

i was going to put this in allysis thread but didnt want to change topic.so here goes. ive been married to my wife for 5 years. she has 2 great kids. i get along with them great, it took me a while, because they thought i was replacing their dad, but finaly we have bonded. ive explained to them iam not replacing their dad. stepson is 12 and stepdaughter is 10. both are about 2 years more mature than other kids their age. stepson is in 5th grade, pretty much an a student. never gets in trouble in school. star player on basketball and football team. teachers sends notes home to us telling us how he helps out other kids that are having trouble. teachers love him. then out of the blue, he does something terrible in school. iam not going to say what it is but it was very bad.they kicked him out of school.wife went to school to talk to them. they decided it was out of his character to act like that, so let him come back the next day. ok now here is problem, my wife and i had this major fight over his grounding. so she called exhusband and talked about punishment. they grounded him the same way they do when hes being mean to sister or smarting off. no tv or video games. i thought it should be more severe, like maybe take him out of sports, until he learned what he had done was very bad. but my wife went with her exhusbands decision. they even let him play in football the day he was kicked out of school. we got in a major fight. she told me she would always pick the kids dads decision on disiplin over mine. maybe iam old school, but the kids live with us 26 days out of the month, and are with their dad 4 days a month. doesnt seem right that i dont have any say so. so anyone with step kids, tell me if i was out of place and should stay out of it.

 

[ruaround]

you should support her decision... depending on what he did i think pulling anyone out of sports is too severe...
should make him voluteer for something... cuz grounding is just going to drive you nuts...

 

[maryg]

No!
I don't believe you were out of place. She should respect your opinion as well. You are contributing to the bills and to your time with them as well. Not every man will accept an already made family. To exclude you after this time is wrong IMO. Not to make excuses but he is at THAT age. Kids can be cruel and are like sheep and follow the crowd. Hopefully this child knows what he has done is wrong and not acceptable. But he should not be rewarded as well.

 

[fish master]

the grounding from sports doesnt seem that bad to me, i know alot of people will disagree, but when your in high school sports, and your grades arent up to par, you cant play. so i fill that what he done was way far worse than bad grades

 

[jennythebugg]

your opinion counts ! do not let them tell you that it doesnt. you are emotionally invested in these children and have obviously been a loving and supportive father figure and your opinion should not be discounted

 

[aquaknight]

x2. Your opinion should have at least been somewhat acknowleged/considered by her, instead of being completely blown-off, from the sounds of it?
As far as being pulled from sports and punishment, that was one of the things that used to irk me when I was a kid, was a punishment, that seems to come from left field and not at all related. Like if my brother and I were fighting over playstation, I could perfectly understand no playstation for 3 weeks after that. But something like no bicycles after fighting over playstation, I just never understood. The punishment should 'fit the bill' is what I'm trying to say...

 

[el guapo]

I would say that if your the live in male figure in the house and they live in your home then you should have a say in what goes down . maybe not a 50/50 say but you should have some at least . Its sad to say but this is a serious hurrdle to over come . You can either shrug it off and continue on and leave the burden of discipline to them or you can make a stink . Either way is going to lead to trouble . Either way its a bad call for her not to at least consider your input and advice . by not she is causing a rift in your relationship that will only continue to grow if not addressed.

 

[jdl]

Originally Posted by fish master
http:///forum/post/2912519
i was going to put this in allysis thread but didnt want to change topic.so here goes. ive been married to my wife for 5 years. she has 2 great kids. i get along with them great, it took me a while, because they thought i was replacing their dad, but finaly we have bonded. ive explained to them iam not replacing their dad. stepson is 12 and stepdaughter is 10. both are about 2 years more mature than other kids their age. stepson is in 5th grade, pretty much an a student. never gets in trouble in school. star player on basketball and football team. teachers sends notes home to us telling us how he helps out other kids that are having trouble. teachers love him. then out of the blue, he does something terrible in school. iam not going to say what it is but it was very bad.they kicked him out of school.wife went to school to talk to them. they decided it was out of his character to act like that, so let him come back the next day. ok now here is problem, my wife and i had this major fight over his grounding. so she called exhusband and talked about punishment. they grounded him the same way they do when hes being mean to sister or smarting off. no tv or video games. i thought it should be more severe, like maybe take him out of sports, until he learned what he had done was very bad. but my wife went with her exhusbands decision. they even let him play in football the day he was kicked out of school. we got in a major fight. she told me she would always pick the kids dads decision on disiplin over mine. maybe iam old school, but the kids live with us 26 days out of the month, and are with their dad 4 days a month. doesnt seem right that i dont have any say so. so anyone with step kids, tell me if i was out of place and should stay out of it.
you're in a crappy situation. I would just let it go. Having the kids see you fight over this is probably not a good thing. Make her be the bringer of punishment, even if you dont agree with it fully. Offer suggestions but dont become angry if you are ignored.
having step kids is very difficult, goodluck.

 

[fish master]

the part that bothers me is that she used to get mad because i couldnt make it to alot of his games because of work. she said it ment alot to him for me to be there. so i made a special attempt to make it to the games. now iam at 90 percent of his games. his father is only at the games that when hes got the kids. we go to all games no matter who has kids. so i feel like she wants me to be a step father just when she wants me to be. i feel a step father is envolved in all parts of their lives

 

[scopus tang]

Stepkids up, stepkids down. One day they tell you you they love you, they next they'er at school telling all their friends how bad their life sucks and how you are the source of all their problems. You, my friend, are in one sucky situation and I sincerely feel for you. IME you can't win this one, no matter which way it goes - reason being, a decision has been made. Try to change it, and make the punishment worse in the kid's eyes and the kid is going to hate your guts - instantly you become the evil stepdad, interferring with his "parents" decision. Your wife should have respected your input before a decision is made, now all you've got is a rife that if unresolved is only going to get worse, and most likely cannot be resolved in a manner that will satisfy all involved. I can tell you from personal experience that if you try to enforce your feelings here, it will probably only be the beginning of hard feelings between you and the children, and those feeling will no doubt only get worse as they become older - teenagers are dang hard to deal with - it is frankly amazing just how stupid we become when our kids become teenagers. Don't get me wrong, I love all my children, adopted, step, and natural, but it is one bumpy ride. Hang in there - now that the children are turning college age we are starting to see a glimmer of light at the end of a few of the tunnels. Hope you and the wife make it through it.

 

[jdl]

Originally Posted by fish master
http:///forum/post/2912649
the part that bothers me is that she used to get mad because i couldnt make it to alot of his games because of work. she said it ment alot to him for me to be there. so i made a special attempt to make it to the games. now iam at 90 percent of his games. his father is only at the games that when hes got the kids. we go to all games no matter who has kids. so i feel like she wants me to be a step father just when she wants me to be. i feel a step father is envolved in all parts of their lives
that is a big thing. I just had this same conversation. GF doesnt goto any of my kids activities because of work, and they notice.
I used to let my son play games with me on the computer. We would have death matches in call of duty 4. She didnt like this because he is 8, so we just did it when she was at work. One day she heard him talking about it. She was pissed at me, but not in front of the kids. We then agreed together to only let him play E rated games. I was the bringer of bad news to him even though she was the executioner. He understood because i told him: new rule, only allowed to play E rated games, i shouldnt have let you do that before. There is a reason that games are rated and we are just going to use the rating as a standard. He was ok with that. But if i would have said: GF wont let you play anything but E games, he would probably not be a happy camper with her. There are always a good and bad way to do something.
you two have to talk without the kids hearing and come to some understanding. She may not understand how difficult it is to be a stepfather.

 

[fish master]

step son doesnt know how i feel about his parents decision. never said anything in front of him. i feel my wife and ex doesnt make steeper penalties for what the children do is because each one doesnt want to be the bad parent to the kids

 

[scopus tang]

Originally Posted by fish master
http:///forum/post/2912704
step son doesnt know how i feel about his parents decision. never said anything in front of him. i feel my wife and ex doesnt make steeper penalties for what the children do is because each one doesnt want to be the bad parent to the kids
Again, may be true, but kids can be amazingly perceptive. Decision was made and is consistent with mom and dads usual decision. Decision changes, mom not happy, dad doesn't agree, stepdad happy

. Don't get me wrong, its no fun, seemed like I always ended up being the heavy with the kids; if it was my kids she had no problem, if it was her kids it ended up being too much. Ask yourself this question - how can the current situation be changed to make you feel good about the decision - if the answer is, it can't. Then you've got a problem. Best suggestion, think it through, calm down, sit down with your wife and say, "hey, I'm sorry I got upset, it didn't solve anything, but I want you to understand how I feel as a result of the decision you have made (because that is now the real issue - you didn't get any input in the decision). Hopefully she can be made to understand that she and her x are making you feel like the outside looking in and you need to feel like an insider who is involved.

 

[fish master]

.

 

[gman08016]

Well from what you said i think your wife was dead wrong period.Hope i don't get a earfull from every woman on here.I to have two (step) daughters 18,16,and our son which is 10.I have been in there life since the older one was 7.First the kids live under me and my wifes home not there biological male parent.What happens in there daily lives is my wife and i decision at home.The suppose to be real father has no saying whats so ever in our (my wife and i) household period.We both figuired that out as we grew together.Also i don't like to say (step) to any of my kids they are all mine and are all even if the blood test don't come out right.As for what my oldest likes to say about her sperm donor she will tell you she's mine no matter what and yes she does keep in contact to her biological father.I think You and your wife should sit down and try to work this out if not it might eat you up inside because you in your heart know it wasn't right.I think if your a good father you will be dad in the long run.Good luck and just be level headed.

 

[sepulatian]

You have been in their lives since they were quite young, correct? I am going to assume that you didn't marry your wife the day that you met her, so let's say at least six years. Has it always been this way? It seems a little odd that she is completely disregarding your thoughts and feelings on the matter. You certainly should have some input on discipline. The children reside with you and your wife. I can understand your wife's desire to discuss the matter with their father, he should absolutely have a say in it as well. Do you get along with the ex? As for this matter, you cannot change the punishment now. Your step-son already knows what it is. You can certainly talk to your wife about how this makes you feel though. Maybe give her a few days to calm down, but this should be discussed before another situation like this arises. You cannot continue to have your opinion completely disregarded. It isn't fair to you and gives the impression to the kids that what you think doesn't mater. That isn't right at all. You have to discuss it with her. If she is on the defense then remain as calm as you can, even if she starts yelling. She will think more about it later.
Personally, I make the punishment fit the crime. Unless he was caught doing something bad with one of his teams, I wouldn't pull his sports. It is a very positive thing in his life. I would, however, make him come straight home after and not be allowed to talk with his friends between games/practices. There is only so much that you can take away from a child before they feel that they have nothing left to lose. If you do that then the child feels that there is no reason to behave. Moderation and consistency are key when doling out punishments. I am not saying to let kids get away with anything, but take time to think before dishing it out. Is it something that you would have done at his age? Kids do some crazy stuff that is hard to comprehend at times. Remember that he is 12, not your age. Children need discipline as much as they need to know that you still love them and forgive them. Raising children is no easy task. I hope that you and your wife can work this out.

 

[fish master]

i and my wife never fight about anything except this subject, (except money once in a while.) haha. we never have deep fights, unless its on this subject what he done was a terrible thing. he wrote in a letter that he was going to do something to a kid that was bad. i know he didnt mean it, i think he was speaking before he thought about it., and it wasnt even his problem, it was another kid that was getting picked on that he was sticking up for. he just made a bad decision. but you always have to be aware, every thing you do, there is problems that come with it. the way he handled it was way wrong. but i feel my wife is handling it the wrong way also. my wife has set the kids up as they could do anything wrong and get away with it. (or at least that is how i feel about it). i love my wife and step children, i want the best for them, but i feel that disapline for the children is a must. if they do what they want and never get in any real trouble, then that is the way they will live the rest of their lives

 

[fish master]

Originally Posted by sepulatian
http:///forum/post/2913256
You have been in their lives since they were quite young, correct? I am going to assume that you didn't marry your wife the day that you met her, so let's say at least six years. Has it always been this way? It seems a little odd that she is completely disregarding your thoughts and feelings on the matter. You certainly should have some input on discipline. The children reside with you and your wife. I can understand your wife's desire to discuss the matter with their father, he should absolutely have a say in it as well. Do you get along with the ex? As for this matter, you cannot change the punishment now. Your step-son already knows what it is. You can certainly talk to your wife about how this makes you feel though. Maybe give her a few days to calm down, but this should be discussed before another situation like this arises. You cannot continue to have your opinion completely disregarded. It isn't fair to you and gives the impression to the kids that what you think doesn't mater. That isn't right at all. You have to discuss it with her. If she is on the defense then remain as calm as you can, even if she starts yelling. She will think more about it later.
Personally, I make the punishment fit the crime. Unless he was caught doing something bad with one of his teams, I wouldn't pull his sports. It is a very positive thing in his life. I would, however, make him come straight home after and not be allowed to talk with his friends between games/practices. There is only so much that you can take away from a child before they feel that they have nothing left to lose. If you do that then the child feels that there is no reason to behave. Moderation and consistency are key when doling out punishments. I am not saying to let kids get away with anything, but take time to think before dishing it out. Is it something that you would have done at his age? Kids do some crazy stuff that is hard to comprehend at times. Remember that he is 12, not your age. Children need discipline as much as they need to know that you still love them and forgive them. Raising children is no easy task. I hope that you and your wife can work this out.
this is realy the only time we have had a disagreement. i get along with the dad great. i think he talks behind my back, from what ive learned, but when we are face to face he is like we are best friends. i cant realy say anything bad about him. imo he is jealous that i spend so much time with his kids that he doesnt, and i think hes afraid they are going to look at him different. i would never do that to him. their father will always be their father. i also have been married before with 2 children of my own, i cant be with them all the time either. my ex wife is remarried and i feel like if her husband is grounding my kids he is looking out for them when iam not there.

 

[sepulatian]

he just made a bad decision
Exactly. He will make many more bad decisions. He is 12, wait until next year. My son is 13. I work at the same middle school that my son attends. This past Friday I was told that my son was in a fight. That is not like him at all. I went to the room that he was in with an administrator. I asked what happened and my son told me that a kid had a sock (lunch room) that he kept spitting on. It wasn't regular spit, the kid was hocking lugies onto this thing. He had thrown it at another student, then picked it up and threw it at my son. My son turned around, the kid was at the table behind him, and hit him with three quick jabs to the head. He brought his arm back to full on hit the other child when a teacher grabbed his arm. My son stopped right there and walked to the AP's office on his own. My initial reaction was, "You couldn't think of a better way to handle this??" I don't condone fighting at all. However, he reacted quickly to slime hitting his arm. He wasn't thinking at the time but as soon as his arm was grabbed, he realized what he was doing. He got three days of ISS for that. It would normally be five days of OSS for hitting another student. When I talked to the AP and the behavioral specialist, they both said that they would have reacted the same way if it was them at that age. I still grounded him for a week. I took his phone and he is not allowed to go hang out with his friends, which is almost torture to him. This is just an example of how sometimes adolescents make very bad decisions. They will no matter what you do. I work in behavior management. Trust me when I say that if a child thinks that they have nothing to lose then they will no longer care how much trouble they get into. You have to pick your battles.

 

[crimzy]

Fish Master... ultimately it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks as you make your own decisions. But let me just give you my $.02 here.
First, I have some experience with extended families. I have a step mother, step father, 3 step brothers, 2 step sisters, 2 half sisters, 1 half brother and a natural brother. I've grown up with this type of situation since I was 5.
My opinion is this... YOU ARE NOT THE PARENT!!! Mom and dad make those types of decisions and you should either support your wife or keep your mouth shut. You should not be deciding on any discipline because you simply don't have the mutual bonds with the kids that parents have. Be his friend and support your wife. Don't try to make the decisions that a parent should make. You will only create tension with your wife and with your step son. JMO. Good luck.