Terrible day...

[siptang]

most of you know that I have lost my toddler son 3 months ago due to sudden unexpected death syndrome.
I was a mess well I still am but am trying my utmost best to move forward and be a pillar for my family.
My wife is very frail as most women are when it comes to traumatic experience (I know some are strong) as these and I have so far kept her away from the blunt forces of this...
She doesn't even know that he had to get an autopsy as a federal law. (I understand that there are many sick people in the world but I was appalled by this) Some of the disrespect that some authorities have shown, 1 medical person said "I bet once we open him up I bet you that there is alot of this fish food that we see here" I have thrown a fit almost killed that person, I'm pretty sure that that guy got fired but I didn't follow through because there was too much on my mind to push things through at the time. I arranged all the funeral arrangements, signed all the death certificate papers, notaries and it really was most traumatic experience that I have ever experienced in my life. I wanted to shield my wife as much as I can from this...
I have called medical examiner about a month ago because the guilt was overwhelming and I had to know if it was our fault that our boy had passed, maybe over dosage on a cough/cold medication or some kind of an infection or sickness that we didn't know about or anything like that... medical examiner assigned to my son explained everything to me and told me that it was suds and that there was nothing else that we could have done and that we should move on.
Well this morning, his assistant decides to call us in the bright early in the morning.
He gets my wife on the phone and asks for me to come on the other phone and tells everything.
That they performed the autopsy, (immediately makes my wife tear up)
They checked all the organs but wasn't able to find anything, nothing wrong with the nerves or anything.
Nothing was wrong and they are still puzzled and they ruled it as suds and that if I wanted the full report of the autopsy. (by this time my wife is crying)
This was 8 in the morning. Last night I slept at 4 because my pump decided to break and start leak the water. (had to clean up and replace everything in the middle of the night)
My day is numb, feel so dizzy, I'm worried that my wife is at home by herself and I can't believe that they would call when I asked them specifically to call my cellphone...
Sorry for the rant guys... it's just too much to bear for me today... I don't even have the strength to fake a smile to my customers today...
it's a terrible day... feels like I lost him all over again...

 

[meowzer]

Siptang...I am very sorry you are going thru this......a few years ago we lost our 1 month old grand son.....also to SIDS.....(2 years later we lost his father) His father is my step-son, and I grew very close to my daughter in law at the time of our grand sons death.....I was her rock I guess at a time when there were NO explanations......the autopsy was awful too....when Keaton came back to the funeral parlor, Windy insisted that she take him out of the casket....we did this privately..... she had to look at every mark they made on him...there was NO reasoning with her....
It was a very difficult time taking him away from her again, and placing him in the coffin......and the most difficult part is that there is NO REASON this happened......we did research to try to figure out SIDS.....there are no answers
My step son fell off the back of a 4-wheeler....banged his head....never regained consciousness and 13 days later, with all of us by his side, he was pronounced dead.....WHY......you will always ask...what could I have done differently? SIP....there are no answers....NOT gonna say it gets better with time.....BUT with time you manage it better.....sometimes just sit with your wife.....put your arm around her and be silent.....she will know that you are there.....words are not required.....there are NO words that can take this away....Just love each other, and be eachothers strength!!!!!!
Sorry for the long response.....

 

[mproctor4]

You are a wonderful husband for trying to protect your wife from this. I am guessing she is strong to have gotten thru this so far. Maybe once you get past the shock of the phone call you can focus on the information they gave you---there was nothing you could have done to prevent his passing. I can't begin to imagine what you have been through but I hope that it will give you a small amount comfort to know that.
Maybe once you have moved thru your grief a bit you should call the medical examiner and explain to them how devastating the phone call was. Most likely they thought they were being helpful but they still need to understand how devastating it can be and why they need to pay more attention to special requests, such as calling only your cell phone.
Your son was very blessed to have such an attentive and loving father in his short life. Cyber hugs and lots of prays coming to you and your wife.

 

[saltwaterdud3]

I too have lost loved ones, but I have never experienced the death of a child. My first child is on the way - and I worry about things like that every day. I can not imagine the way you feel right now. I can't believe that the medical examiner would be so hurtful and rude. I can tell you from experience though that life does move on - and while you should not completely put your past behind you, your memories of the events will soften in time. I wish the best to both you and your wife.

 

[spanko]

 

[beth]

What a horribly sad time for you. Nothing is worse than the loss of a child.
SIDS has long been a mystery, but there is some science theory developing about what causes it. When the time comes for you and your wife to move forward, and plan for a family, you will want to look at what info there is on SIDS.
It is natural for you as a husband to want to shield your loved one, protect your wife. Great comfort and closeness can come from sharing sorrow as well. You need each other to grieve together and sharing can be your greatest strength and a source of healing.
God bless your little one.

 

[1guydude]

Sorry man for the hard day! Im sure it wont be the last...as meowz said go home hug ur wife and just hold her! Very sad thing bro, the lost of a child. I cant even imagine! Sry for ur loss!
-devin

 

[flower]

You lost so much and you need time to heal. All friends can do is cry with you......I was crying as I read your post
I agree with Meowzer.....just hold each other, you don't need words.
{{{CYBER HUG}}}

 

[btldreef]

You are an amazing husband. The way I see you write about your wife and your son truly brings tears to my eyes. The world needs more men like you!
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby (still born) and it was absolutely heartbreaking, I can't imagine what you're going through. The most important thing is to grieve with your wife. I have to ask, because it really helped my husband and I, are you seeing a grievance counselor?
Just know that through all this sorrow, good will come, you will both be stronger. I wish you all the best. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[reefraff]

I feel for you but don't underestimate your wife's strength. It will be there for you when you need it.
God Bless.

 

[jerth6932]

Man...... as I have stated before, this is a very difficult thing! I tear up every time I think about your loss, as I have two little ones my self. I hope that releasing your thoughts on here brings a small amount of piece to you, as it did for me writeing about my wifes conditions. My heart and prayers are out with your family.

 

[kiefers]

Hi Richard. I am truly sorry for your bad day and wish you and your wife only the best. I want to say things that will attempt to make you feel better but I believe our friends here on SWF made it clear that we are here for you to vent on, thats alot of ears here.
As Joe stated once before, I use this because he put it so beautifully, God has a plan for your son. I agree with him. God takes away so abruptly and without explanation, it makes one wonder why and how can a merciful and loving God do this. He just does and with grace. I pray for you my friend for the strength you and your wife need. Hold each other, validate your commitment and devotion for one another, and love each other.
If anything sir, I believe the tank problem was merely a distraction from your stress. I am glad that you were able to fix the tank issue.

 

[darthtang aw]

No sarcasm this post.
Hold your wife, stay strong. No words...just caring affection and hugs and holds. I got nothing more to add. I don't know where I would be if in your shoes.
Things will get normal again...or as close to normal as one can expect.

 

[siptang]

Thank you so much guys for all the support. I feel like I'm undeserving since I'm a failed father who's filled with regrets, should haves, would haves and could haves. I failed my promise of keeping him safe and to protect him so I'm obviously overwhelmed by all the support.
I'm currently battling depression, balance work and finance and most importantly my family..
Meowser - Thank you, I'm terribly sorry for your loss as well. I actually did the same thing... I went there 2 hours prior to the funeral (and my wife) to help setup the funeral at my church and to see him come and I had to look and was devastated and it still haunts me. To lose 2 people like that... your family really must had it rough... I hope things are better for you guys now... You will never forget the memories and the love but hopefully pain dulls after a while.
mproctor4 - thank you, although I don't feel like I'm that great, I try. Makes me tear up reading you, Keith and Paidy's posts because that's exactly what I wanted. Thank you so much for the love and the cyber hugs.
SaltwaterDud3 - thank you so much for the kind words. Yea, people tell me that time will heal everything but like you said I don't think it will ever heal but soften up.
Spanko - Thanks for the flowers.
Beth - I remember hearing about it the day that my son was born but I honestly never really thought anything of it. I researched it thoroughly after this incident and have spoken to many experts. I don't think one can be ready for these types of things but I'm sure going to try with our next one. Thank you for the kind words and yes, we will hold onto each other because that's all we have left right now...
Flower - Thank you for crying with us. Last night we were talking and she fell asleep on my lap... she's been crying all day and I bet it was exhausting. I just sat there for 3 hours and then carried her upstairs to sleep. I have never really missed a day of work before but I think I need to take couple of days off so that I can be with my wife..
Btlreef - Thank you for the kind words, we used to go to grieve group therapy but due to my work schedule I couldn't attend any more... It did help alot though and I do post on facebook and such to vent and it does seem to help alot just talking about him, my bottled up feelings and hardships. Just never expected so much love.
I'm sorry to hear about your loss...My wife just went through a miscarriage because the stress was too great for her to handle she was two months pregnant when this happened..
I hope that you have had more little ones after that one. We are trying for another one but God seems to have different plan then us.
Reefraff - yea, you are absolutely right. I try not to. She's frail person but she's been my rock and support and hopefully I was for her as well. Before this incident, never knew I was this frail as well.
Jerth - Thanks again buddy. I know that you have alot on your plate as well and it really means alot to me that you are keeping us in your prayers. Hold those little ones tight for me tonight. It does help me alot to vent time to time. Members over here have been extremely helpful sending me pms with love and care. I really appreciate all of it.
Keith - Hey buddy. I try to understand and accept that God had a plan for all of this but it's a hard and bitter pill for me to swallow and i would be lying if I didn't and still do resent God time to time for all of this but I'm trying... I'm really trying. Maybe you are right, maybe tank was for distraction from God.
Darth - Thanks Darth, I appreciate your support and will do.
Thanks again guys for your support.

 

[teresaq]

Siptang, I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost a baby, though I wasn't very far along it was very hard. I cant even imagine what you are going thru though. We had been trying for 9 yrs and finally got pg thur IVF. After loosing that child, we went on to adopt 4 children. I guess that was our calling in life, to love children no one else wanted. I can say they are the biggest joy in my life.
Take care of your wife and yourself.
T much hugs to you

 

[flower]

Quote:
Originally Posted by TeresaQ http:///forum/thread/386987/terrible-day#post_3402071
Siptang, I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost a baby, though I wasn't very far along it was very hard. I cant even imagine what you are going thru though. We had been trying for 9 yrs and finally got pg thur IVF. After loosing that child, we went on to adopt 4 children. I guess that was our calling in life, to love children no one else wanted. I can say they are the biggest joy in my life.
Take care of your wife and yourself.
T much hugs to you
A big huge hug to you too...What a wonderful person you are, such generosity. {{{HUG}}}

 

[ironeagle2006]

Sip google Promise for Ethan it is a support group for Sids/Suds it is about a friend of mine that lost her son to SIDS and what she is doing about it. She is bound nd determined to find out WTH causes it and how to stopanother family from going thru another case of it. A

 

[siptang]

Teresa- I agree with with Flower, you have a beautiful heart and such a generosity. I don't know if I can ever do as much as you. Thank you so much for your support.
Ironeagle - I actually did check that site couple of months ago. Like Ethan's dad, I was determined to find out what the hell happened.... in the end, there's still nothing but despair..
Thank you everyone once again for all the support. It does really make me feel alot better venting out and I appreciate you taking time out of your day to read this and sending words of comfort and love.
Richard.