who would divorce?

[deejeff0442]

Ok.been married 13 yrs.its to the point we have no kids.we have alot of animals that drive me nuts.my wife loves the animals way more then me imo.i am 2nd to them.4 horses. 6 dogs and alot of chickens and ducks.i am constantly building and repairing things for these animals.as far as i am concerned the horses are expensive .destructive and useless.really 6 dogs? 8 have been building a huge 1100 sq ft barn for the horses.in the mean while i have not one hobby.no fish tank which i have been doing for 30 yrs and working out.no time been training just as long.yet she still complains at everything i do.for the most part she is a good women but she has a seriously mental problem with these animals.i am just tired.i am 45 yrs old got all my hair lol barely any grey and in some seriously good shape.6 pack and built.sure wouldnt be a problem finding a new friend. Just after being with her 17 yrs when do i give up?

 

[novahobbies]

Very tough question, and the only one who can really answer it.....is you. But for my part, I would just ask you one question: are you still in love? You need to figure that out before you move forward. Your description of her behaviour makes me think that she's missing something in her life, and she's trying to fill that void with her animals. Maybe it's the lack of kids, or something she feels like she's not getting from you, or work, or who knows what else, but it could be that those animals are her way of coping with something that's really upsetting her.

Bottom line is this. I can't tell you what to do...but I can tell you what *I* would do in that situation. I've also been married 13 years, and we have no kids. If Michelle was acting that way towards me, I would seek marriage counseling for the both of us. If Michelle wouldn't go with me, I would go by myself for a few sessions and try to convince her to come later. I would work pretty hard to keep that relationship going.....but, as I said, we're all different. We've been through some great times and some really rough times, the Wife and I, but I know when I look in the mirror that the guy staring back is still crazy in love.

If you -- or she -- comes to the point where one of you is saying, "I'm just not in love with you at all any longer," then maybe it's time to part ways. Even then, though, I would be careful. Our emotions sometimes lead us to make snap decisions, and if there's even a tiny bit of love left, it's worth fighting for. Even the dimmest candle flame can flare up again if you work at it.

There. That's my 2 cents...for what it's worth. It's a rough thing to deal with, buddy, and the best I can say is that I am really sorry you're in this spot right now. I hope it gets better soon.

 

[snakeblitz33]

Jeff, you know I have had my share of marriage problems. I have only been with the same woman nine years now, but we have had our differences. It sounds like yall need to have a serious conversation about the animals. Tell her how you feel about having to take care of them and ask her to downsize. I would try to talk it out first if you haven't already.

You have a lot of time and money invested in your house and property. Think about having to start over? How bad would it have to be if you had to sell out of half your stuff and try to get established yet again in life? Heck, I think about that quite often myself.

If you need to talk to me, you got my number.

 

[pegasus]

I agree with what novahobbies said... you have to ask yourself... and her, too... if you two are still in love. Life has a way of changing people, especially when they have kids that grow up and leave home. Suddenly, it's just you and her... something you haven't experienced in many years. You basically don't know how to act, as the common ground that your lives revolved around (the kids) is no longer there. You get caught up in the day to day aspect of tending to your children, that you tend to forget how to act towards each other. Perhaps her animals are a way of dealing with empty nest syndrome. A lot of women go through a period of depression once the kids are gone, and these animals could very well be her "substitute kids". Heck, I even got a couple of dogs after my three kids were grown and left home. It's nice to have companions to fill the gap. Then again, she was your companion before the kids came along. Old flames can be rekindled... if there's still a spark left in the relationship. If you two have grown too far apart and are living separate lives, it can be far more difficult to salvage. This is where you have to ask... is it worth it? If you still love her, truly love her... and vice versa... you'll find a way to work it out. Love always finds a way.

 

[flower]

Animal hording is indeed a real disorder. You should seek professional help for her. Most animal hording goes unnoticed until the animals become so overwhelming in number, they are no longer properly cared for. Then they become sick, or malnourished, and animal control steps in. You don't want it to reach that point.

Now as far as your question... True indeed only YOU can make that call, you have to decide if you want to fight and get things back on track, or give up and toss in the towel. Please believe me, there are no perfect people, everyone has flaws. You may think this wife is bad... let me tell you, you could do a lot worse. Being good looking is no guarantee you will find a nice person to spend your life with. In the dating world....you have to sift through the loonies (Bi-Polar), the abusers, the alcoholics, the cheaters, the diseased, the dirty pig sty house keepers, the black widows, and the gold diggers. Also imagine any one of the aforementioned as a mom...

I don't believe in fairy tale love. The spark rises quickly and then dies down. Most old married couples are stick in the muds. They just got and stayed comfortable with each other. Your spouse knows you better then anyone in the world, the good and the bad. One thing Pegasus said that is very true...love will find a way.

 

[deejeff0442]

The animals are well taken care of.she is at work today and texted me why i have been so weird the last few days.i am now thinking its me .i have been depressed lately.my work is so slow because the weather has been terrible for the last 2 months.i need to get busy.i am in such a better mood when work is going.thanks everyone for the support.just one of those bad bumps in the road.

 

[snakeblitz33]

I've had bad bumps in the road the last two months too, my friend. I'm glad that you realize that it might just be a phase. I go through them too when I get depressed and anxious.

I would still have a talk with her and narrow down the animals.

 

[beth]

If the animal accumulation is pretty much her doing and not your desire, I'll ask a rhetorical question that you can answer for yourself....why have you enabled this? I agree with Flower, if this is a hording situation then the problem is a real big one indeed. If you have never sat down with your spouse to put your foot down with the animals, then now is the time to do so, and let her know it is jeapordoding the marriage. If its impossible for her to stop with the animals, and maybe find new homes for some of the barn/farm animals at least, then I think you do have a problem with hording going on in your family. However, how much responsibility do you have with this? Have you been saying yes to acquiring these animals, at least partially? Have you been grudgingly silent over the years and not letting your feelings known? Again rhetorical questions for you to assess for yourself. Rarely such matters in relationships are totally one-sided.

If you have considered leaving, then there is a big problem and its time to open up about it instead of just silently begrudging things in your marriage. With all those animals, you should have been allowed your own tank at least.

 

[deejeff0442]

I dont have a tank because i dont have a house.been living i a 38 foot rv for 2 yrs.we are building a house behind it.yea its been taking longer than i told her which is another issue being my fault slacking.actually we are down to 4 horses .i got her to get rid of 2 donkeys another pony and a goat.one issue i have and been very vocal about it is 6 dogs here.they have no discipline when she is around.like wild animals.they dont even blink when she aint around.but the last talk we had about them she is making an effort to get on them .aint working all that great but she finally is trying.really i think most of the problem is being stuck in this tin can so long.i am going to try hard to be in this house before winter.i know we will both be alot happier then.plus i am building the house with cash as i make it.so we are sucking it up but it is also getting old.i figure once we are in money wont be such an issue since we wont have a mortgage. Just hope either one of us snaps before then

 

[beth]

Sounds like you have a lot signally on your plate with animal care, building animal enclosures and building a house. Sounds like you don't have much left to do with the house and it might be worthwhile to take out a small loan (or use cash reserves ) to hire help to finish things up by June or before. I can't imagine it would take too much money since you're so close to the finish line.

 

[deejeff0442]

Well been trying to be alot nicer lately.i keep working on a horse barn for the wife.in the last 3 weeks i have gotten it almost done.yet not once have i even gotten one thank you for all the money of mine i spent and hard work.kinda been a test and she failed.at this point i feel used.i think we are done.i need a couple months of work and just bite my lip and i think i can get a rent house.there is nothing for me here .i just dont understand her mind? By the time we get a divorce she will be left with no animals.lose the land.tea we will sell it and make some money on it but in the long run i dont see her being able to afford anywhere she can have all these animals. She will probably wind up having to move back to her mothers in new york.i treat her good and do all i can to make her happy.never seems enough. I have no hobbies because of her animals. I was a bodybuilder my whole life 200 pounds and lean. Now from all the stress maybe 180 and havnt been to the gym in 4 months.i am so tired and lost.thanks everyone for listening

 

[flower]

Well been trying to be alot nicer lately.i keep working on a horse barn for the wife.in the last 3 weeks i have gotten it almost done.yet not once have i even gotten one thank you for all the money of mine i spent and hard work.kinda been a test and she failed.at this point i feel used.i think we are done.i need a couple months of work and just bite my lip and i think i can get a rent house.there is nothing for me here .i just dont understand her mind? By the time we get a divorce she will be left with no animals.lose the land.tea we will sell it and make some money on it but in the long run i dont see her being able to afford anywhere she can have all these animals. She will probably wind up having to move back to her mothers in new york.i treat her good and do all i can to make her happy.never seems enough. I have no hobbies because of her animals. I was a bodybuilder my whole life 200 pounds and lean. Now from all the stress maybe 180 and havnt been to the gym in 4 months.i am so tired and lost.thanks everyone for listening

Wives don't thank their husbands until the work is completed, then they make a big affair of all the hard work you put in...Telling you how good it looks and all the hard work you put in. Kind of a women are from Venus, and men are from Mars kind of thing. Do you thank your wife every time she does the dishes or the laundry, do you get choked up and grateful because she mopped the floor? Husbands and wives do take each other for granted as the years go by, if she is belly aching at you...Do what my hubby did....speak over her and say what you want to hear her to say...Nice and loud..."Thank you honey, you worked so hard on the barn, you must be tired let me rub your back"

I do see one thing really troubling... YOUR money...really? Since she doesn't work outside the home, then all the money you make at your job is just YOUR money. You are the one that is enabling her to get so many animals, you are the one building the barn for them. Only YOU can just say no. Are you silently stewing, or have you at least tried to sit her down and talk to her? If not, it's time to put your big ole bodybuilding big boy pants on, and have a serious pow wow with your wife. She probably thinks you like the critters as much as she does.

She has been getting these critters for years...it's just now it's bothering you? Do you really think she is going to shrivel up and die because you left her? Your post sounds like you have her misery all worked out. What are you going to do if she bounces and doesn't fall apart without you? What are you going to do when she demands that you continue to pay her way...alimony. Divorce is an ugly messy thing my friend, and it seldom ends with her being penniless and you skipping off to find a better wife. If that's what you think, you are dreaming up a fantasy.


Instead of biting your lip for a couple of months to plan your escape, maybe you should suggest some marriage counseling. She failed your test...really????

 

[deejeff0442]

I have done just about everything you posted.yes i do thank her .actually i do the dishes and cook probably more then her.i thank her when she cooks something and hands it to me.i have said a few times it would be nice to get a thank you for building or fixing something .the last animal was a great dane she never asked to bring home.there would be no alimony. She makes about the same i do.i dont wish her to fall apart.she is a good person but ungrateful for all i do.thank me after something is totally done? This is a huge 1100 sq ft barn with a ton of doors and windows covered with wood.its not a week long project.its been getting worked on for almost 8 months.just a bit ago out of the blue she asked if i am going with her couple friend fo ice cream or something.literally 3 minutes before she was leaving to meet them.

 

[snakeblitz33]

That's ok man. I worked my butt off installing the sewer and water on my new trailer and I got a small peck on the cheek and an "I'm really tired."

I understand where you are coming from though. Be sure that it's not just a phase though. Anything that you do or don't do at this point can be held against you in court.

I suggest starting to gather documentation of your assets, and put some cash aside. Start your own checking and savings account as soon as you can and anything that you bought that you seem valuable or sentimental, start stashing away. Meet/retain with a lawyer first and then notify your wife. I would have a place to go to the same day you tell her so that you don't have to stick around.

It's a bump in the road but I'm pretty sure that you can get over it and get your old hobbies back and start working out again. I've heard that breakups and divorce does do some strange things to people's bodies,... Lol

 

[flower]

I have done just about everything you posted.yes i do thank her .actually i do the dishes and cook probably more then her.i thank her when she cooks something and hands it to me.i have said a few times it would be nice to get a thank you for building or fixing something .the last animal was a great dane she never asked to bring home.there would be no alimony. She makes about the same i do.i dont wish her to fall apart.she is a good person but ungrateful for all i do.thank me after something is totally done? This is a huge 1100 sq ft barn with a ton of doors and windows covered with wood.its not a week long project.its been getting worked on for almost 8 months.just a bit ago out of the blue she asked if i am going with her couple friend fo ice cream or something.literally 3 minutes before she was leaving to meet them.

Oh Sweetie,

Wives just don't appreciate things sometimes until the project is completed, that's all I meant. The money thing kind of hit a cord with me, so I went off and vented a bit. Not me, but my best friend...her husband always hangs his money over her head because he is the bread winner. I always made a better income then my late husband.

LOL...Yes you do want her to fall apart if you leave, that's just human nature.

Only you can decide if your marriage is worth saving. Only you can decide if feel you would be better off without her. Only you can insist that no more shelters will be set up for critters. Frankly if she didn't ask permission to bring in another dog, then you wouldn't need permission to rehome it. That's exactly the way I would put it when she noticed the animal was gone.

I do think you should have a serious sit down and explain how you are feeling, she may not realize just how fed up you are. Snakeblitzs suggestions are good ones, do get a lawyer and have a place to go. However getting your own account BEFORE you split is not wise, you are married. Any asset will be frozen and hiding money in a bank account will not help. Don't set up a new account until after you split. You can take at least half out of the accounts you have, get cash and keep that, but don't put it in another account....most find somebody they can trust and put the money in their name, but if you get caught doing that it will also go against you in court.

{{{HUG}}} Sorry for all the troubles you are going through, and I hope you find a way to be happy.

 

[jay0705]

Ok this scenario sounds much too familiar lol. Only reversed, Iam getting married in may. My future wife is a saint. I'am a big animal guy. I have 11 chinchillas, 12 bunnies, 3 rats. Together we have 4 dogs and 7 cats. The bunnies weren't planned lol I only wanted 2. But the term they do it like rabbits I now see the why!!!! I also have 6 fish tanks. 3 sw ,3 fw. Now the tanks will prob be reduced to upgrading size. Now I'am aware I made these choices so I mostly take care of the critters. She does help but she has other responsibilities The fact she allows me to keep my furry friends is amazing. But thats also why were such a good match. Plus her being a clean freak keeps me from going full hoarder lol. Won't let me get a pot belly pig tho!!!!!. Basically jeff life is alot of choices, and in your case she may not realize just how good she has it.

 

[deejeff0442]

I think thats it .she dont realize how good she has it.saturday i went to a funeral of a good friend of both of ours .she went shopping all day with her friend.now that being said our friend passed about 6 weeks ago and they just got to the memorial and i forgot about the date untill 11am that day and it was at 2pm.but i called her at 11 and she said she might be home in time but got home at 5pm.i dont know seems i take care of these animals alot more than she does.a few weeks ago she came home with almost 60 baby chickens.she planned to sell them.well i cleaned and fed them mostly.plus i sold half of them .no thank you for that either.just a fricken thank you would really go a long way.even today i just got home from work now i have to feed and water the pigs chickens geese and ducks.i dont mind doing it but in the last 3 weeks i bet she has done it maybe 4 times.now tomorrow i am going to go pick up 36 feet of gutter for the horse barn and put it on.surely now for a thank you .just to get this thing done.

 

[jay0705]

Now that is bs. Not just the lack of appreciation,but the lack of responsibility

 

[deejeff0442]

Well my work has been slow i have had plenty of time on my hands.but its about to pick up and i will be working 7 days a week soon .then when i get home from work i will be building my house.not to say i will let the animals starve but my priorities will be different and she better start taking care of them.hell she only works 3 days a week in the health care field.yet we have an old friend around the corner who had a stroke.she goes over there 2 or 3 times a week and visits for a few hours.he gets more lovin than i do.

 

[jay0705]

Ha ha ha lol women are weird creatures buddy. Especially ny women lol