deejeff0442
Active Member
In the great words of ron white i would be gay if it weren't for the sex lol
who would divorce?
- Thread starter deejeff0442
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deejeff0442
Active Member
We had this talk back in January. It went better until a few weeks ago i realized i have been doing alot more and her alot less.flower i do not want her to suffer but the reality is if i leave .we sell our property.she cant afford animals and a place to live.i would feel bad about that but at the same time should i keep dealing with all of this or at some point i need to be happy .
Harsh reality: Your are the enabler. Not an unusual place to be for a spouse; but the first step to ending all that you are complaining about is to simply not do the things you resent doing. Let her build the barn (or pay to have someone else build it), take care of the dog pack, etc. You will take responsibility for any animals you've acquired, or that you feel is "yours or ours". Tell her that is how it is going to be. PERIOD. If you can't do that but continue with this situation, then you will continue as the Enabler. Have you told her that the marriage is now on the line?? If not, then be honest and upfront and lay it all out. If you have already done all of the above, then, yeah, its time for a different direction in life. Being permanently miserable is not an option.
I'm going to agree that endings don't always result in spouses hoping that the other suffer or exp ill effects due to the break up, but a lot of the time they do. Many breakups are not exactly mutually agreeable, or spouses hate each other more than love each other, so you get the wishing the worst for the other scenario.
I'm going to agree that endings don't always result in spouses hoping that the other suffer or exp ill effects due to the break up, but a lot of the time they do. Many breakups are not exactly mutually agreeable, or spouses hate each other more than love each other, so you get the wishing the worst for the other scenario.
darthtang aw
Active Member
Get a mistress.
jay0705
Well-Known Member
Ha ha nice
deejeff0442
Active Member
Dont think it hasn't crossed my mind.
deejeff0442
Active Member
Well.been trying to hang in there and it isnt any better.i brought up the i feed the animals thing.she fed them 3 days in a row now for the last 7 days again its been me.now this morning she went with a friend to a junk sale with her friend.over 2 hr ride each way.i am not feeding the animals today.the other day she wanted big round bales of hay.1 for us and 3 for her old friend neighbor. At this point the neighbor i feel is taking advantage of her.he had a stroke and cant do much so his dingy wife came over.i got stuck dealing with this for 3 hours . dropping 3 bales at thier place and one here.for horses i could care less about.i am just so tired and stressed .i keep saying things to here and it seems i am obligated to do this stuff.i have no life at this point
flower
Well-Known Member
As long as I was willing to do the work, my husband allowed me to do it. I worked a full time physical job, cared for the children, cooked, cleaned, cut the lawn, cleared the snow, washed the cars, and anything that I couldn't do...paid somebody to do. My husband in the early years, went to work for 6 months, then would be unemployed and collect unemployment benefits until it ran out, then would get another menial job. All he had to do to get fired, would be to come to work late, miss days or just be loud to the boss. While I did everything including paid a sitter while he stayed home, because he would nap and the children were too little to be neglected...The who does all the work kind of power struggle usually happens in young marriages.
The following is not how to save your marriage, it's how to deal with pure laziness...because of Dan's earlier days I am an expert at this, but you can't do it if it's children...pets or chores yes:
Next time the misses says she is leaving, before chores...1st remind her she has critters depending on her (it's HER hobby not yours)...tell her you are leaving too, and then go to the gym and work out like YOU like to do. Don't feed the animals, they won't die for the day, and if she does allow them to go hungry and she refuses to care for them...feed them, and then sell or give them away. Go ahead and care for them, it isn't their fault she is lazy. Then get rid of them...as pet #1 is going, she will see you mean business.
Will it cause a huge fight...YES. Stay calm and explain that you have other things you want out of life instead of caring for creatures she wants as pets. There are just too many of them. From then on, if SHE takes care of them, fine, if not, get rid of them. If she leaves you over this, you didn't want to live like this anyway. If the wife wants to do charity work, great, she can't volunteer YOU, if SHE wants to help by getting hay bales, let her. will she dare call YOU lazy...yes, just laugh and let the insults roll off your back. She will have a fit and have lots to say because she is used to you bending to do her will.
Dan and I had a rocky marriage for the first 12 years until I got just plain tired of it...I left...he wanted me back. We were married 33 years before he died, I was the one who volunteered him, I agreed to not do that, and he would do the things he should be doing as part of household. The last 18 years were the best, the 3 years in between were the power struggles, the first 12 years, I was the door mat allowing it.
deejeff0442
Active Member
Thanks flower.it a weird thing.my wife isnt lazy.she takes.care of the horses like crazy.i am thinking because she knows i wont but i will for the pigs and birds.she still isnt home yet its 5pm and i didnt feed the birds.i have built so much here.a 1100 sq ft horse barn.5 coops.a ton of fence and so on.my lord i could have had the house done by now.just seems to me she goes and plays .i work and build stuff and fix stuff yet when i complain i am the bad guy.i mean i dont just do little things i do huge projects.one drawback of knowing how to do so much.i can literally build a whole house except for hvac.i can weld and i am just about an expert mechanic.that being said she know i can do anything or figure it out.but i just have no life anymore.i like animals but i am not an animal nut.i miss playing my piano and going to the gym.
deejeff0442
Active Member
Thats just it.we had a talk in January. About to call it quits then.for some reason she thinks i will leave and she will stay here and go on with the animals.i have put thousands of hours of work and alot of money in this property. I aint just walking away.we owe maybe 40k on the land and it will sell for 100k.i dont mind selling it .paying off the loan and splitting the profit.but i sure am not walking away.that means she will have to find bomes for all the animals.sad part is what she takes for granted in the end she wont have any animals.yet i keep being the tird for all i do
flower
Well-Known Member
At some point, you have to quit talking and put a plan into action. You don't have to leave, just start living your life the way you want to. Go to the gym, play your piano...spend some time for yourself. Let her take care of her animals, if she can't make a cage, barn whatever to confine them...let her pay for somebody to do it because you are too busy and no longer want to do it. It really isn't hard, but as long as your willing to be the door mat, nothing is going to change. Just because you CAN do/make things, does not mean you have to. Put your tongue to the roof of your mouth, just above the top gum line of your teeth, and say "NO"
deejeff0442
Active Member
Well had a talk yesterday. This about sums it up.i said i have been killing myself to get this horse barn done the last few weeks.she actually said this.well it should have been done a year ago.at that point i just shut up and made up with her kinda.only to keep peace.i cant just move out i need to get some ducks in line which will take a couple months.i of course talk to friends and i have a few that said i can move in with them if need be.but i would rather not.looking at rent houses and they are pretty affordable around here.i plan to just keep my mouth shut untill i can save up some cash which shouldnt be long since my busy season is about to start.i guess i have just been hanging in there because we have been together so long but.i see now its not going to change.gunna be a tough few months coming up
deejeff0442
Active Member
Really wouldnt be alimony.she makes as much as me .she has a crap job but i own a construction company and do mostly homeowner work.not much on the books.i have decided yesterday after the last talk i wont be a p.o.s. ranch hand here.after this talk it isnt going to change.who would just keep doing all of this work and never see a return not even a thank you.so like i said just bite my lip untill i can move.she isnt a bad person .just has some serious issues with animal hording that seems isnt going to change.i figure i will pay our land and a few bills for her for a while and not just leave high and dry.
flower
Well-Known Member
{{{HUG}}} It's a tuff thing to have to go through, at least you now have a plan. You can legally separate, that way your money will be freed up when it's time to check out. Getting everything in order so you have a smooth transition is very wise...
flower
Well-Known Member
Hay there! Where have you been?