Is it natural for people to spend their lives committed to just one partner?

[crimzy]

I wanted to start this thread as it is something that I often wonder in the context of my own personal life. Culture and tradition teach us that the ideal is to marry a single partner, to whom we will be committed to for our entire lives... or is it inherent in our nature to seek out this life sentence (errr... I mean partner). What if it was the norm in our culture to be like Hugh Hefner or Larry King and get married every 5-10 years?

For this discussion, I would initially argue that a single relationship is the best environment under which to raise children to adulthood. However, as I am a single dad, that option is pretty much out the window for me. Since I've been single, I keep getting into relationships with these women who are dying to get married and, eventually, I realize that each of those situations is not the life that I want to commit to having forever.

I look around at the married couples I know... only a couple of them seem truly happy and in love after a few years. The rest seem to be along the spectrum of simply tolerating that partner to an unspoken dislike of him/her. I would ask the question of whether you actually like (much less love) your partner, but I think I'd just get the contrived, BS answer that you are suppposed to give, and not the truth that many people honestly just don't like who they are with but don't want to rock the boat.
This is a semi-socialogical question but I also want to see perspectives to use in my own life. I have an amazing, seemingly complete life with my daughters, career, friends, and my relationship du jour. Now I'm considering cutting loose my current gf but then I think to myself, "Why am I doing this again? What am I looking for?" BTW, if you know her, please don't mention this...

Anyway, just some random thoughts... feel free to jump in here...

 

[reefraff]

If you find the right person one partner seems to be the norm. I have a brother who has one ex live in GF and 3 ex wives. All that by the time he was in his early 30's. When he was 34 or so he hooked up with a girl he knew in High School. After living together for about 15 years they got married and have been together for like 28 years now.
I am a FIRM believer in pre marital cohabitation. I also have an ex wife. You never really know someone until you've lived with them 24/7.

 

[flower]

Hi Crimzy,
I was married 12 years, then because my beloved had drug addiction issues, I divorced him. We were both partiers in the beginning, and were equally yoked...but when we started having children, I stopped but he continued. We were actually divorced but he lived with us...he was the care giver while I worked and it was just convenient that way. He stayed and was part of the household.
This went on for 3 years, neither of us dated another, we remarried and were together 31 more years...things were good and we raised our 3 children to adulthood. Year 32 he started back with the drinking and drugs, I divorced him again and he went to his family in Tennessee to dry out and get straight. He returned one year later, and not wanting to jump right back into the marriage too soon and wanting to be sure he was indeed cleaned up (divorce was the only thing that made him hit bottom and stop) I was his girlfriend...He died Nov 1 2010 in his sleep. We had spent that weekend together, I have yet to date another man.
Real love is not the crazy head over heels, heart throbbing that the TV makes it sound like. Real love is the ability to feel safe and secure with another person and willing to work out the kinks, since we all have our issues, nobody is perfect. Yes it is a lot of toleration of each other, but yet who else could accept you for who you are and keep going? Only someone who really loves you would. You also have to care enough for the other person in the same way. Being able to take the good and the bad of that person is the acid test.
Most of us choose a certain pattern for a mate. If somebody has an attraction for the wrong kind of person, it can't ever work. Those who choose the abusers, the cheaters and such, somehow always seem to find the next potential mate does the same thing to them. Breaking the cycle has and can be done, but it isn't easy since that is somehow what attracts them to that kind of person.
If you always do the same things, you will always get the same results. I found my soul-mate, we were flawed but it wasn't something we couldn't work out...in our own dysfunctional way. You have a hard road in this day and age being young and seeking companionship. After you weed out the cheaters, abusers, drug addicts, mentally and physically sick and alcoholics, there isn't much else left. Now you have extra baggage to boot with having children, a ready made family has it's challenges as well. whoever you find must love the children as well.
It's really tough. I think you might be better off just dealing with life and make friends with the opposite sex instead of looking for a commitment and life partner. Should you find someone you genuinely feel you can care about through thick and thin...maybe you would have a shot at a successful relationship that goes a bit deeper. I have heard many people tell me that they they found love when the quit looking for it.
As for the "American culture" ...LOL...we are a melting pot of different cultures all mixed together. The me generation doesn't want any hassles, they flee at the first sign of trouble and are unwilling to work out those kinks that we all have. Divorce and living together are the norm. Long standing marriages/relationships are looked upon with awe and disbelief.

 

[snakeblitz33]

I love my wife but sometimes i want to strangle her. We have been married for four years and been together seven. We seem to always work out the kinks, and sometimes those kinks are knotted up very tight! Now, i may not be in a really long term relationship yet, but i am committed.
I dont think it is common for people these days to raise a kid together anymore. It seems like broken households are the norm. Whether that is good or bad is still undetermined for me.
I have thought about divorce three times. In each time we actually came closer together.

 

[crimzy]

Interesting perspectives. Snake, my situation was a lot like yours before we called it quits. Married about 5 years, was with her almost 10.
My question to each of you is this... I'm sure everyone has thought of whether life would (or would have flower) been better without having to tolerate someone who you may want to see hit by a bus sometimes... but something kept you in it, working on it. What if it wasn't worth the work? What if it truly would be a better life without the added stress?
I, for one, am not looking for the love of my life because I already have that in my daughters. I end up in relationships because that's just how things always seem to progress. But when push comes to shove, I don't want to disrupt what I have. Having a family already, I'm just not sure that marriage is really necessary or would make my life better...

 

[flower]

LOL..in the letters of the Apostles AKA the "new testament" Paul writes that life would be easier if you can live it without the added stress of a spouse. He also said it was few who could do that. Is it worth it??? I have no idea, but if I could do things over I would sure change some of my decisions. I have made my mistakes. I had great lows and fantastic highs with Dan at my side....34 years, I'm glad to have had him in my life.
I know my life would be very empty without the children, and the grandchildren really make it worth every bit of everything I ever suffered through. Make no mistake, the kids really meant heartbreak when they hit the teens, and that's a road all with children will have to travel...good luck. I read once grandchildren are our rewards for not killing our teenagers...no more truthful words were ever spoken. We really enjoyed those grandbabies!
Nobody is in charge of your happiness but yourself, life is what you make it. There will come a time when (if we live long enough)...we will grow older, and the kids will find someone they believe they love to make their lives with, and leave you. My life is full with religion, I love the synagogue and being a part of that. Some volunteer for different meaningful things that is important to them. I know you can't wrap your life completely in the children, you will have to let them go some day. They will only come back to visit, and you won't be the most important person in their lives anymore. So find something in life for yourself.
You only get one go around in life, so whatever your course....make it worth it. The daily little things you do add up over the years. If you can make each day count toward some good, imagine what you can accomplish in a lifetime.

 

[reefraff]

With my first wife I mistook the realization that that she probably really wasn't looking for the same things in life that I was as pre wedding cold feet and married her anyway. My little sister who hadn't even had a boyfriend at the time was the first to point out some stuff to me about the way me and the wife interacted. I knew it was doomed when when we were discussing money and I tried to explain it to her. I said "I'm 31, not 21, I have different priorities. If I pay all the bills and there $100.00 bucks extra left over and I know I have to replace the tires on the car in the next month or two and there's a Van Halen concert I can get tickets for 90 bucks I wont be going to the concert". You would have thought I told her I was cheating on her. She didn't want to grow up. Right as we decided to split up she came up pregnant. She expected me to keep supporting her while she was pregnant. We had just gotten a settlement from a car wreck she was in. She was going to try to keep the money which was just 6600 bux but I forced her to pay the vehicle off she was driving and the credit card so all she had to pay was rent and utilities. She had about 1500.00 left over from the settlement and managed to blow that less than 2 months after we split, AND I PAID THE RENT AND UTILITIES THE FIRST MONTH WE WERE SPLIT! Anyway about 6 weeks after we split up she miscarried and as a result of me helping her through that we got back together. It was good, no more fights or arguments. It took a couple months to figure out it was because neither of us cared anymore and we ended up getting divorced. I guess getting back together was good because we split on friendly terms.
With the current wife it's been easy. We agree on most everything and she defers to me on financial matters. When we met she was a single mom (so was first wife) and she thought I was some kind of financial wizard because within 6 weeks of moving in with her I had got her finances mostly corrected for her. Now I am good with money but I wasn't trying to support a kid either. What sealed the deal for us is when we were dating she had a list of stuff to do one Saturday. One item was take the kid for shoes. I ended up taking him for her. We hit wally world and they had a buy one pair get one free deal for 19.99. So we show up home with 2 pairs of shoes and when she asked what she owed me I told her it was a 2 for 1 deal and not to worry about it. I didn't think anything about but but later she told me she sat up that night looking at shoe boxes blubbering cause I bought her son shoes. (Pains me on the money I blew on fine meals and liquor trying to woo women)
The thing is we were both looking for the same thing in life. Save a little dough, buy a house and all that fun stuff. We've had very few disagreements in going on 18 years. Even when it comes to our now grown son and his dismal performance in the area of finances. I finally said "As far as I am concerned it's time to let him hit bottom". She said she agreed 100 percent. I expected to have to sell her on the idea. Like I said we are on the same page.
One thing you never know is how your spouse will act when the chips are down. Back in 2000 I was nearly killed in a car wreck. They life flighted me from Montana to Seattle. She didn't leave my side for 5 weeks while I was in the hospital. Then they moved me to a rehab place there for another 4 months and she would make a trip or two a month to come see me until I was moved back to Montana. She's never bitched about having to do most of the stuff around the house or the fact we don't go out amongst them very often because my injuries make it hard for me to get around much or even sit comfortably. But I am sending her and her best friend to Vegas for her 50th Birthday for a long weekend of depravity and Mayhem.

 

[beth]

Humans have thousands of years of history in life-long relationships, mostly because it was necessary for survival. That changed in the 20th century when the options that men have always enjoyed where opened up to women. People don't marry for convenience or tradition or religion anymore, they marry for love. So, staying "in-love" is motivation for staying married, not raising children, or fulfilling responsibilities. This changed everything for human relationships.
Personally, being involved in a life-long commitment was not attainable for me, and, frankly, not particularly desired either. I can honestly say that I have never met someone who I want to "spend the rest of life with". I've been married, but probably won't ever marry again. Its just not so appealing to me. I've been in long term relationships, but when it starts to drift into mundane, I'm ok with letting go. I am the one that starts to feel panic when the conversation turns to marriage. I accepted who I am in this regard a long time ago. I won't lead someone on, and I'm not inclined to play house to test drive a relationship just to see what happens. If something deeper develops, then you just want to go with it, I feel, without all the clinging, nagging, expectations, pretenses, and the trappings of what we think is expected of us.
My friends and family say I'm abnormal, but I seem happier and more together then any of them. LOL

 

[crimzy]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beth http:///t/393879/is-it-natural-for-people-to-spend-their-lives-committed-to-just-one-partner#post_3505341
Personally, being involved in a life-long commitment was not attainable for me, and, frankly, not particularly desired either. I can honestly say that I have never met someone who I want to "spend the rest of life with". I've been married, but probably won't ever marry again. Its just not so appealing to me. I've been in long term relationships, but when it starts to drift into mundane, I'm ok with letting go. I am the one that starts to feel panic when the conversation turns to marriage. I accepted who I am in this regard a long time ago. I won't lead someone on, and I'm not inclined to play house to test drive a relationship just to see what happens. If something deeper develops, then you just want to go with it, I feel, without all the clinging, nagging, expectations, pretenses, and the trappings of what we think is expected of us.
My friends and family say I'm abnormal, but I seem happier and more together then any of them. LOL
I can relate to this perspective 100%.

 

[reefraff]

I am going to assume you are in your mid 30's. Bad age to be single. There are a lot of biological clocks ticking in that age range. Just have fun and if "the one" walks into your life so be it.

 

[crimzy]

It's pretty funny that you say that. I am 36 and have found women in their 30's to be in full crisis mode to get married and have babies. But they are also very sexy and generally pretty fun at that age. In some ways this is the best time to be single.

 

[beth]

Women are going to feel the pinch to get married and have kids already in that age-group because the clock is ticking pretty fast by then. You have had your kids, so the urgency in that regard is sated for you, and may never again be rekindled. You may need to look in a different direction, such as a women who either does not want kids, or has already had kids. Someone who is independent and is secure with her own life and is not looking to change it by settling down. It may be that you need to look for someone a bit older.
If I were to give you advise, it would be to just be up front with what you want, and don't want. If you want romance, fun, and excitement, then say that is what you want from the get-go. If the cards are on the table, the other party can settle into that without pre-conceived expectations, or they can freely move on to "greener pastures". If you are getting involved with women who want a life-long relationship, then it is clear that you are seeing the wrong women. Its up to you to not settle and go for what you want. Being completely honest with yourself and others is the only way to get that.

 

[darthtang aw]

Or there is always escort services.

 

[crimzy]

Or there is always escort services.
Bro if I wanted toothless freaks I'd be here talking to you more often...
Crim (can't find smilies on the mobile app) zy

 

[darthtang aw]

Spend a little more than two dollars and you get all the teeth.
Darth (some things are worth the money) tang

 

[reefraff]

Quote:
Originally Posted by crimzy http:///t/393879/is-it-natural-for-people-to-spend-their-lives-committed-to-just-one-partner#post_3505357
It's pretty funny that you say that. I am 36 and have found women in their 30's to be in full crisis mode to get married and have babies. But they are also very sexy and generally pretty fun at that age. In some ways this is the best time to be single.
I was 33 when I got divorced. It was more women looking for a dad for their kids than biological clocks ticking but the two of them made up 90 percent of what was out there at the time. But it's still less complicated than dealing with the early 20's twits who expect you to be prince charming come to sweep them off their feet.

 

[crimzy]

I was 33 when I got divorced. It was more women looking for a dad for their kids than biological clocks ticking but the two of them made up 90 percent of what was out there at the time. But it's still less complicated than dealing with the early 20's twits who expect you to be prince charming come to sweep them off their feet.
So true and (no offense intended by this remark)... If you avoid the 30 somethings and then pass on the 20 somethings then the crop of women remaining leave something to be desired.
It's like a riddle that can't be solved. So vexing...

 

[reefraff]

Quote:
Originally Posted by crimzy http:///t/393879/is-it-natural-for-people-to-spend-their-lives-committed-to-just-one-partner#post_3505387
So true and (no offense intended by this remark)... If you avoid the 30 somethings and then pass on the 20 somethings then the crop of women remaining leave something to be desired.
It's like a riddle that can't be solved. So vexing...
Late 20's is a good age. They generally aren't thinking about kids (yet) and have the twit worn off. My wife was 31 and already had a kid. I actually found that the women with kids tended to be more grounded and following my experience with the first wife that was appealing to me. I did date a 25 year old for a while who could have been an underwear model. But gawd she was an idiot. Of course if she had looked like that and been smart I probably wouldn't have had a chance with her anyway LOL!

 

[snakeblitz33]

What's sup with the over generalizations about age and women? Some women who are in their 20s are intellectually mature enough to handle their own, and be grounded enough to know how to talk to their partners...
Though, I haven't met one yet.

 

[crimzy]

Late 20's is a good age. They generally aren't thinking about kids (yet) and have the twit worn off. My wife was 31 and already had a kid. I actually found that the women with kids tended to be more grounded and following my experience with the first wife that was appealing to me. I did date a 25 year old for a while who could have been an underwear model. But gawd she was an idiot. Of course if she had looked like that and been smart I probably wouldn't have had a chance with her anyway LOL!
What's sup with the over generalizations about age and women? Some women who are in their 20s are intellectually mature enough to handle their own, and be grounded enough to know how to talk to their partners...
Though, I haven't met one yet.
Sheesh you guys are really glass half empty people, aren't you. I find women in their 20s and 30s to have a lot to offer. Maybe I just look for the good in people... They should give me an award. ;-)