Twins

[victoria79]

Hey everyone I have 4 1/2 yaer old twin boys. I was wondering if there is someone here, who could give me some advice. My boys are going through a phase where they are both wanting to be the leader and the two of them are so bull headed that it is driving me crazy. Well we went through the stop bossing me around last week Ryan and Adam had two use the bathroom at the same time and there is a second bathroom in our home. Neighter of them would compromise I thought that I had everything under controll when Adam went to the other bath room and I left them alone. I thought the agureement was over. Then I heard MOMMYYYYY! I dropped the plateds on the counter because I thought Ryan had gotten hurt, I rushed in there to see what was going on and Adam had peed all over him. So I spanked him and put him in his room and was giving Ryan a bath when I was drying Ryan off I heard the door shut and I thought It was my husband home from work, so I called out to him, there wasn't any answer. I thought nothing of it and dressed Ryan and came through the house I couldn't find Adam anywhere I paniced so bad I went outside to see where he had went I looked for a good fifteen minutes and he was nowhere to be found. I was really in a panic then. I started back in the house to call the police. When I heard your gonna stop bossing me around or I'll never come back home. I looked under the porch and there was Adam. I didn't spank him again because I was to mad I put him in his room again and told him that his dad would deal with him when he got home. Well that didn't work eighter, he kept back talking, I kept getting madder by the minute. So I went outside to smoke a cig. I left the door cracked and I heard him coming through the house talking to himself (Adam). He looked though the crack in the door and that little rat had the phone up to his ear. I asked him what he was up to. He tells me Mom I calling the cops on you to make you stiop bossing me around. Well it took a week of grounding and spankings to get him to stop acting this way and now Ryan is going at it. They just do things to see how far they can push me. My husband think its funny that they act this way. I don't see the humor in it. My question is when will this stop? What am I doing wrong? I take T.V. and all privilages when I ground them, and I stick to it. I have done the time out thing, I have talked to them untill I am blue in the face and I must be doing something wrong for this behavior to keep going on. They make messes constantly, things they know they are not allowed to touch. Then there is the momaw thing they always want to go to momaws. Which she lives next door. From the time we get out of bed until noon they cry and beg to go over there. I don't understand it and when I asked them why, Ryan tells me his momaw aint mean to him and Adam like I am. Somebody please help. Will it ever end?

 

[fishman830]

man!!!!!!!!!
i think that in time.. they're gonna work it out i guess? i wouldn't know.. but i know triplets.. 2 are normal.. but one is mentally retarded... the 2 other's boss him around.. but hten i know osme tiwns.. and they are like..the right and left hand.. work in unison really..

 

[disgusted]

The first thing I would say is STOP spanking! Hitting children is not acceptable, and it only teaches them to "hit back" when they are angry. We spend years telling our children not to hit when they are angry and to use words. When you spank out of anger, you are showing them that it's ok to hit when YOU are angry. Hitting is just not an option. PERIOD.

 

[aarone]

lets try and not tell someone how to parent their child....
If you had any cajones you would smack their kid the first time they screwed up....
Check it....
Your kid gets high, You ground him for a week....BIG DEAL!!!!
He gets high again.... you find out and ground him for a week...then he will learn how not to get caught...
What should happen
gets high....you smack the heck out of the little punk and then ground his butt
no mas mota
yeah sac up and teach your kids a lesson....its legal and the way to do it
http://maddox.xmission.com/beat.html
aarone...once again I have a member reporting your use of foul language and once again I have found reason to edit your choice of language. Bottom line is your choice of words are not appropiate for these forums and I'd appreciate it if you would refrain from the use of foul language.
nmreef

 

[whiner2]

i dont really feel that trying to find the "legal" way to hit your child is the best thing to do. and not to sound condensending, but if you had kids and were maybe a little bit older you would know this. i have a three and a half year old and she does very well with the use your words and expressions philosophy instead of her living in fear that anytime she does something bad i will be there to beat her up.
just my 2 cents...but you have brought up differently than i was.
:thinking:

 

[aarone]

well it seemed to work for our grand parents and their grand parents etc. etc.... so how can spanking now be any different?

 

[victoria79]

Thanks for all of the replies. I'll try a different aproach. My spankings are not at all harsh nor are they long maybe two swats on the butt, and never with the pants down. My parents really humilated us in that way, and my kids have to do something really bad to get a spanking. I will try anything at this point with them A freind of mine just suggested positive reinforcement. Although she couldn't explain it, I'll do a web search. I just don't see how being overly positive with them is going to help; but we will see. I wish raiseing kids came with a hand book written by a doctor that actually had children. I'd like to know how they did it making a perfect child that never tries you patience.LOL

 

[disgusted]

Spanking is still unacceptable--regardless of how "harsh" they are. You are just teaching them that when anger arises you hit. Plain and simple. I'm sure you don't allow them to hit each other when they are angry?
Positive reinforcement does work. You praise them when you see them doing something good. Maybe when they are playing nicely together you mention to them. "Hey, you two are really playing well together! How nice!" Bad behavior from children is often an attention getter. You can give them that attetion when their behavior is good too.
Aaron--I hope you don't have children when you get older. "Smacking the sh*t out of children" is just horrendous. You made my skin crawl with that statement.

 

[victoria79]

Okay, will try that see how it goes today I hope it does work. I am at the end of my rope. I can see where you are coming from with the spanking causeing them to be afraid and, teaching to hit in anger. Even though it can be tough to controll the way you punish, it isn't impossiable. I think that spanking is a taught behavior, handed down, and I really want to break the chain. So from this day foward no more spankings. Thank you so much, for showing me what I am doing wrong, maybe it is the spanking that makes them worse because when someone makes me mad, I act out. I am sure that others do too. So it makes sence positive reinforcement. I am just guessing here when they are bad, you explain the problem to them and maybe ground, like time out and no spanking, while letting them know how upset I am and maybe that would make them want to please me. I hope that I am right. But how do you do it without them being rotten? My mom-in-law tells me all the time that they are just being kids, and no matter what they do I should just smile to myself and thank god for them. She has the kind of patience that a saint has, no wonder she had five children.

 

[aarone]

Originally posted by disgusted
Aaron--I hope you don't have children when you get older. "Smacking the sh*t out of children" is just horrendous. You made my skin crawl with that statement.
good you little girl...at least my kids will respect adults and not think they can walk all over them due to lack of authority

 

[beth]

victoria79, one problem I see is that you and your husband are not on the same page with what is going on.
There are obviously power struggles going on; the twins with each other, and the kids with you. Are there also power struggles going on between you and your husband? How do the kids react to him? I can't say that I would allow one child to pee on another to go unpunished. That really is unacceptable in my opinion.
I think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband and come to a firm agreement about displine for the kids, and be consistent. I agree with Trojan in that children react very strongly to positive feedback [and just as strongly when the only feedback they are getting is negetive]. If you can't get a handle on the situation, I would suggest seeing a therapist who specializes in kids. A few sessions may give you some perspective and insights.

 

[victoria79]

Thank you Jwtrojan, I agree that sometimes I do let things slide, and maybe that leads them to think they can get away with it next time. But the next time I may be having a bad day, and they get into trouble, it confuses them. They think mom didn't get mad before. I noticed that you are counsler by profession, Is there a parenting class that I could attend, to learn to deal with these things better. I just want to have a good relationship with my children and to be the best mom I can be, I want them to respect me and my husband, without harsh punisment, or being to strict I know what they learn now will stick with them for the rest of their life. As goes with what they see and how there enviorment is that revolves around them. My mother was very strick with me, and I rebelled so bad as a teenager I did everything to make her mad, and I don't want to go through that with my boys by having them thinking mom will eventually let it go. When I was a child it was okay to spank your kids and now its not the answer. I wish I had realized what this was all about before we had children then, I wouldn't be having this problem with displine.

 

[bradttu]

Reading some of these post has made me lose my breakfast. Look at my interests under my avatar on the side. It's been that for a long time now.
I have two degrees, one in Computer Science and one in Child Psychology, so I think I know what I'm saying about this. Numerous people I've spoke with who USED to do "time out" think so as well.
Haven't your parents ever told you about when they got licks in school in front of the entire class and got them again when they got home? Did they go run and tell the CPS? NO! Kids used to mind. When they didn't mind, they got their butt beat. Plain and simple.
Parents these days are sissified. They don't have any backbone. They're scared that little Johnny will run and tell on them or that other parents will look down on them. Christ people, there's nothing wrong with spanking your kid! When I got out of line when I was a kid, I got spanked. And I don't mean a little swat. I mean a good couple of swats with a paddle with holes drilled in it so there was less drag. I can count the times I got spanked on my fingers. You might say, “Well you must have not gotten spanked too many times.” I would tell you that you are a genius for figuring that one out. It's a math problem.
A=something I did that deserved a spanking.
B=getting my rear end beat
C=I'm not doing that again.
Therefore, A+B=C
Parents are not parents anymore. They’re more like baby sitters that are scared to reprimand someone else’s child.
This new generation of "parents" will say, "But hitting them doesn't do anything." If you're saying that, you're not doing it right. For example, a kid comes and grabs something hot and burns their hand. Unless the kid is really stupid, they won't do it again because they know the outcome. This leads to the dumbest and most ineffective idea in American parenting, that old and worthless idea of the “time out”
"Time out" DOES NOT WORK! The child's mentality with this practice is this. "I can do whatever I want. I won't get in any real trouble, I'll just have to sit on a stool in the corner for a few minutes, no big deal. It was worth it." This just repeats itself over and over. With spanking, if a kid realizes that they're going to get a good spanking if they do something they shouldn't, they won't do it for the fear of getting hurt.
Start being a parent and not a baby sitter. They’re YOUR kids, don’t worry about what other’s think. Your kids will be the ones sitting quietly in the restaurant while their kids will be the ones that everyone is staring at because they are little brats.
I can dig up plenty of academic journals to back me up if you would like.

 

[bang guy]

It's interesting that the level of violence in our society is climbing rapidly and the amount of dicipline is falling rapidly.
It must just be a coincidence.

 

[victoria79]

Beth, the boys are pretty good with their dad. He can do things that I can't with them. Then I feel like the villian. I am going to sugesst that both he and I see a PHD. with the children maybe the problem is solely me. I am just not doing things on a level that the boys understand. Maybe I expect to much from them. They are just four.
I am going to fix this problem no matter what, I can't stand to do something the wrong way it eats me up. I let you all know how everything is working out. I hope I can be half the mom my husbands mother is. He has younger brothers and sisters and she never has a problem out of them, the woman could take all four of them anywhere with her, and they were perfect and now all of them are still good kids. I thank everyone for their help. I just thought I had the spawn of satan. LOL I am glad that is not the case, it is the way that I am doing things that teaches them to get a rise out of me.

 

[bradttu]

Originally posted by Bang Guy
It's interesting that the level of violence in our society is climbing rapidly and the amount of dicipline is falling rapidly.
It must just be a coincidence.
Funny, I noticed the same thing a long time ago.

 

[wamp]

The Bang Guys is right on!
While I do believe that you can go overboard sometimes on the spankings, there is a diffrence between a spanking and a beating.
I got hit alot when I was younger.. I used to call it a beating but now know better. I was getting spanked. I was a roungh little kid. I look back on my life and wonder sometimes how I am where I am at now. I can tell you this. I am where I am at because my dad was very tough on me. I now Love him for it.
I have a very addictive personality. I used to look for others approval at everything I did. My dad was very strict on me. My other brothers and sister were usually getting away with more than me. I now see why. My dad saw in me that I was a better person than I thought I was. I got plenty of spankings and finally realized that how to avoid them. Quit doing the stupid S&^T I was doing.
I know that alot of people out there say spankings are negative reinforcment. I can understand your argument but the truth is, these are kids. They learn by pushing boundries. They see how far they can push till you crack. Posetive reinforcment teaches them that when they do something right, they get rewarded. When they do something wrong, they lose a couple of privlidges for a couple days and then still get them back. A spanking really puts reality in their actions.
SOAP BOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another thing you have to remember. How many parents out their right now really go through with their punishments???? Most of you out there are pushovers!!! You let your kids run all over you, run through the resteraunts, act a fool in the stores, watch TV as a babysitter etc.... (Here is the young old man coming out) When I was a kid, I was outside playing any time my eyes were open. My mom only let me watch 30 mins of TV per day but I chose the program. Now, I know parents who let there kids watch tv from the time they get home from school till they go to bed. Hell, most kids have a TV in their room by the age of 6!!!!! So, next time you say that spankings are bad, look at the world around you and see what the alternatives are!
OK I'm Done... LOL
Again, I am who I am today because my dad was not affraid to pull the belt off from time to time and I love him for it. Spank your kids when they deserve it.... They will still love you!

 

[bradttu]

Looks like the pushover parents are out numbered here! :thinking:

 

[lovethesea]

Oh, this is my favorite. Our kids don't need a friend they need parents. They need structure and dicipline. When I say your grounded from playing outside, you are. No TV, computer, phones in rooms either. When we are in public you are on your best behavior. NOW, my kids are still kids and I don't expect perfection, but they know the rules and where they line is. They are learning as they go. How are kids supposed to know any of this if its not taught. I watch so many parents my age and younger so involved with their cars, houses, status, parties, friends, more status, that their kids are almost wild animals. No dicipline, constanstly interrupting, screaming at their parents if they aren't getting what they want, running around a restruant crazy or worse someones elses home like fools. All the while the parents head is in the clouds and can't figure out what the problem is.
My kids live to play outside for hours on end. They only play the PS2, or movies, TV etc. when the weather is bad or its not a good time to be outside playing.
Structure, dicipline and love. All FREE............

 

[bradttu]

:joy: