Chuck Norris Jokes

choog

choog

Member
Has anyone else ever heard Chuck Norris jokes? I think they are hilarious. Just curious if it's only around the south or if they're heard everywhere. Here's a few.
chuck norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana
chuck norris counted to infinity. . . . . .twice
chuck norris CAN divide by zero
if chuck norris is running late, time better slow down
Superman wears Chuck Norris underpants.
When Chuck Norris does Push up's he doesn't push himself up he pushes the world down
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door
When chuck norris sleeps with a man, its not because he is gay. Its because he ran out of women.
Chuck Norris knows what Willis is talking about
According to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in the face...YESTERDAY!!
Chuck Norris doesn't step away from the vehicle. The vehicle steps away from Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris pees, he clogs the toilet.
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more than you.
Chuck norris actually died 10 yrs ago but the grim reaper is too afraid to tell him.
Chuck Norris can order a Big Mac at Burger King.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
When chuck norris goes in the water he doesn't get wet. . . .the water gets chuck norrised.
 
itom37

itom37

Member
Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf with only a 12 inch piece of rebar and a sundried tomato. He shot a 54.
 
maelv

maelv

Active Member
Can anyone tell me why there are so many chuck norris jokes about his toughness???
I just don't get it...My father was trying to explain it to me, but it just didn't sink in....
 
stdreb27

stdreb27

Active Member
Originally Posted by maelv
Can anyone tell me why there are so many chuck norris jokes about his toughness???
I just don't get it...My father was trying to explain it to me, but it just didn't sink in....
I personally think it is making a bit of fun of his desired persona. His movies and TV show all showed how tough he was, when he was in walker texas ranger. They wouldn't let anyone taller than him on the show. Makes it hard when he is 5'5". I think they are funny, I have a friend who used to be into karate and all that, he used to train with Chuck Norris back before he got famous. He said that he is the real deal when it came to being a fighter. He said he was good real good.
 
ruaround

ruaround

Active Member
here we go again!!! i thought these jokes were old 2 years ago...
Chuck Norris was asked to do the sequel of Broke Back Mountain... he simply asked how many __x scenes...
Chuck Norris refuses to fight in the octogon because there isnt enough corners for him to hide in...
Chuck Norris is an advocate for the "Murse"... he is also on a crusade for bringing back the "fanny pack"...
Chuck Norris' IQ test came back negative...

need i say more???
 
choog

choog

Member
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
 
choog

choog

Member
Originally Posted by ruaround
here we go again!!! i thought these jokes were old 2 years ago...
Chuck Norris was asked to do the sequel of Broke Back Mountain... he simply asked how many __x scenes...
Chuck Norris refuses to fight in the octogon because there isnt enough corners for him to hide in...
Chuck Norris is an advocate for the "Murse"... he is also on a crusade for bringing back the "fanny pack"...
Chuck Norris' IQ test came back negative...

need i say more???

Yeah they were old 2 yrs ago, but I was bored and saw one and couldn't stop laughing. So I thought I would share.
 
ruaround

ruaround

Active Member
heres a couple more to laugh at...
In fine print on the last page of the Farmers' Almanac it notes that annual rainfall figures do not include the tears shed by Chuck Norris...

Chuck Norris is the only person whom the Axe Effect Deodorant Spray will not work on...
Chuck Norris shampoos with conditioner, and then actually repeats...
 
bjoe23

bjoe23

Active Member
Originally Posted by itom37
Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf with only a 12 inch piece of rebar and a sundried tomato. He shot a 54.
i dont get it
 
shrimpi

shrimpi

Active Member
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

 
ledzep fan

ledzep fan

Active Member
Chuck norris is the reason why waldo is hiding.
Chuck norris doesn't sleep, he waits.
Chuck norris doesn't read books, he stares them down until he gets the information he needs.
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
 
ruaround

ruaround

Active Member
Chuck Norris gave a thumbs up on "Dodgeball" because he thought William Shatner was asking him out...
chuck norris has 11 scrapbooks full of "Love Is" cartoons and over 100 precious moments figurines...
Chuck Norris once hid his cornflakes in a safe because he heard a serial killer was on the loose...
 
gnorman

gnorman

Active Member
when chuck norris reads a book he dosent read it....he just stares until he gets all answers
 
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