man this really grinds my gears...

[siptang]

so early this morning, around 1 am to be exact, my in laws call from California waking up both my wife and I.
Let me back track a bit and fill in the background info.
My mother in law married this guy last year who has nothing. I mean, no job, no house, no car, no money, not even papers for this country and a person that's tagged along with a young daughter. Despite my protest, she went ahead and married the guy and he has been sitting on his arse not doing a thing since while she goes out and work like a horse.
Times are rough and her business isn't booming like it used to and she can't pay for her property taxes and they called me 1 in the FREAKING morning to tell me this crap.
That they are going to put a lien on the house if they can't pay blah blah blah.
For her, I would gladly folk over the money that I have. (Which I don't) She's the mother of my wife and a sweet old lady. However, for this douche bag? Steams are coming out of my ears. Since I don't have any money right now and I'm struggling to put fish & corals into my tank.
I told her that I will send my commission paycheck which was around $500 for this week but man I am steamed.
Now, I'm going to struggle to make ends meet this month.. for what?
Last month, I sent $700 for something else too. I think that's enough from my pockets now. I'm done, no more, not a cent.
Unless her health deteriates (God forbid) and she needs some hospital money or something, I'm not going to move an inch.
Sorry for the rant.
Please feel free to comment your thoughts, opinions.

 

[meowzer]

YIKES....IDK what to say except NO!!! Sometimes you just have to.....or this will never end

 

[beaslbob]

Quote:
Originally Posted by meowzer http:///t/390059/man-this-really-grinds-my-gears#post_3451767
YIKES....IDK what to say except NO!!! Sometimes you just have to.....or this will never end
+1
also a local radio talk show host has a "grind my gears" ad they run every day.

 

[stdreb27]

I personally think there is a balance between you live in the bed you make, and well, it is family.
And I know this sounds harsh, I've told 2 people this over the last 2 weeks. And it kind of shocked em. But you've got to make sure you're crap is in order before you start helping other people, including family. If you're going to co-sign for something, you'd better be dang sure ready to take over the loan, or it hurts you.
If your family won't pay their bill when it directly effects them. Then they're not going to care if you get hung out to dry.
If you "lend" money to someone, you'd better be just as comfortable saying in your head, I give you this money.
But that being said, in my family, if my folks made terrible financial or life decisions, and they needed help, I'd do what it would take, to help. After all they did put up with my in their house for 18+ years...

 

[siptang]

Yea, that's basically same mentality that I have towards the whole thing.
I'm not expecting to get paid back and I'm not going to enforce it. Like you said, family is family even if it's in laws.
That's the most i can do without me not being able to pay for my own things.
What gets me pissed off it's the fact that, I have to cut my enjoyments that I have to work my arse off for some idiot that's sitting on his arse not doing a thing.
I was planning on buying corals and anthias for my tank this weekend and I can't now and it's very upsetting because I was really enjoying how my tank was coming along and it was really helping me battle my depression. This is the last time I will be sending them anything. I just got to let my wife know about it and that will be fun.
Wife was crying last night she felt so bad to ask me. We will see how it goes.

 

[snakeblitz33]

Sorry to hear. I have my problems as well too, but not with family.
You have to provide for yourself and your immediate family first. That is number one priority. If someone else puts you in a bad position where you can't provide for yourself and your wife and children then you can't help them. Its selfish, I know - but it's also survival. She made her bed and now she has to sleep in it. I would never expect that money back. It's gone forever. But what you can do is refuse to donate any more.
I hate it for you, I really do. Things will get better.

 

[reefraff]

I wouldn't have given her a cent. You warned her, She ignored you. Some years ago my son and now Ex daughter in law got in on a low income homeowner program. Her parents owned a business that built log homes. These rocket scientists decided to buy a lot next door to her parent's place and build their own house. They decided on a 2100 square foot place. My wife and I tried to tell them they wouldn't have time and money to build such a large house. They were only earning 18 an hour between the two of them and my son has zero con struction skills so they would have to depend on her parents to build the thing. . I tried to convince them to build a 2 bedroom one bath place they could afford and add a master suite and family room to when they had the money to afford a bigger place. But oh no, the Daughter in Law knew what she was doing, THEY were in the business. .
So when they ran out of time and money who do they come to LOL! I offered to buy the house, finish it and sell it and give them what profit there was so they could go buy something they could afford. The DIL and her mom tried to convince me to finish the house and let them repay me because I could place a lien on it and foreclose if they didn't pay me back. LOL! Yeah, right. SELF INFLICTED WOUND. I wouldn't give them a cent.

 

[bigarn]

Your mother in law should know better. As long as that bum is living with her i wouldn't give her a penny of the money you WORKED for to support your own immediate family. Sounds to me a nice long conversation is needed between you and wifey!
big (Live and Learn) arn

 

[beth]

You did right, Siptang, so don't beat yourself up for it. She is your wife's mom and your family.
However, the limit has been met and you should let your mother in law know that limit has been met. If she finds herself in financial trouble, then she will need to work it through with her own family, not yours. Of course, if she decides to unload the dead weight that may be another matter in future, but for now, she has a husband that needs to take on responsibility. Either you or your wife spell it out to her. And, also, "We love you mom, but, unless you are in the ER, don't call at 1am. since I do need to get up in the am to work for a living."

 

[flower]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Siptang http:///t/390059/man-this-really-grinds-my-gears#post_3451763
so early this morning, around 1 am to be exact, my in laws call from California waking up both my wife and I.
Let me back track a bit and fill in the background info.
My mother in law married this guy last year who has nothing. I mean, no job, no house, no car, no money, not even papers for this country and a person that's tagged along with a young daughter. Despite my protest, she went ahead and married the guy and he has been sitting on his arse not doing a thing since while she goes out and work like a horse.
Times are rough and her business isn't booming like it used to and she can't pay for her property taxes and they called me 1 in the FREAKING morning to tell me this crap.
That they are going to put a lien on the house if they can't pay blah blah blah.
For her, I would gladly folk over the money that I have. (Which I don't) She's the mother of my wife and a sweet old lady. However, for this douche bag? Steams are coming out of my ears. Since I don't have any money right now and I'm struggling to put fish & corals into my tank.
I told her that I will send my commission paycheck which was around $500 for this week but man I am steamed.
Now, I'm going to struggle to make ends meet this month.. for what?
Last month, I sent $700 for something else too. I think that's enough from my pockets now. I'm done, no more, not a cent.
Unless her health deteriates (God forbid) and she needs some hospital money or something, I'm not going to move an inch.
Sorry for the rant.
Please feel free to comment your thoughts, opinions.
Lets see...you bailed her out last month with $700.00, and now you send her $500.00...That is called enabling...we usually do that with our kids when they marry a good for nothing. As the mother of such a daughter...I am now an expert on what to do.
As long as you keep bailing her out, she will remain with her deadbeat husband and drain you dry. Let her fend for herself, you don't have to be mean...just put the tip of your tongue to the top of your mouth and say.."no" then explain " I'm sorry but I can't help you, I have my own bills to pay." ...then can cry back at her with your problems..."Yep, Mom...it's rough all over, I can just almost pay my own bills, I don't know what your going to do..wifey took a part time job to help out...blah...blah...blah"
When she cries that her business isn't doing so good...inform her that businesses all over are having a hard time, and be sure to keep asking..What are YOU going to do mom, can't (insert hubbys name) do something? Don't help her with cash, just keep offering a solution that involves her husband and her working it out on their own.
What you will find really amazing is that they will find a way without you. You most likely are one person in a long line of people to tap for cash, you are only one solution...they have a bunch of what if they can't help us ideas they can fall back on. You bailing them out is just the easiest route...if it works, just like the wild racoons that hang out by the trash cans, they will keep going back to the easy meal.
My story...well the short version:
Dan and I got divorced, then reunited...he died and we lost the house....When we couldn't help her anymore, she managed without us just fine.
My daughter never left her husband. She lives in a 5 bedroom house that the state pays for, she gets over $1000.00 a month to feed her 6 kids, and an allowance to pay the gas and electric. he smokes like a chimney...I have no idea where he gets the cash to pay for cigarettes, but I have not given them any money for the last 3 years. Before then, I had her and her brood living in my house driving me and my husband crazy, and we took out a second equity mortgage to pay bills after we tapped our credit cards, because neither of them worked, and the kids needed clothes and whatever else. We kept saying it was for the grandchildren that we kept "helping" but the truth is... we were idiots.

 

[siptang]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beth http:///t/390059/man-this-really-grinds-my-gears#post_3451818
You did right, Siptang, so don't beat yourself up for it. She is your wife's mom and your family.
However, the limit has been met and you should let your mother in law know that limit has been met. If she finds herself in financial trouble, then she will need to work it through with her own family, not yours. Of course, if she decides to unload the dead weight that may be another matter in future, but for now, she has a husband that needs to take on responsibility. Either you or your wife spell it out to her. And, also, "We love you mom, but, unless you are in the ER, don't call at 1am. since I do need to get up in the am to work for a living."
Yea, I have talked to my wife already. It's rough for everyone and I don't need to pay for anyone else's laziness.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flower http:///t/390059/man-this-really-grinds-my-gears#post_3451853
Lets see...you bailed her out last month with $700.00, and now you send her $500.00...That is called enabling...we usually do that with our kids when they marry a good for nothing. As the mother of such a daughter...I am now an expert on what to do.
As long as you keep bailing her out, she will remain with her deadbeat husband and drain you dry. Let her fend for herself, you don't have to be mean...just put the tip of your tongue to the top of your mouth and say.."no" then explain " I'm sorry but I can't help you, I have my own bills to pay." ...then can cry back at her with your problems..."Yep, Mom...it's rough all over, I can just almost pay my own bills, I don't know what your going to do..wifey took a part time job to help out...blah...blah...blah"
When she cries that her business isn't doing so good...inform her that businesses all over are having a hard time, and be sure to keep asking..What are YOU going to do mom, can't (insert hubbys name) do something? Don't help her with cash, just keep offering a solution that involves her husband and her working it out on their own.
What you will find really amazing is that they will find a way without you. You most likely are one person in a long line of people to tap for cash, you are only one solution...they have a bunch of what if they can't help us ideas they can fall back on. You bailing them out is just the easiest route...if it works, just like the wild racoons that hang out by the trash cans, they will keep going back to the easy meal.
My story...well the short version:
Dan and I got divorced, then reunited...he died and we lost the house....When we couldn't help her anymore, she managed without us just fine.
My daughter never left her husband. She lives in a 5 bedroom house that the state pays for, she gets over $1000.00 a month to feed her 6 kids, and an allowance to pay the gas and electric. he smokes like a chimney...I have no idea where he gets the cash to pay for cigarettes, but I have not given them any money for the last 3 years. Before then, I had her and her brood living in my house driving me and my husband crazy, and we took out a second equity mortgage to pay bills after we tapped our credit cards, because neither of them worked, and the kids needed clothes and whatever else. We kept saying it was for the grandchildren that we kept "helping" but the truth is... we were idiots.
Wow, I'm sorry Flower.... you had it really rough.. and your story actually puts me in a whole different perspective...
I don't know what I would have done if my kid was acting that way.. what is your son in law thinking? Is he thinking at all?
6 kids and no job? sigh.... it's really disturbing and upsetting to hear that they put you through that and that my tax money is going to her so that she can live without working.

 

[acrylic51]

Mother-in-law, even though it's your wifes mother.....She wouldn't have gotten a dime after the $700.00 period....Harsh or not, it is what it is.....

 

[flower]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Siptang http:///t/390059/man-this-really-grinds-my-gears#post_3452066
Yea, I have talked to my wife already. It's rough for everyone and I don't need to pay for anyone else's laziness.
Wow, I'm sorry Flower.... you had it really rough.. and your story actually puts me in a whole different perspective...
I don't know what I would have done if my kid was acting that way.. what is your son in law thinking? Is he thinking at all?
6 kids and no job? sigh.... it's really disturbing and upsetting to hear that they put you through that and that my tax money is going to her so that she can live without working.
Well the problem was me...everytime my daughter got pregnant she came home...her husband USED to work. However as long as I was carrying the family...why should he???
It wasn't until I got tired enough to say no to them that they started finding other ways to make do. He has been out of work so long he can't find anyone to hire him now. I was an enabler and that is what I was trying to convey to you. The more we help, the more we make them helpless. We are not doing them any favors. You are correct..we tax payers foot her bill, and all the other Lena's out there too.
Acrylic51 is right, one time only and then stop...let them know that was the one and only time, and stick to it. It might sound harsh but in the end, you did her a service and a big favor.

 

[acrylic51]

I only say 1 time for the mere fact it's been a pattern problem and not trying to be a jerk or un compassionate, because at some point we've all been down on or luck or could be at some point. I don't think "Mom" will learn her lesson and will continue to travel the path she is on. Part of love is letting people learn from the poor mistakes or choices they make in life....Definitely "Mom" is old enough to know better, and yes I could understand if "Mom" was sick or hurt and just needed a helping hand to get back on track, but as you pointed out it's clearly not the case.
Also I question your wife even asking you to do such a thing......

Family, blood or what not, bottom line is you take care of your own first, and then if there is extra distribute freely if you choose to. I think you wife backed you into a corner asking if you could/would help again.....Just my .02

 

[acrylic51]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Siptang http:///t/390059/man-this-really-grinds-my-gears#post_3451784
Yea, that's basically same mentality that I have towards the whole thing.
I'm not expecting to get paid back and I'm not going to enforce it. Like you said, family is family even if it's in laws.
That's the most i can do without me not being able to pay for my own things.
What gets me pissed off it's the fact that, I have to cut my enjoyments that I have to work my arse off for some idiot that's sitting on his arse not doing a thing.
I was planning on buying corals and anthias for my tank this weekend and I can't now and it's very upsetting because I was really enjoying how my tank was coming along and it was really helping me battle my depression. This is the last time I will be sending them anything. I just got to let my wife know about it and that will be fun.
Wife was crying last night she felt so bad to ask me. We will see how it goes.
Don't let the tears and the pretty eyes suck you harder brother!!!!!! I'm a hard nose prick.....I have a brother-in-law that had a house given to him, a huge inheritance and blew through all the money, House was paid for didn't pay the taxes, and then when the man came knocking looked at everyone for handouts......My sister-in-law his sister said I was mean......I simply explained how can 11 other kids be responsible and work and maintain a home and family and "he" can not........Needless to say he didn't get any money from my pockets, and come to find out later he had soaked my wife (his sister) for over $5k that she didn't tell me about to later......They play on sympathy.......

 

[meowzer]

Oh geesh, been there done that....My oldest daughter is going to be 30 this week......never can hold a job....her 3 kids are all in school now.....her b/f rarely ever worked until he got in trouble with the law and HAD TO work to stay out of jail......even then.....they are always SHORT on something......well her oldest daughter is now 8.....I have done everything for then EXCEPT.....moving in with me is OUT of the question.....FINALLY the last 2 years I had to put my foot down...even though I am in a better financial position now, I WAS feeding, clothing and supporting her children.....it was time for them to step up......It got to the point where the kids just called MA (me) when the school sent home a note or they needed something......
FINALLY this year they actually bought the kids their school supplies themselves.....first year I did not have to....YES....I say HAVE TO because those kids would not go to school without.....I would not allow that
I still buy them "things" and yes.....occassionally I get the request for gas money, a few bucks because they are short this week.......etc....that I will do......My daughter still does not work

and her b/fhas the mentality that what's his is his GRRRRR....but that is her choice...and SHE has to live with it....I will not anymore
TO MAKE a long story short.....LOL.....sometimes tough love....and the word NO....IS the BEST way to handle things

 

[reefraff]

My son has got the cut off talk for the last time. His next act of stupidity is up to him to fix. His now Ex wife found a boyfriend while he was deployed so I cut him extra slack. He came home for R&R a year ago last sept and she told him she wanted a divorce. He went back to Afghanistan and she went to Hawaii for a week to see the new BF. Of course that meant she couldn't make the car payment or make the payment on his star card, Miserable $%^@# Me and the wife saw it coming but the kid was clueless. So he gets home from his deployment last spring and no joke 4 days after he hit the states she was in Georgia shoving divorce papers in his face and he signed them. 1550 a month for 3 kids He only makes 2200 plus housing. She did lower it to 950 for allowing her to take the kids to Hawaii so she could live with her now new husband.
His ex has been cutting me and the wife out of their lives for the last few years.It was her doing but he let her so..... We didn't even have a phone number for them since he deployed in like April of 2010. The final straw was a year ago when for the second straight time we sent one of the grandkids a birthday present and it wasn't even aknowleged, let alone a kid placed on the phone to say thanks, kiss my butt or boogity boogity boogity. This was before we knew they were getting divorce but we decided right then and there we were no longer sending gifts to the kids. I decided to just set 100 a kid aside each year and if at some point we have a relationship with them we can help them get their first car of something.

 

[flower]

Quote:
Originally Posted by reefraff http:///t/390059/man-this-really-grinds-my-gears#post_3452525
My son has got the cut off talk for the last time. His next act of stupidity is up to him to fix. His now Ex wife found a boyfriend while he was deployed so I cut him extra slack. He came home for R&R a year ago last sept and she told him she wanted a divorce. He went back to Afghanistan and she went to Hawaii for a week to see the new BF. Of course that meant she couldn't make the car payment or make the payment on his star card, Miserable $%^@# Me and the wife saw it coming but the kid was clueless. So he gets home from his deployment last spring and no joke 4 days after he hit the states she was in Georgia shoving divorce papers in his face and he signed them. 1550 a month for 3 kids He only makes 2200 plus housing. She did lower it to 950 for allowing her to take the kids to Hawaii so she could live with her now new husband.
His ex has been cutting me and the wife out of their lives for the last few years.It was her doing but he let her so..... We didn't even have a phone number for them since he deployed in like April of 2010. The final straw was a year ago when for the second straight time we sent one of the grandkids a birthday present and it wasn't even aknowleged, let alone a kid placed on the phone to say thanks, kiss my butt or boogity boogity boogity. This was before we knew they were getting divorce but we decided right then and there we were no longer sending gifts to the kids. I decided to just set 100 a kid aside each year and if at some point we have a relationship with them we can help them get their first car of something.
What a heart breaker...I have one son that got divorced, and she took the boy to New York. He is the only grandbaby I'm not close to. I had seen him when he was 3 yrs old and I got to hug him when he was at his grandfathers (my late husband) funeral when he was 8, I have seen him 2 times since...He is 10 now.. I like your solution of putting money aside in hopes that someday you might have a relationship ...

 

[snakeblitz33]

Quote:
Originally Posted by reefraff http:///t/390059/man-this-really-grinds-my-gears#post_3452525
My son has got the cut off talk for the last time. His next act of stupidity is up to him to fix. His now Ex wife found a boyfriend while he was deployed so I cut him extra slack. He came home for R&R a year ago last sept and she told him she wanted a divorce. He went back to Afghanistan and she went to Hawaii for a week to see the new BF. Of course that meant she couldn't make the car payment or make the payment on his star card, Miserable $%^@# Me and the wife saw it coming but the kid was clueless. So he gets home from his deployment last spring and no joke 4 days after he hit the states she was in Georgia shoving divorce papers in his face and he signed them. 1550 a month for 3 kids He only makes 2200 plus housing. She did lower it to 950 for allowing her to take the kids to Hawaii so she could live with her now new husband.
His ex has been cutting me and the wife out of their lives for the last few years.It was her doing but he let her so..... We didn't even have a phone number for them since he deployed in like April of 2010. The final straw was a year ago when for the second straight time we sent one of the grandkids a birthday present and it wasn't even aknowleged, let alone a kid placed on the phone to say thanks, kiss my butt or boogity boogity boogity. This was before we knew they were getting divorce but we decided right then and there we were no longer sending gifts to the kids. I decided to just set 100 a kid aside each year and if at some point we have a relationship with them we can help them get their first car of something.
sorry to hear about that situation.
but, correct me if I'm wrong... when she got divorced, she could draw payments/child support from him... but once she is re-married officially, doesn't that mean that the new husband takes those responsibilities and the exhusbands payments sieze? Isn't it technically a good thing if your ex gets married again because you don't have to make payments anymore??

 

[flower]

Quote:
Originally Posted by SnakeBlitz33 http:///t/390059/man-this-really-grinds-my-gears#post_3452548
sorry to hear about that situation.
but, correct me if I'm wrong... when she got divorced, she could draw payments/child support from him... but once she is re-married officially, doesn't that mean that the new husband takes those responsibilities and the exhusbands payments sieze? Isn't it technically a good thing if your ex gets married again because you don't have to make payments anymore??
On alimony yes, but not child support. Alimony can be paid to a wife for a short time, or until she remarries to give her the kind of life she was accustomed to have before the divorce. Child support however is to take care of you own children until they are grown.