Saying Goodbye to my tanks, I choose my husband instead

[rykna]

This is a long thread, but I need closure. Thankyou all.
I took down my 2 reef tanks yesterday. I am selling everything. I have many items and I will ship.
Brian and I have been married for 11 years, we met when we were 14, married at 20. He's the most awesome guy in the world. Over the years our money management hasn't been the best....it sucks....we're 1000 dollars short each month now due to stuipd loans. We've tried budgeting, but neglected to admit that budgets DO NOT include luxury items such as salt water aquariums. Both of us have our bad habits, but it became more of a blame game.....Well if you did have your tanks...or if you didn't....you get the idea. We have been seeing a wonderful marriage counselor, Nancy, that has given us wonderful insight including this point: Yesterday I prepared a bunch of photos of my tanks to show her. I wasn’t really sure why….maybe I was looking for approval…that it was okay to have my tanks. It’s my hobby after all. So after fifteen minutes or so she turned to the photos. “This is it? Wow it is beautiful…..you know she said….usually when people share pictures of their pets it’s because the pet is dead and they are grieving. I think that is why you brought these. Your tanks are beautiful, but let me be frank… She told me yesterday that highest cause of divorce is.......MONEY. She flatly stated “so what do you want your husband or a fancy fish aquarium?”, After I got done chuckling....it dawned on me what had caused the hurt and anger between us. We had been attacking each other, bullying the other, making our own wants most important, neither of us were willing to give up our luxuries unless the other one did, blind to the fact that we were fueling the fire of debt. I cried and knew what I must do when I returned home yesterday. I packed up everything, all the live rock, all the coral, all the fish. Everything…I took them all to my favorite fish store. Something Fishy, the only store here in the twin cities I still trust. I know they will take good care of my babies. . I would have taken the time to send them off to people here, but I knew it would take to long and I would be tempted to continue the hobby. Someday I will have a saltwater tank again, when I do not have to choose between my husband andr my hobby. I am blessed to have had the chance to experience the greatness of God’s creations of ocean.
Brian was so surprised at first he thought I was joking. When he relized I was serious his first response was so what do you want me to give up???? Nancy, our counselor, warned me of this…..This is the converstion I had with my husband yesterday on chat...
Brian: hi
me: I going to take everyting back to something fishy
12:30 PM Brian: what?!?!?!??!!?!
me: yeah
I choose you over my tank
Brian: oh, yeah right... good joke, you almost got me with that one
me: I'm not joking honey,I'm takening everything back
Brian: pinkie swear?
me: Yes
12:32 PM Brian: what are you thinking?
me: About us hun
Brian: how did your session with Nancy go?
me: it was very emotinal, but good
Brian: tell me about it
me: we talked alot about our money problems, one thing she pointed out is that we haven started really budgeting
Brian: true
me: meaning we still have our luxuries, thats when I relized that we hadn't really cut out anything to try and meet the budget we are still trying to live with luxeries
Brian: ok - I understand
12:36 PM I want to make sure I get what your thinking is
me: okay
Brian: so, please, keep letting me inside your pretty head
me: my tank probabbly costs 2500 a year
Brian: whoa!

 

[rykna]

me: it;s pretty cluttered in there right now, but your welcome anytime
Brian: that would pay for Aria's school,ok, let me in,tell me more
me: and thats if I didn't put anything else in it,which is not an easy thing to do,as you can see from my most recent purchases,I plan to tank all the live rock and coral and fish to something fishy
Brian: hmmm... ok
Brian: one thing I want to be clear: I don't want you to do this.
12:39 PM me: what?
Brian: I mean, if you want to do it, then I'm all for it, but I don't want you to do it because you think its what I want.
me: No- it is what needs to be done
Brian: as long as you think so, then I agree…I just don't want to be "You'd better do this, Rykna."If this is YOUR CHOICE, then fine.
me: yes this is my choice
me: right… I don't want to do it, but it is a big problem, it causes a lot of pain between us
Brian: well, I would love to get a tank + octopus in the future, once our debt is all paid off
Brian: right, you don't WANT to, but you think it is the right thing to do
me: yes
Brian: good, then we have something to work for.Now for my side: is there anything I can or should give up to help? is there anything you would like me to give up in the same way you are giving up the fish tank
me: That's up to you.....honey. I'm not asking anything of you.
Brian: ok, I see, right back at me
me: ???
me: I am doing this becasue I know it's the right thing
Brian: well, what do you think would be right for me to give up?
me:I am doing this because I choose to,Not because you told me I had too, that way I don't resent you or hold a grudge
Brian: right,makes sense
me: that is why I am not asking anything of you
Brian: I guess its not fair for me to ask you to do the same to me,good pointyour smart
me: thanks….no, nancy is smartI told her you would ask just that
and she said it isn't for you to say
Brian: how about this: I'll give up eating out, fancy coffee, drinking, smoking, eating too much, not exercising, not fixing things in the house, buying books and buying gaming books
me: it has to be your own choice
Brian: I just want to help
me: Well that would be awesome, but it has to be your own choice.I can't make you do anything hun, that's the biggest problem we have, we blame and hurt each other daily,it's like a big stupid contest
welllll I did the dishes
wellllllllllll i went to wrok
1Brian: welll..... I tested 2000 scripts this morning
and ate some lunch
me: wonderful,but you should be proud of yourself….: not look to me for approval
Brian: but... your approval means everything to me
me: I already aprove of you, I married you
Brian: yeah... but you might not like me if I don't do something awesome...
me: you past the test….you won
Brian: aww...you don't think you got a lemon?my ego needs constant stroking
me: Not at allll I got the best!!!! I got the man that God planned….He picked you out just for me
Brian: thanks, sweetieok, I hear ya
me: thank you
Brian: I will try to be more self-confident thanks, luv bug
me: good your welcome
Brian: so... I will do some of the things i said... not because I want you to approve, but because I think they are good and necessary to do
me: God tells us to first heal your own wounds before you try to heal others…right
Brian: good idea!so... what's the practical plans for the fishy tank?
me: First I have to pack up the live rock......then the coral....then the fish…when that is done I will drive up to Something fishy and drop them off
Brian: ok
I may work a little late tonight, and when I get home, I am going to fix Daniel's toilet. Then we can have supper and watch Lost and snuggle in bed tonight...
me: what time will you get home?????
Brian: will you be home later? I am not sure when Daniel is coming home
what time should I get home???? I can be flexible
me: probabbly 4 I think
Brian: he he
12:53 PM I would be happy to do that, but I don't want to be caught up in tearing down the fish tank
me: If you could be home by 3 that would be awesome
no I will do that
Brian: ok
how about if I come home by 3, and then Aria and I can fix the toilet and you can be free to take care of your end?
12:54 PM me: Sounds great!!!! Thankyou
Brian: then we'll make supper and read stories and watch Lost
I love you
So everything is done now. I have many many fish items Food, additives..a wave 2k filter, heaters.............I'm still working on the list here's some of the main the main items.....
Thankyou all for sharing with the saltwater hobby.
Rykna

 

[rykna]

1.)Outer Orbit Lighting System 1 1/2 years old $450.00 OBO
Outer Orbit Lighting System: 560 watts total 2 Powerpaq 150w 10,0000 HQI Metal Halide & 2 Sunpaq 130w Dual Actinics (460NM x 420NM) and 6 Moon White Lunar Lights
The Powerpaq 10,000k HQI Metal Halide is packed with lumens and provides the natural shimmering effect found on coral reefs. The dual Actinic lamps provide energy for activating photosynthesis in chlorophyll A and C.
2.) 50/50 lamp 1 year $25.00 OBO
50/50 lamp combo of daylight rays of the 10,000K and True actinic 03 Blue
3.) 2 used Eheim Canisters Filter
One is for a 55 gallon tank $45.00 OBO
The other is for a 90 to 120 gallon tank (this one has an internal heater, which is broken due to bad design, could be fixed) $75.00 OBO
4.) 90 Gallon Aquarium w/ stand 48x24x18 24’ high Oak trim and oak stand 1 ½ years old, $500.00 OBO
5.) 45 Gallon Corner Aquarium w/stand aprox. 24x24 stand & trim are painted sky blue has glass lid 5 years old, $100.00 OBO
6.)Turbo Protein Skimmer Hang on style only used 3 mths $50.00 OBO

 

[tx reef]

Reading that made me want to cry.
I hope that my wife and I never have to go through anything like that.
We have a budget set that we stick to no matter what. We put back about $900 a month. We still get to do pretty much anything we want.
It is okay to give something material up for awhile in order to save your marriage. You will be a stronger person after going through this. You and your husband will have a much stronger relationship. Never think that you can't work a problem out. Nothing is too big for you and your husband with the help of God.
Be sure to continue to grace us with your presence and let us know how everything is going.

 

[tx reef]

Send me an e-mail jmiller@shallowford.com
I have something you may be interested in...

 

[fishgeek01]

WOW... I don't even know where to begin. I think it is great what you are doing for your marriage. The Lord knows that I would also do the same for my wife, but am lucky enough to not have to make that desicion. I am both proud and confident in you for making the right desicion. Let us all know when you get back in the hobby, I would be happy to donate frags to your cause. May your marriage have the blessings of the Lord under whos name you have been joined AMEN

 

[ginarox]

Originally Posted by Rykna
1.)Outer Orbit Lighting System 1 1/2 years old $450.00 OBO
Outer Orbit Lighting System: 560 watts total 2 Powerpaq 150w 10,0000 HQI Metal Halide & 2 Sunpaq 130w Dual Actinics (460NM x 420NM) and 6 Moon White Lunar Lights
The Powerpaq 10,000k HQI Metal Halide is packed with lumens and provides the natural shimmering effect found on coral reefs. The dual Actinic lamps provide energy for activating photosynthesis in chlorophyll A and C.
2.) 50/50 lamp 1 year $25.00 OBO
50/50 lamp combo of daylight rays of the 10,000K and True actinic 03 Blue
3.) 2 used Eheim Canisters Filter
One is for a 55 gallon tank $45.00 OBO
The other is for a 90 to 120 gallon tank (this one has an internal heater, which is broken due to bad design, could be fixed) $75.00 OBO
4.) 90 Gallon Aquarium w/ stand 48x24x18 24’ high Oak trim and oak stand 1 ½ years old, $500.00 OBO
5.) 45 Gallon Corner Aquarium w/stand aprox. 24x24 stand & trim are painted sky blue has glass lid 5 years old, $100.00 OBO
6.)Turbo Protein Skimmer Hang on style only used 3 mths $50.00 OBO
i am sorry to hear that,,,my husband and i have been married for 18 years, and i just now got me a saltwater aquarium, i wanted one for a long long time , and my husband new that i wanted one very badly,,but it was never in our budget until this year,,,patience is a wonderful thing,,,,and your marriage is very important,,like tx reef said it will make your marriage alot stronger,and when that time comes when you get to invest into another one, you both will enjoy it,,,trust me i know,,,,my husband and i really enjoy ours....it took a long time but it was well worth it....good luck on everything,,put God first and everything else will fall into place,,,,have a great day...

 

[rykna]

Thankyou!!!! Very good advice.

 

[jam marine]

Hi that was such a moving situation,but as said before,it will only make your marriage stronger,and i pray that all things will work out for you all,thank you for sharing what i consider a private matter ,and if there are any lessons to be learned, we will realise what they are,anyway take care,hope all goes well.

 

[jmick]

Sorry to hear it, that's tough. I'm curious, if you have all of your equipment why sell it? The investment is already made and it seems silly to sell it all when you won't get close to what its worth. Why not find a local shop that will offer credit for coral frags and as you stuff grows you can frag it and trade it for credit or sell to other reefers? Seriously, I think you are making a mistake and will regret it.
God will help nothing, be good to each other and use common sense in the future.

 

[tx reef]

Originally Posted by TX Reef
Send me an e-mail jmiller@shallowford.com
I have something you may be interested in...

I guess I'll go ahead and post this but I would have rather you sent me an e-mail because I do not like to make public some of the things I do for people.
If you would like, I have a 10 gallon tank, filter, hood with regular flourescent lighting, heater, and power head that I will ship to you. I will take care of shipping and you will owe me nothing. The cost to care for a tank this size would be extremely cheap. You would only have to change 2 gallons of water a week or two and replace filter media once a week. It would only cost you about $20 a month. I hate to see someone get completely away from the hobby. You could get a couple of clownfish and some rock and leave it at that until finances allow for something more.
Jmick, this person obviously believes in God, so do every one a favor and don't make comment like "God will help nothing". It can and will be taken personally. Think before you type.

 

[rykna]

It's the temptation. we have over $45,000 indebt.....Part of that includes all of my fish equipment. When I sell it I will use it to pay off some of the debt. I'm not too worried....like computers all of our high tech aquarium stuff will be considered fossils in 2 years anyway. I'd rather have someone enjoy it instead of taking up space and collecting cob webs.
thanks

 

[jmick]

Originally Posted by Rykna
It's the temptation. we have over $45,000 indebt.....Part of that includes all of my fish equipment. When I sell it I will use it to pay off some of the debt. I'm not too worried....like computers all of our high tech aquarium stuff will be considered fossils in 2 years anyway. I'd rather have someone enjoy it instead of taking up space and collecting cob webs.
thanks

Pray to god you win the lotto...you need it.

 

[jmick]

Originally Posted by Rykna
It's the temptation. we have over $45,000 indebt.....Part of that includes all of my fish equipment. When I sell it I will use it to pay off some of the debt. I'm not too worried....like computers all of our high tech aquarium stuff will be considered fossils in 2 years anyway. I'd rather have someone enjoy it instead of taking up space and collecting cob webs.
thanks

Pray to god you win the lotto...you need it.

 

[sign guy]

Rynka I am very sorry for your situation but know that you are in my wife and my prayers's. please email me the price of the wave2k @ patrickdennis@charter.net I feel blessed to have read your story and may GOD bless your family
Patrick

 

[sign guy]

Originally Posted by Jmick
Pray to god you win the lotto...you need it.
you are sadly missing the point

 

[nigerbang]

wow..thats a crazy story..I am sorry to hear of your hard-ships, but you have to do what you know is right and when you have to cut down on expense you have to look at the most expensive things..I do hope you and your husband the best in life and may GOD help you along the way..(He is lucky to have someone that understands things instead of being selfish..)

 

[rykna]

Originally Posted by TX Reef
I guess I'll go ahead and post this but I would have rather you sent me an e-mail because I do not like to make public some of the things I do for people.If you would like, I have a 10 gallon tank, filter, hood with regular flourescent lighting, heater, and power head that I will ship to you.
Jmick, this person obviously believes in God, so do every one a favor and don't make comment like "God will help nothing". It can and will be taken personally. Think before you type.

that's very sweet of you to offer TX, believe me you I thought about it.....but I have put off the envidable for far to long. A ten gallon tank would only be a temptation....I have one sitting here in my living room...That I was going to use for a hospital tank. Plus I still have my daughter's Freswater 15gallon tank that needs attention.Brian and I have to pay of that debt....once that's done....the sky is the limit!!!!! Brian even said he would love to get a octopus!!!!!! So the sooner the debt is gone....300 gallon tank here I come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! until then I will have to curve my addiction by enjoy pics here online.
As for God....that's okay. I know what I believe, as for jmick-that's okay too.
Thanks again for the kind offer TX!

 

[jmick]

Fiscal responsibility, not god will help to erase Rykna’s 45k debt (what’s really scary is that they probably pay like 24-30% interest and unless they have some cash to start paying bills their debt will only continue to go up). I’m sorry, it annoys me when people throw god around like it’s going to help a damn thing. Perhaps if they had some damn sense and responsibility they would not be in the mess they are in. I do feel bad and I think it’s criminal they way credit card companies prey on people but they didn’t help themselves either. Throwing god around may help you feel good about yourself but it’s not going to do a thing for Rykna.

 

[sign guy]

im speechless