What's up y'all??? My story...

[lovethesea]

Holy heck.....sorry to hear about this!! You obviously have had a feeling in your gut about this. (otherwise you would not have been looking at your cell phone bill??) Trust takes years to build and seconds to destroy.
I am sure she did not set out to destroy her life/marriage. I think people who do this kind of thing have many issues with security, self, etc.....it does not excuse the act. Some people can work through these things, but I think ultimately the trust has been broken.
Hopefully she will stay this agreeable. Once child support, jobs, homes, etc start to sink in, she may change her tune. (as a lawyer I am sure you know)
She may not like the idea of being a single working mom and you could become the target. I hate it when I hear of parents venting their anger by calling the spouse every name in the book and tell the child how horrible mommy/daddy is !
I am with you Crimz....don't cheat. End it. I hear of this stuff daily. It is so sickening that people do this. Don't drag the misery out and end up hurting everyone. The spouse/kids being cheated on does not derseve it. At least she wasn't prego. (my 12 year old has a friend whos mom got prego with another mans child

)
good luck, keep positive and focused on those babies.....that is all that matters right now.

 

[t316]

Wow...I leave for a weekend and a bro is single.
Flame me if you will, but after the initial read, I am not totally shocked. Remember the 'where is crimzy' thread not to long ago? Something was telling me that all was not right. After seeing the thread about "cleaning" and "girls night out", this makes sense. I was thinking to myself that this is really a sociable couple, or somethings not right. In all sincerity, I am so sorry for you. What else do you say to someone without sugar coating it? This is the ultimate daggar. And for the record, I am 150% behind Crimzy, in that there are a lot of things a couple can work thru, but this ain't one of them. It's done, you cannot reverse it, let's be friends and move on....
Sorry for the blunt repy. Maybe I'll read more detail tomorrow.....

 

[reefraff]

Originally Posted by crimzy
http:///forum/post/3063719
Thanks all for the replies... I have to admit that I underestimated most of the people on this board. Your comments have been very insightful.
A lot of people have suggested that it is possible to reconcile after something like this. However it's not possible for me. The worst part of this situation for me (finding out) is over... now it's time to look forward to better things.
You gotta go with your gut. It is possible in time you might have a change of heart so while I wouldn't act like a married man I wouldn't burn any bridges either. You seem to be a pretty dedicated dad so I am sure you plan on being as friendly as possible with the ex anyway.
Now that you are a bachelor again I am sure you need some household items. I would suggest a dishwasher as the first thing you need to acquire. You can save money buying used stuff, I would get one 18 to 25 years old and if you are lucky she will do windows too.

 

[sepulatian]

Crimzy, I am so incredibly sorry. As everyone has mentioned, you will be fine in time. It is very hard to deal with, especially with children involved. I left my ex husband two and a half years ago. The first year was rough, no doubt. You move on in time though.

 

[crimzy]

Originally Posted by reefraff
http:///forum/post/3064114
You can save money buying used stuff, I would get one 18 to 25 years old and if you are lucky she will do windows too.

On it... you'd be surprised at how well this vulnerable soul crap works. Like taking candy from a baby.

It's going to be an interesting situation. She needs to move back in until she can rent a house... says her parents are not going to let her stay there anymore, (which I don't believe). Living with her while the divorce and all this other mess is going on... what a freaking mess!
Anyway, thanks again all. I'm not the first this has happened to and I won't be the last...

 

[t316]

Just had time to re-read and pick up the details. You seem to be extremely calm here. Either you really are, or you are really selecting your words. Either way, hats off to you for that. And letting her back in the house

, you are a nice guy.
Best of luck as you move thru this.
T3

 

[scotts]

Crimzy, Everyone else has wise words for you and all I can think to say is WOW man that sucks! Sounds like did all you could do to make it work and it just didn't.
See my thread and may I offer you a puppy? Just think you pushing stroller holding a puppy on a leash. The women will be all over you like stink on....... Never mind let's just say you will be a babe magnet!

 

[ironeagle2006]

Crimz if you can afford it since more than likely you will b e paying Alimony anyway rent her A HOUSE on your own and SAY HERE YOU GO. This way she is out of the house and can not do anything to undermine your case PLUS it would help you in the eyes of the COURT when it comes time for the divorce to be final. My wifes ex found that out he threw her out with a 4 month old and let me tell you my wife was not going for support and the judge told him BE GLAD she is not since she made more than he did. If she had she would have gotten 50% of his pre tax income for 3 years and then 100 a week for child support til their son turned 18.

 

[meowzer]

I agree with the above....do not let her back in.....I think it will be harder to get her out later..and more costly

 

[crimzy]

Originally Posted by ironeagle2006
http:///forum/post/3064233
Crimz if you can afford it since more than likely you will b e paying Alimony anyway rent her A HOUSE on your own and SAY HERE YOU GO. This way she is out of the house and can not do anything to undermine your case PLUS it would help you in the eyes of the COURT when it comes time for the divorce to be final. My wifes ex found that out he threw her out with a 4 month old and let me tell you my wife was not going for support and the judge told him BE GLAD she is not since she made more than he did. If she had she would have gotten 50% of his pre tax income for 3 years and then 100 a week for child support til their son turned 18.

Originally Posted by meowzer
http:///forum/post/3064235
I agree with the above....do not let her back in.....I think it will be harder to get her out later..and more costly
This is not bad advice. Our situation is a little different... we are trying to work this out amicably. We sat down on Saturday, went over all the numbers and talked about what each of us need. We came up with a tentative idea as far as dollars that we both have to mull over. Well today I talked with an attorney friend of mine and discovered that my child support will be much lower than I expected because we will have 50/50 joint custody. So now, our proposed deal appears to be more favorable to her than I need to make it. When I say "favorable", she wouldn't have much, but would have a house, enough to survive and have no debt.
So my issue is, do we do this quickly and amicably, even though I may pay more than I need to. Or do I say screw it... you messed up and now I don't really care how you end up. Then we would probably have to fight this thing out for a long time...
It's not really that much of an issue... I want to get this done quickly. I don't want my kids, or even me to be dragged through an emotionally difficult, ugly divorce just to save a few bucks. And as I said before, I still love her... I don't really want her living in a small apartment with the kids, or have to go into bankruptcy. My anger's taking a backseat... I just want to move on to better things now.

 

[t316]

Are you feeling "sorry" for her? Not knocking you, just asking, because this sounds like it.

 

[scotts]

Or do I say screw it... you messed up and now I don't really care how you end up.
I have not been through this so what I say is my opinion and not based on any fact. But just remember what you do to her you also do to your kids. Give her just enough to live on and you are also giving your kids just enough to live on.
The only problem is will she spend the money on the kids or on herself.

 

[reefraff]

Originally Posted by crimzy
http:///forum/post/3064211

On it... you'd be surprised at how well this vulnerable soul crap works. Like taking candy from a baby.

It's going to be an interesting situation. She needs to move back in until she can rent a house... says her parents are not going to let her stay there anymore, (which I don't believe). Living with her while the divorce and all this other mess is going on... what a freaking mess!
Anyway, thanks again all. I'm not the first this has happened to and I won't be the last...

OK Now this particular situation I have some experience with. Once me and the ex decided it was over we were going to both be living in the same apartment for like a month or so. WE GOT ALONG GREAT!!! The reason for our divorce was a lot different than yours but the neighbors couldn't believe it when we told them we were getting divorced and were moving. They were like "but you seem so happy". We answered in stereo "Yeah, were getting divorced, I'm happy".
Thing is you gotta make sure the kiddies understand this is only temporary (wife being back). Me and my ex lived as a married couple (if you know what I mean) right up till the very end. In hindsight I think that was pretty confusing for her kid who was about 7 at the time. If things get weird buy the ex a hotel room for a week or two until she finds a house.
Now you get to venture down the road of singleness as a 30 something (I assume). Get ready for an onslaught of single moms looking for the next Daddy, rapidly ticking biological clocks and skanks looking for a sugar daddy. Going for the 25 year olds is a better idea than you may know

 

[jtrzerocool]

sorry to hear about all of this crimzy...u and i dont talk much on the boards but i knew a little bit about your family from what you say on the boards...all i can say is that i hope every thing turns out better for you and the kids...i dont have any expierance in anything like this(i am 22 and have only been married for 1 year), but good luck in everything that comes up...

 

[reefraff]

Originally Posted by crimzy
http:///forum/post/3064241
This is not bad advice. Our situation is a little different... we are trying to work this out amicably. We sat down on Saturday, went over all the numbers and talked about what each of us need. We came up with a tentative idea as far as dollars that we both have to mull over. Well today I talked with an attorney friend of mine and discovered that my child support will be much lower than I expected because we will have 50/50 joint custody. So now, our proposed deal appears to be more favorable to her than I need to make it. When I say "favorable", she wouldn't have much, but would have a house, enough to survive and have no debt.
So my issue is, do we do this quickly and amicably, even though I may pay more than I need to. Or do I say screw it... you messed up and now I don't really care how you end up. Then we would probably have to fight this thing out for a long time...
It's not really that much of an issue... I want to get this done quickly. I don't want my kids, or even me to be dragged through an emotionally difficult, ugly divorce just to save a few bucks. And as I said before, I still love her... I don't really want her living in a small apartment with the kids, or have to go into bankruptcy. My anger's taking a backseat... I just want to move on to better things now.

Don't give her a red cent more than you have to alimony wise. I would go for whatever the appropriate amount of child support is and agree to pay her X extra the first year then you can continue or not based on the situation in a year. You don't want to get yourself into a position of being legally required to help her pay rent on a house she moves a boyfriend into.
Also don't discount the fact the ex might be reading your posts here or elsewhere, I wouldn't reveal a whole lot of strategy on line.

 

[meowzer]

Don't give her a red cent more than you have to alimony wise.
ALIMONY

Why should she get alimony..she is the one who cheated.
I don't get how that works.....I was lucky I got child support (for 4 kids) and my ex was the drunken cheater wife abuser....
SORRY...Just curious about that one....

 

[reefraff]

Originally Posted by meowzer
http:///forum/post/3064320
ALIMONY

Why should she get alimony..she is the one who cheated.
I don't get how that works.....I was lucky I got child support (for 4 kids) and my ex was the drunken cheater wife abuser....
SORRY...Just curious about that one....
If she was working full time at a job considered a career she shouldn't. If she put her career on hold to have the kids and has only recently gone back to work she might get some.

 

[crimzy]

Originally Posted by reefraff
http:///forum/post/3064308
Don't give her a red cent more than you have to alimony wise. I would go for whatever the appropriate amount of child support is and agree to pay her X extra the first year then you can continue or not based on the situation in a year. You don't want to get yourself into a position of being legally required to help her pay rent on a house she moves a boyfriend into.
Also don't discount the fact the ex might be reading your posts here or elsewhere, I wouldn't reveal a whole lot of strategy on line.

Originally Posted by meowzer
http:///forum/post/3064320
ALIMONY

Why should she get alimony..she is the one who cheated.
I don't get how that works.....I was lucky I got child support (for 4 kids) and my ex was the drunken cheater wife abuser....
SORRY...Just curious about that one....
Actually I could care less if she were to read this. I am open with her about everything I think/feel. The only problem with spousal support is that there are no guidelines... there is always risk that the judge may minimize the infidelity and order something ridiculous because I make a lot more money than her. However a judge could also side with me and give her half of the debt, (which includes a house that has lost about $100K in value in the last 2 years), and just order me to take care of my children. However to get to either result, wife and I would have to fight this out for the next 12-18 months, pay $15K or so each for attorneys and make our kids lives miserable. Then we would also get to air our dirty laundry in court, (which is not as fun as it sounds).
Fortunately, I am in a position where I can take on all her debt, give her enough to rent a decent house, have a car, pay bills... and it won't kill me. And beyond any of these expenses, I'd also be the one putting money away for the kids to go to college and grad school. But that's life. I'm fortunate that I can keep her head above water without being financially destroyed. And of course, anything I give her above child support would be conditioned that it would end immediately if she lives with someone or gets remarried.

 

[meowzer]

I have to say Crimz....you are handling this extremely well...I am glad to hear that your thoughts begin and end with the well-being of your children....I wish all men (and women too) thought that way....
I wish you the best, and I hope this goes smooth for you....

 

[el guapo]

Your going to end up fighting this out sooner or later . My opinion is to just get it done and over with . Take her to court give her only what the court says is fair . She has not extended you the same courtesy as to treat you fair and just . Don't let your children be used against you if even by your self . They deserve a nice big house to live in but that can be at your house . Let mom shack up in an apartment why should you make life nice for her and her new fella (I'll tell you it still stings me seeing my ex's new fella driving MY truck) ? I know you want to keep it nice and clean but it won't stay that way . You have to much that shes not going to be willing to part with .
As far as her coming home ... Don't do it . Tell her the kids are welcome to stay there but she is not . If her parents won't let her stay with them , TOUGH. She needs to go stay with a GF or the fella she was cheating with . If she refuses to let you see the kids file and emergency motion with the court asking for full custody bassed on the fact that she is emotional unfit to supervise them then show up at her parents with the police and take the kids . If your kids are already in daycare great but if not you need to put them in the daycare that is most suited to you dropping them off on YOUR way to work . Between YOUR house and your work . Trust me friend she won't hesitate to get dirty with you when the time comes and she wants more .

She has been lying to you and she will continue to lie to you to get what she wants . Don't be a victim of hers any longer .