K
kikithemermaid
Guest
But he hasn't hurt me (yet?!!)...thank you though.
bionicarm
Active Member
If you attend a church, go speak with your priest or pastor about the situation. He can provide guideance and suggestions on how to deal with the situation. If you don't want to go that route, try finding a family counselor or psychiatrist and speak with them. You stated you're bipolar, so I assume you are seeing or have seen a psychiatrist for your condition? Set up an appointment and go speak with him/her.
Sounds like the trauma with this fire evacuation has set something off with your relationship with your fiance. I assume either the stress from being away from your home, not knowing what's happened to your home, etc. has caused your fiance to be more beligerant, leading him to drink and 'llght up' more than he usually does. Traumatic events have a way of bringing out the demons and bad personalities of people. If you both truly love one another, you need to seek professional help. He needs to face his addictions, and you or his family members may have to resort to an intervention. It may come down to giving him an ultimatum - either seek help, or move out. It may seem harsh, but based on what you're saying about your relationship. I wouldn't marry the guy until these issues are resolved.
Sounds like the trauma with this fire evacuation has set something off with your relationship with your fiance. I assume either the stress from being away from your home, not knowing what's happened to your home, etc. has caused your fiance to be more beligerant, leading him to drink and 'llght up' more than he usually does. Traumatic events have a way of bringing out the demons and bad personalities of people. If you both truly love one another, you need to seek professional help. He needs to face his addictions, and you or his family members may have to resort to an intervention. It may come down to giving him an ultimatum - either seek help, or move out. It may seem harsh, but based on what you're saying about your relationship. I wouldn't marry the guy until these issues are resolved.
orion3814
Member
Originally Posted by kikithemermaid
http:///forum/post/3040584
Yes, we've lived together for a year and a half. We get un-evacuated tonight.
I feel like I can't do any better. Like I'd regret it for the rest of my life.
its not a matter of doing better, its a matter of well being.. u dont have to be with anyone to do better n life there is one person you can truely rely on and its yourself.
Originally Posted by kikithemermaid
http:///forum/post/3040604
But he told me he'd never hurt me. I mean, he screams at me a lot but he hasn't physically hurt me.
abuse is abuse period exclamation.!
my wife and i talk to eachother in a respectful manner, and as soon as we know that manner is being overlooked we take a time out... we respect each other enough not to yell at eachother over lil bs things. thats why we have a great relationship although it is not perfect we still love and respect eachother..
when i was growing up i seen what an abusive alcoholic can do in a relations ship, and family.. aka my ass hole bio father. bastage would come home drunk beat my mom and then ask me if i wanted to be next... not cool!! thats what it all escalated into before mom had my sister, and had enough of the abuse, so we moved back to the farm here in oklahoma with family that cared and loved us. mom done it all herself with minimal help from others with 2 kids a newborn and a 5 year old.. please dont put your self in that situation its not good..
my opinion is that if he truely loves you he will stop all the bad boy stuff and seek counseling.. and you both should seek marriage counseling before you even tie the knot. and remember there is always better but are you just willing to settle for a dirt bag because you don't wanna try no more
come on out to Oklahoma there are a lot of good fellers here lol.. but i am sure there are a lot there as well just gotta dig a lil bit..
i hope the lil bit i say can help but you wont get help unless you ask for it... ya came on here askin for help we are trying to point you to the right direction.. you can lead a horse to water but cant make it drink...
http:///forum/post/3040584
Yes, we've lived together for a year and a half. We get un-evacuated tonight.
I feel like I can't do any better. Like I'd regret it for the rest of my life.
its not a matter of doing better, its a matter of well being.. u dont have to be with anyone to do better n life there is one person you can truely rely on and its yourself.
Originally Posted by kikithemermaid
http:///forum/post/3040604
But he told me he'd never hurt me. I mean, he screams at me a lot but he hasn't physically hurt me.
abuse is abuse period exclamation.!
my wife and i talk to eachother in a respectful manner, and as soon as we know that manner is being overlooked we take a time out... we respect each other enough not to yell at eachother over lil bs things. thats why we have a great relationship although it is not perfect we still love and respect eachother..
when i was growing up i seen what an abusive alcoholic can do in a relations ship, and family.. aka my ass hole bio father. bastage would come home drunk beat my mom and then ask me if i wanted to be next... not cool!! thats what it all escalated into before mom had my sister, and had enough of the abuse, so we moved back to the farm here in oklahoma with family that cared and loved us. mom done it all herself with minimal help from others with 2 kids a newborn and a 5 year old.. please dont put your self in that situation its not good..
my opinion is that if he truely loves you he will stop all the bad boy stuff and seek counseling.. and you both should seek marriage counseling before you even tie the knot. and remember there is always better but are you just willing to settle for a dirt bag because you don't wanna try no more
come on out to Oklahoma there are a lot of good fellers here lol.. but i am sure there are a lot there as well just gotta dig a lil bit..
i hope the lil bit i say can help but you wont get help unless you ask for it... ya came on here askin for help we are trying to point you to the right direction.. you can lead a horse to water but cant make it drink...
meowzer
Moderator
Originally Posted by kikithemermaid
http:///forum/post/3040578
My family would freak out and tell me not to marry him.
He's addicted to pot, too.
RUN RUN
Originally Posted by kikithemermaid
http:///forum/post/3040604
But he told me he'd never hurt me. I mean, he screams at me a lot but he hasn't physically hurt me.
KIKI...everytime he drinks, smokes, and screams he is hurting you.
I was with someone like that....BUT I had children with him...FOUR!!!!
I thought I was trapped too....The only difference I see here, is he did become violent and physically abusive....I thought I had to stay cause of the kids....BUT then I realized this type of relationship was hurting them as much as me....he was not physical with them (yet) BUT the constant screaming, smashing of stuff, and of course my own abuse was no way for them (OR I) to live....I put up with this for almost 10 years.....
PLEASE do not think you can change him....only HE can change himself, and I will never say that can not happen...BUT HE HAS TO WANT IT....You can not will him to change either.
My ex is still a drunk, and still a violent person....I actually moved to OK to get away from him....
What you will regret for the rest of your life...is putting up with this....and not being able to get this part of your life back....
I really think you should go talk to someone, do you not see someone with your bi-polar?
GOOD LUCK, and if you really need to talk to someone who has been thru this...I'm here
http:///forum/post/3040578
My family would freak out and tell me not to marry him.
He's addicted to pot, too.
RUN RUN
Originally Posted by kikithemermaid
http:///forum/post/3040604
But he told me he'd never hurt me. I mean, he screams at me a lot but he hasn't physically hurt me.
KIKI...everytime he drinks, smokes, and screams he is hurting you.
I was with someone like that....BUT I had children with him...FOUR!!!!
I thought I was trapped too....The only difference I see here, is he did become violent and physically abusive....I thought I had to stay cause of the kids....BUT then I realized this type of relationship was hurting them as much as me....he was not physical with them (yet) BUT the constant screaming, smashing of stuff, and of course my own abuse was no way for them (OR I) to live....I put up with this for almost 10 years.....
PLEASE do not think you can change him....only HE can change himself, and I will never say that can not happen...BUT HE HAS TO WANT IT....You can not will him to change either.
My ex is still a drunk, and still a violent person....I actually moved to OK to get away from him....
What you will regret for the rest of your life...is putting up with this....and not being able to get this part of your life back....
I really think you should go talk to someone, do you not see someone with your bi-polar?
GOOD LUCK, and if you really need to talk to someone who has been thru this...I'm here
meowzer
Moderator
You know KIKI...I just thought of something else....ANOTHER of the biggest mistakes I ever made was hiding all this from my family....I realize now that I really could have used their support, and had I had it....well maybe I would not have been in this abusive relationship so long....
The only good thing that came from this was my children......
The only good thing that came from this was my children......
crimzy
Active Member
Just realize this... this period of your life, the engagement, should be the honeymoon period. This should be euphoric and fun. It only gets harder from here.
If you stay, you get married and possibly have children. The issues will generally get worse over time, not better. So imagine yourself 5 years down the road... married, possibly with a kid or two. He will no longer be trying to court you. The stress of marriage and family will build.
Trust me... marriage is very hard when you don't have those type of issues to deal with. A divorce with, potentially, the dissolution of an intact family is infinitely harder than leaving now would be. In truth, you could walk away now and not look back. After you get married, you can't say the same thing.
Good luck.
If you stay, you get married and possibly have children. The issues will generally get worse over time, not better. So imagine yourself 5 years down the road... married, possibly with a kid or two. He will no longer be trying to court you. The stress of marriage and family will build.
Trust me... marriage is very hard when you don't have those type of issues to deal with. A divorce with, potentially, the dissolution of an intact family is infinitely harder than leaving now would be. In truth, you could walk away now and not look back. After you get married, you can't say the same thing.
Good luck.
K
kikithemermaid
Guest
I will talk to my psychiatrist about it, but I don't see him for 3 weeks.
This morning I talked to my fiance about therapy, and he said maybe it is a good idea.
This morning I talked to my fiance about therapy, and he said maybe it is a good idea.
renogaw
Active Member
Originally Posted by kikithemermaid
http:///forum/post/3040676
I will talk to my psychiatrist about it, but I don't see him for 3 weeks.
This morning I talked to my fiance about therapy, and he said maybe it is a good idea.
so call the psychiatrist... i'm sure they'd let you in earlier than 3 weeks from now.
everyone is telling you what you already know.
Therapy with your fiance will work for a while, but then he'll stop going, you'll stop going, and you'll be right back where you started
http:///forum/post/3040676
I will talk to my psychiatrist about it, but I don't see him for 3 weeks.
This morning I talked to my fiance about therapy, and he said maybe it is a good idea.
so call the psychiatrist... i'm sure they'd let you in earlier than 3 weeks from now.
everyone is telling you what you already know.
Therapy with your fiance will work for a while, but then he'll stop going, you'll stop going, and you'll be right back where you started
sepulatian
Moderator
As everyone has said, it is not going to get better on it's own. My ex was a heavy drinker and liked to smash everything with very little setting him off. One time it was because HE was so drunk that HE dropped his plate of food. He then decided to trash and smash everything in the entire kitchen before passing out, leaving me to clean it all. I was with him for 10 years. I finally kicked him out after he tried to kill my Jack Russel with a fire poker while I screamed and cried for him to stop... it was not a pretty night. I had warned him for years that he was destroying our relationship. I stuck around thinking that as he got older he would calm down and stop. He didn't, things just got worse. It was not easy to leave him, but I had to. It was rough at first and we spent almost a year trying to work things out. He had quit drinking but things still didn't work. I never looked at him the same way after that night. Now I am very glad that I got out when I did.
meowzer
Moderator
Originally Posted by kikithemermaid
http:///forum/post/3040676
I will talk to my psychiatrist about it, but I don't see him for 3 weeks.
This morning I talked to my fiance about therapy, and he said maybe it is a good idea.
KIKI,
He has to realize there is a problem....not just you, and a lot of times they will say whatever you want to hear.....
I will NOT say therapy does not work...there are A LOT of alcoholics out there that control their addiction, BUT you also have the drug and violence issue to deal with.
I know what it is like to feel like you do...I made excuse after excuse....But like I said...I had children...
let him research and locate a program...if he really wants this HE needs to do it.....
http:///forum/post/3040676
I will talk to my psychiatrist about it, but I don't see him for 3 weeks.
This morning I talked to my fiance about therapy, and he said maybe it is a good idea.
KIKI,
He has to realize there is a problem....not just you, and a lot of times they will say whatever you want to hear.....
I will NOT say therapy does not work...there are A LOT of alcoholics out there that control their addiction, BUT you also have the drug and violence issue to deal with.
I know what it is like to feel like you do...I made excuse after excuse....But like I said...I had children...
let him research and locate a program...if he really wants this HE needs to do it.....
crimzy
Active Member
Originally Posted by sepulatian
http:///forum/post/3040697
As everyone has said, it is not going to get better on it's own. My ex was a heavy drinker and liked to smash everything with very little setting him off. One time it was because HE was so drunk that HE dropped his plate of food. He then decided to trash and smash everything in the entire kitchen before passing out, leaving me to clean it all. I was with him for 10 years. I finally kicked him out after he tried to kill my Jack Russel with a fire poker while I screamed and cried for him to stop... it was not a pretty night. I had warned him for years that he was destroying our relationship. I stuck around thinking that as he got older he would calm down and stop. He didn't, things just got worse. It was not easy to leave him, but I had to. It was rough at first and we spent almost a year trying to work things out. He had quit drinking but things still didn't work. I never looked at him the same way after that night. Now I am very glad that I got out when I did.
At some point, you just have to ban the trouble makers. Did you sign the divorce papers with your infamous red pen?
http:///forum/post/3040697
As everyone has said, it is not going to get better on it's own. My ex was a heavy drinker and liked to smash everything with very little setting him off. One time it was because HE was so drunk that HE dropped his plate of food. He then decided to trash and smash everything in the entire kitchen before passing out, leaving me to clean it all. I was with him for 10 years. I finally kicked him out after he tried to kill my Jack Russel with a fire poker while I screamed and cried for him to stop... it was not a pretty night. I had warned him for years that he was destroying our relationship. I stuck around thinking that as he got older he would calm down and stop. He didn't, things just got worse. It was not easy to leave him, but I had to. It was rough at first and we spent almost a year trying to work things out. He had quit drinking but things still didn't work. I never looked at him the same way after that night. Now I am very glad that I got out when I did.
At some point, you just have to ban the trouble makers. Did you sign the divorce papers with your infamous red pen?
K
kikithemermaid
Guest
He keeps saying pot is barely a drug and to shut up about it.
flower
Well-Known Member
Originally Posted by kikithemermaid
http:///forum/post/3040568
has turned into a violent alcoholic and refuses help. I don't know what to do. He screamed I have to accept him as he is, but that means me getting hurt.
I know what I should do. But I can't do it.
Sweet girl, I have been there and even if he were to "get help" he would still have slip ups. You do not want to marry this man.
Think about your future, the children you would have, and all the pain and heartache. He has nothing to offer you but pain and sorrow.
You are a beautiful young woman (I saw your picture) you can do much better than a violent alcoholic. you deserve better, and you will be sooo glad you did not marry him, and sooo sorry if you do.
It will not get better, a leopard can't change his spots.
If he is violent do not break the news to him while you are alone, make sure someone is there with you. make a clean break, no mixed signals.
I am so sorry, I know how happy you were to share your engagement. Do not waste your years on this man. He is not good husband material. He is absolutely right... you must accept him for what he is. You can't change him, you would spend years trying to no avail, and believe me you won't be happy with him on down the road.
http:///forum/post/3040568
has turned into a violent alcoholic and refuses help. I don't know what to do. He screamed I have to accept him as he is, but that means me getting hurt.
I know what I should do. But I can't do it.
Sweet girl, I have been there and even if he were to "get help" he would still have slip ups. You do not want to marry this man.
Think about your future, the children you would have, and all the pain and heartache. He has nothing to offer you but pain and sorrow.
You are a beautiful young woman (I saw your picture) you can do much better than a violent alcoholic. you deserve better, and you will be sooo glad you did not marry him, and sooo sorry if you do.
It will not get better, a leopard can't change his spots.
If he is violent do not break the news to him while you are alone, make sure someone is there with you. make a clean break, no mixed signals.
I am so sorry, I know how happy you were to share your engagement. Do not waste your years on this man. He is not good husband material. He is absolutely right... you must accept him for what he is. You can't change him, you would spend years trying to no avail, and believe me you won't be happy with him on down the road.
meowzer
Moderator
Originally Posted by kikithemermaid
http:///forum/post/3040715
He keeps saying pot is barely a drug and to shut up about it.
That should be a sign for you right there....
http:///forum/post/3040715
He keeps saying pot is barely a drug and to shut up about it.
That should be a sign for you right there....
renogaw
Active Member
oh goodness, i checked your profile so i could see your pic you posted...
you're 21??? you need to dump this guy immediately... you've got so much ahead for you in your life you don't need this. Plus i saw your picture of your a$s and you, you'll find someone easily enough. just expect better, or heck, just go to a college and get some college fraternity pledge... and you'll be fine.
you're 21??? you need to dump this guy immediately... you've got so much ahead for you in your life you don't need this. Plus i saw your picture of your a$s and you, you'll find someone easily enough. just expect better, or heck, just go to a college and get some college fraternity pledge...
and you'll be fine.
crimzy
Active Member
Originally Posted by Flower
http:///forum/post/3040717
Sweet girl, I have been there and even if he were to "get help" he would still have slip ups. You do not want to marry this man.
Think about your future, the children you would have, and all the pain and heartache. He has nothing to offer you but pain and sorrow.
You are a beautiful young woman (I saw your picture) you can do much better than a violent alcoholic. you deserve better, and you will be sooo glad you did not marry him, and sooo sorry if you do.
It will not get better, a leopard can't change his spots.
If he is violent do not break the news to him while you are alone, make sure someone is there with you. make a clean break, no mixed signals.
I am so sorry, I know how happy you were to share your engagement. Do not waste your years on this man. He is not good husband material. He is absolutely right... you must accept him for what he is. You can't change him, you would spend years trying to no avail, and believe me you won't be happy with him on down the road.
Flower... you're awesome!!
http:///forum/post/3040717
Sweet girl, I have been there and even if he were to "get help" he would still have slip ups. You do not want to marry this man.
Think about your future, the children you would have, and all the pain and heartache. He has nothing to offer you but pain and sorrow.
You are a beautiful young woman (I saw your picture) you can do much better than a violent alcoholic. you deserve better, and you will be sooo glad you did not marry him, and sooo sorry if you do.
It will not get better, a leopard can't change his spots.
If he is violent do not break the news to him while you are alone, make sure someone is there with you. make a clean break, no mixed signals.
I am so sorry, I know how happy you were to share your engagement. Do not waste your years on this man. He is not good husband material. He is absolutely right... you must accept him for what he is. You can't change him, you would spend years trying to no avail, and believe me you won't be happy with him on down the road.
Flower... you're awesome!!
jennythebugg
Active Member
kick him to the curb kiki, trust me you don't want to be legally tied to this guy , abusers don't change
el guapo
Active Member
Just punch him right in the mouth next time he starts yelling . As hard as you can then when he's laying there on the floor with blood pouring out of his mouth . You toss him a towel and tell him YELLING is not allowed . Then kick him square in the baby makers and tell him neither is drinking or smoking pot . Then had him a bag of ice and tell him to pack his crap and get out .
pezenfuego
Active Member
Originally Posted by EL GUAPO
http:///forum/post/3040863
Just punch him right in the mouth next time he starts yelling . As hard as you can then when he's laying there on the floor with blood pouring out of his mouth . You toss him a towel and tell him YELLING is not allowed . Then kick him square in the baby makers and tell him neither is drinking or smoking pot . Then had him a bag of ice and tell him to pack his crap and get out .
If I remember correctly, her husband is considerably bigger than her. She seems like she's a strong woman, but personally I wouldn't punch a drunk guy that big.
http:///forum/post/3040863
Just punch him right in the mouth next time he starts yelling . As hard as you can then when he's laying there on the floor with blood pouring out of his mouth . You toss him a towel and tell him YELLING is not allowed . Then kick him square in the baby makers and tell him neither is drinking or smoking pot . Then had him a bag of ice and tell him to pack his crap and get out .
If I remember correctly, her husband is considerably bigger than her. She seems like she's a strong woman, but personally I wouldn't punch a drunk guy that big.