My fiance...

el guapo

el guapo

Active Member
Originally Posted by PEZenfuego
http:///forum/post/3040866
If I remember correctly, her husband is considerably bigger than her. She seems like she's a strong woman, but personally I wouldn't punch a drunk guy that big.

And what would you do ? Bake him a cake in the microwave ?
 
reefforbrains

reefforbrains

Active Member
Kiki-
I think you should just shut up and do what he says. If he gets angry it is probably because you aren't doing something correctly. You need to try harder. He only yells at you because sometimes women arent smart enough to understand how he is thinking. You should feel ashamed for not being able to relate to his emotions. A good wife would be able to.
You have no business telling him about his smoking pot or drinking since he is a man and can make his own choices. You just need to deal with it.

[hr]
ok ready for the direct approach?
The guy is a dirtbag, you attract dirtbags.
Unless YOU change, then you will just replace this guy with the next guy. You are making excuses for him already, you are rationalizing behaviors with abstract logic under the pretense that it will get better if you ignore it.
Everyone wants to be happy, everyone wants swirling romance and laughs until it hurts your sides. Do not settle. You ARE young. When time goes on as you look back you will see how you do NOT regret not being involved with him. You should THANK this guy for teaching you what you want in a man. You want patience, you want someone that would never dream of yelling at you. You want someone that ALSO thinks drug addicts are losers.
Either leave him...or heck, just marry him and smile. But I would suggest if you do get married to buy paper plates and not get attached to fragile items.
You know what to do, just stop saysing phrases like, "I cant", or "I dont know how"
Be good, and live life. He will change.....or he won't. Not up to you.
You will change...or you won't. Completly up to you. Stop letting other people define your abilities or self worth.
Is it not sad that everyone else sees it?
Good luck with your choice.
 
scotts

scotts

Active Member
OK, I am an alcoholic. You need to break up with him. At the very least, you need to call off the wedding. IF he gets sober he needs to be sober for 6 months before you can think about marrying him again. It will take his brain at least that long to clear itself out before he thinks straight. This is of course giving him the benefit of the doubt, that he will realize he has a problem and clean up.
However it sounds like this guy is not realizing that he has a problem and does not want and will not get help. So you need to do what is best for you at this early stage in your life and find yourself the good guy that you deserve.
Also remember when you "talk" to him and he tells you how good things are , he is lying to you. He is either stoned or drunk and he is only telling you what he thinks you want to hear.
Scott
 
bigarn

bigarn

Active Member
Originally Posted by ReefForBrains
http:///forum/post/3040903
Kiki-
I think you should just shut up and do what he says. If he gets angry it is probably because you aren't doing something correctly. You need to try harder. He only yells at you because sometimes women arent smart enough to understand how he is thinking. You should feel ashamed for not being able to relate to his emotions. A good wife would be able to.
You have no business telling him about his smoking pot or drinking since he is a man and can make his own choices. You just need to deal with it.

[hr]
ok ready for the direct approach?
The guy is a dirtbag, you attract dirtbags.
Unless YOU change, then you will just replace this guy with the next guy. You are making excuses for him already, you are rationalizing behaviors with abstract logic under the pretense that it will get better if you ignore it.
Everyone wants to be happy, everyone wants swirling romance and laughs until it hurts your sides. Do not settle. You ARE young. When time goes on as you look back you will see how you do NOT regret not being involved with him. You should THANK this guy for teaching you what you want in a man. You want patience, you want someone that would never dream of yelling at you. You want someone that ALSO thinks drug addicts are losers.
Either leave him...or heck, just marry him and smile. But I would suggest if you do get married to buy paper plates and not get attached to fragile items.
You know what to do, just stop saysing phrases like, "I cant", or "I dont know how"
Be good, and live life. He will change.....or he won't. Not up to you.
You will change...or you won't. Completly up to you. Stop letting other people define your abilities or self worth.
Is it not sad that everyone else sees it?
Good luck with your choice.
By the way ... This is called "Tough Love". Get with it Kiki!
 
ironeagle2006

ironeagle2006

Active Member
Kiki take it from someone that was married to an ABUSER. My ex wife was a control freak. She also abused me anyway you could think of and made me think it was always MY fault after she got done beating me to a pulp somenights or doing things that I will not say here for the fact kids do get on here. I finally stopped feeling sorry for myself andrealized that there was more to life than this. I left her got that divorce I needed and never looked back at all. I met my 2nd wife online and we had seen each other also we realized at a mixer for survivors of domestic volince. What you so called fianice is doing to you is ABUSE and with you bipolar you do not need the mental pain he puts you thru.
Leave him or he will hurt you worse Mentally and it will get worse ABUSERS NEVER STOP UNTIL THEY PUT THE ONE THEY ARE ABUSING IN THE GROUND.
 
aquaknight

aquaknight

Active Member

Originally Posted by PEZenfuego
http:///forum/post/3040866
If I remember correctly, her husband is considerably bigger than her. She seems like she's a strong woman, but personally I wouldn't punch a drunk guy that big.
Good point. Might need to upgrade then, a heavy brass paperweight or the like should work....
Kiki, keep in mind it's better to have love and lost then to never have loved at all. If this guy was everything you've dreamed about in the beginning, he certainly isn't that now. Whether he's changed or you're just getting to see the real him, I dunno, but the bottomline is it's not worth it. You are better then that.
You're 21 and I'm guessing he's about the same. I'm 23, these are suppose to be the happy times in our lives. I can't even begin to fathom what could be so wrong in someone's life that need to abuse alcohol or use drugs. Reefforbrains post is a great one. In all seriousness, take it to heart.
 
meowzer

meowzer

Moderator
Some people are so rude...this is a 21 year old young woman who feels she can not go to her family....she has NO hard life experiences (YET) and unless you have lived through them...you can not imagine what it is like....You always want to see the bright side of things...I know that from experience also..sad though...for a lot of people there is no bright side......
This experience is going to hurt her a lot more than him cause he is either drunk or too stoned to care....she has to deal with the situation wide eyed and sober....
KIKI...I wish you all the best...be strong, and think of yourself first...go to your family...that's what they are there for...I wish I had done that way back when....
 
flower

flower

Well-Known Member
Originally Posted by crimzy
http:///forum/post/3040743
Flower... you're awesome!!

Thank you for your sweet words...but I am not awesome. I was Kiki 33 years ago. The first 12 years he was so horrible. My three little children were scared to death of him.
They grew up with holes in their cloths going to school because he needed all the money to pay bar tabs, stay out of jail or not working so we had nothing.
I couldn't even afford the school pictures. The children grew up and my poor daughter has so many issues there is not enough time to get into.
My boys grew up to be drunks as well. 33 years! I was 17 when we met. Now I am 50. My youth is gone, my nerves are frazzled. I weep as I write this. he was so not worth it.
If I could turn back time....for Kiki, there is hope of avoiding all of the pain. Because you know what, my story isn't even unique. Every woman married to a alcoholic, violent or otherwise has, or will live the same life.
Kiki is beautiful but she doesn't know it. Her low self esteem is his way in, it is his hold. I wish I could get her to understand...alone is better than with such a husband. Until young women realize this..they are doomed to keep the cycle going.
 
el guapo

el guapo

Active Member
Ok I'm not trying to be a jerk I am just noticing a bit of a pattern here kiki. I think you might want to talk to somebody about the things going on in your life . Somebody more in tune with helping people than the experts on an internet forum . You either have really bad luck or you need to talk to your Dr. I would guess its a little of both . Just in the past year some of the things you have brought up are more than a little alarming .
Originally Posted by kikithemermaid
http:///forum/post/2983858
Went to take the garbage out at 7 am, man with a baseball bat was waiting outside for me and knocked me out. Taken to ER because they thought I might have been assaulted, but OK. Very shaken up, but wasn't able to give good ID because he was wearing sunglasses.

CSI is at my house.

Originally Posted by kikithemermaid
http:///forum/post/3037166
We just had to evacuate. Anyone else live near SB, Goleta, etc? There's ash and smoke everywhere, and flames 200 feet high.


Originally Posted by kikithemermaid
http:///forum/post/3040584
Yes, we've lived together for a year and a half. We get un-evacuated tonight.
I feel like I can't do any better. Like I'd regret it for the rest of my life.
to go back 8 months ago to a locked thread .
"Long story short, my boyfriend and I went to Mexico last month for our three year anniversary and we broke up while we were there. So I (for some reason, I had to) moved out after we got home and moved in with another college student, Jade, who's around my age. She's really nice. Except...last week we got another room mate who is here from Sweden studying...she's older than us, 28. She's really really loud. Eats our food. Sings obnoxiously all the time, even at night. I could get over that.
....but get this.
SHE WALKS AROUND NA--ED . All the time. I mean, all the time. Sunbathing in the front yard. Cooking in the kitchen (isn't that a health hazard?!), doing the laundry, on the beach, you name it. She only puts on clothes for school.
My ex thinks it's hilarious, free p--n he calls it. But seriously, what do I do? Jade and I have no idea how to bring this up. "
I don't know you kiki but I can tell there is more going on than what your saying . Please please talk to somebody about the things going on around you .
 
scotts

scotts

Active Member
BTW, I guess I should mention that I have been sober for years, but I was never a mean drunk, I was the big blob on the couch drunk.
You know you could drop JTT a line, he is local and single............
 
meowzer

meowzer

Moderator
Originally Posted by Scotts
http:///forum/post/3041027
BTW, I guess I should mention that I have been sober for years, but I was never a mean drunk, I was the big blob on the couch drunk.
You know you could drop JTT a line, he is local and single............

Good for you....I truly believe that the ones who want to can do this...
 
ruaround

ruaround

Active Member
Originally Posted by EL GUAPO
http:///forum/post/3040957
Ok I'm not trying to be a jerk I am just noticing a bit of a pattern here kiki. I think you might want to talk to somebody about the things going on in your life . Somebody more in tune with helping people than the experts on an internet forum . You either have really bad luck or you need to talk to your Dr. I would guess its a little of both . Just in the past year some of the things you have brought up are more than a little alarming .
to go back 8 months ago to a locked thread .
"Long story short, my boyfriend and I went to Mexico last month for our three year anniversary and we broke up while we were there. So I (for some reason, I had to) moved out after we got home and moved in with another college student, Jade, who's around my age. She's really nice. Except...last week we got another room mate who is here from Sweden studying...she's older than us, 28. She's really really loud. Eats our food. Sings obnoxiously all the time, even at night. I could get over that.
....but get this.
SHE WALKS AROUND NA--ED . All the time. I mean, all the time. Sunbathing in the front yard. Cooking in the kitchen (isn't that a health hazard?!), doing the laundry, on the beach, you name it. She only puts on clothes for school.
My ex thinks it's hilarious, free p--n he calls it. But seriously, what do I do? Jade and I have no idea how to bring this up. "
I don't know you kiki but I can tell there is more going on than what your saying . Please please talk to somebody about the things going on around you .
https://www.saltwaterfish.com/vb/show...=335299&page=2 last post on page 2...
Originally Posted by kikithemermaid
http:///forum/post/2776423
My real name is Courtney. I am a marine biology major at college here in Santa Barbara. I work at an aquarium here and am also a violin teacher. I dance ballet professionally. I am 20 years old, I have 2 cats, a dog, and a 29 gal. I moved here from Chicago in December and really miss it.
Also...I have schizophrenia. That was hard for me to say, considering my last bf left me when he found out, but I'm trying to be more open about it.
 
flower

flower

Well-Known Member
Originally Posted by Scotts
http:///forum/post/3041027
BTW, I guess I should mention that I have been sober for years, but I was never a mean drunk, I was the big blob on the couch drunk.

My now X husband never, and I mean never, hit me either. I divorced him after 12 truly miserable years. I was always religious. The church convinced me that I should be back with my husband, so I remarried him on their say so.
He did indeed sober up and we had 15 good years without drugs and alcohol. 3 years ago he started again...now I divorced him. I am converted to Judaism and I won’t repeat the stupidity of remarrying him.
My daughter married a man who was sober for 10 years, he also went back to drinking. Her life is horrible now and she has 5 little kids all under 11 years old.

I am very glad you are sober and have been sober for years, still I wouldn't date you if you were the last man on earth.
an alcoholic is an alcoholic until the day they die, any day could be the day they fall. Maybe never, maybe tomorrow. There are other thrills in life other than sitting on the edge of my seat wondering if today is the day. This is the result of my own scars after years of abuse. You may not be a lost cause but I wouldn't be able to get past that. I know me.
What I screen for in a man today before I will even date:
I say ...is he a >
Alcoholic
Drug addict
gay
sick
lazy
uneducated
in debt beyond ability ot support themselves
Abusive (verbal / physical)
pedophile
X wife w/kids to support
under my own age
(if I learn of any other flaws, I will add them to my list)
Any man who can get past this list I will date.
I am just a bit jaded now, I figure I will die alone. loveless, my choice.
Mr. Perfect does not exist, I accept that.
 
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