Thought I'd Share A Laugh!

flower

flower

Well-Known Member
A man was given a parrot from a bartender. He brings the bird home. It begins to curse and say terrible things. The man makes a loud noise trying to distract the bird to no avail, so he takes the bird and puts it in a dark bedroom. The bird gets quiet, the begins to plead for the man to let him out and that he will be good. the man tells the bird that next time it’s the closet.
Sure enough the bird cuts up again…this time he moves the bird to the closet, the bird goes quiet, then begins to beg…please I will stop I promise. The man says okay but next time it’s the refrigerator for him.
A few days later the bird curses again…the man puts him in the refrigerator…after a few minutes he removes the shivering bird…”Are you going to stop cursing?” he asks the bird. “Yes” the bird replys “I have learned my lesson and never again will I ever curse, but I do have one question” …”What?” asks the man.
“What bad thing did the chicken in there do?”
And another....
A man was laying carpet, and was nearly finished except for cleaning up. Then he notices a lump right in the center of the carpet. He checks his breast pocket and sure enough his cigarettes are missing. No way was he going to lift the carpet for a lousy pack of cigarettes…he takes his rubber mallet out and BAM…BAM…BAM the lump is gone and nobody is the wiser.
He gets to his truck and there on the dashboard are his missing cigarettes, he noticed them and thought…what might the lump have been......The owner of the home comes out, and from the doorway yells out…"Sir, sir…Have you seen my tweety bird?"
 
reefraff

reefraff

Active Member
A guy is looking for a present for his wife's birthday. She's a beeechy hard to please woman so he's looking for a unusual gift. He decides to see if he can find an unusual pet and stops by a pet store.
He tells the owner what he's looking for and after pondering the owner says "well if you want a truly unusual pet I have something but I am a little hesitant to sell it". Finally he agrees to show the man the pet. It was the strangest looking bird the man had even seen. He asks the owner what it is. "it's an ungawa bird" the shop owner replies, "but it can be quite dangerous if not properly handled"
The man is quite interested by now and asks how much it costs. The shop owner says "2500.00 but I need to show you some things about the bird before I could sell it to you". The man had already decided 2500.00 was much more than he's be willing to pay but decided to see what the shop owner wanted to show him anyway.
The owner opens the cage door and walks over to a chair and says "Ungawa Bird, Ungawa this chair". To the man's amazement the rather large bird flies across the room and just annihilates the small chair. The man was quite impressed with what he saw and offered the shop owner 1500.00 for the bird saying he just couldn't afford more than that. The shop owner said "I couldn't sell the bird for less than 2500.00 but I am not sure you understand just how dangerous this bird could be" and decided to give the man another demonstration. He walks over to a rather substantial table and says Ungawa Bird, Ungawa this table. With that the bird flapped it's way to the table and within a matter of minutes had torn it into a pile of wood scraps.
After seeing that demonstration the customer told the shop owner he just had to have the bird and agreed to pay the full price. When the sale was completed the owner asked the man "Why is it you decided to pay the full amount for the bird after seeing how destructive it can be when at first you thought it was way too expensive?" The man replied "When I get it home I am going to let it out of the cage and tell my wife happy birthday, It's an Ungawa Bird to which she's going to say Ungawa Bird? Ungawa my azzzz"
 
rainbow grouper

rainbow grouper

Active Member
i've heard that joke before here is one of my favourites .
Theres an englishman a scottishman and a chinese man in a helicopter thats about to crash the scottishman sees his country says THERES SCOTLAND and then he jumps out. The englishman sees england and shouts out THERES ENGLAND and jumps out. Now the chinese man is like oh wheres my country wheres my country and then he gets fed up and throws out a cup and scaucer and goes THERES CHINA and jumps out.
 
flower

flower

Well-Known Member
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow grouper http:///t/387480/thought-i-d-share-a-laugh/100#post_3415288
i've heard that joke before here is one of my favourites .
Theres an englishman a scottishman and a chinese man in a helicopter thats about to crash the scottishman sees his country says THERES SCOTLAND and then he jumps out. The englishman sees england and shouts out THERES ENGLAND and jumps out. Now the chinese man is like oh wheres my country wheres my country and then he gets fed up and throws out a cup and scaucer and goes THERES CHINA and jumps out.
I will never trust your judgement again on what is a good or bad joke...that was awful.
 
reefraff

reefraff

Active Member
So you have a Boyscout, The Pope and Jesse Jackson on a private plane headed to a ceremony in Hawaii. About halfway there the pilot comes back with a Solon look on his face. He tells his passengers "I have horrible news, we have experienced a system failure and will lose power in about 5 minutes. We checked the locker and found only 2 passenger chutes have been loaded. The co pilot and I each have a chute. We have special training and it will take both of us in the water waiting for you when you land if you are to have any chance so neither of us can give up a chute". The pilot explained how to put on the chutes and set the plane to circle and left the 3 to decide who would get the two chutes as he and the co pilot jumped out.
So the Pope begins "well, I.." when he is interrupted by Jackson who says "Because of my superior intellect I am a leader of my race as well as a vital asset to society so I must survive". With that he grabs a chute and jumps out.
The pope turns to the boy and says "Son, I am a old man who has seen many wondrous things and I am ready to meet my maker so take the last parachute with my blessing". The boy says "We can both jump sir" to which the Pope says "no son, there is only one parachute left, it is not possible". The boy responds "no sir, The superior intellect who leads his race just jumped out with my backpack, there are still 2 parachutes".
 
travelerjp98

travelerjp98

Active Member
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow grouper http:///t/387480/thought-i-d-share-a-laugh/100#post_3415288
i've heard that joke before here is one of my favourites .
Theres an englishman a scottishman and a chinese man in a helicopter thats about to crash the scottishman sees his country says THERES SCOTLAND and then he jumps out. The englishman sees england and shouts out THERES ENGLAND and jumps out. Now the chinese man is like oh wheres my country wheres my country and then he gets fed up and throws out a cup and scaucer and goes THERES CHINA and jumps out.
I didn't get it--- what's so funny about it?
 
travelerjp98

travelerjp98

Active Member
Here's one that I got in my email:
While I was paying for my items in a local store, the man behind me laid his purchases on the counter. Among them was a large, flowery birthday card with "To my wonderful wife" printed on the front. The clerk said, "You've chosen our biggest and prettiest card."
The man nodded sadly and replied, "One day late."
 
travelerjp98

travelerjp98

Active Member
Another one that my friend made up:
At the playground, 3 kids all asked their mother the same question:
The first one says "Mother, why did you name me Daisy?" The mother replies "Because when you were born, I dropped a daisy on you""
The next one says "Mother, why did you name me Rose?" The mother replies "Because when you were born, I dropped a rose on you"
The final one says "GARGALFLRGWAL" The mother replies, "BRICK! Stop fooling around already!"
 
reefraff

reefraff

Active Member
Another one for the animal lovers
A guy is driving around the back woods of Ohio and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'
He rings the doorbell. The owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I worked for the Mounties.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I then signed up for a job at the Cleveland airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
'I later got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the backyard'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
flower

flower

Well-Known Member
A man had a pig and a visitor was talking to him and noticed the pig had one leg missing. So the visitor asked what happened…That pig? Says the farmer, “that pig saved my life once…I was struck under the tractor and that pig grabbed me by the leg and pulled me to safety”
“Is that how it lost its leg?”…. “no,” says the farmer…”another time that pig saw a burglar and squealed until we all woke up, we owe that pig plenty of thanks”…..The visitor scratches his head and asks again, “Is that how he lost his leg?” “no” says the farmer…”once that pig got out and my little granddaughter had wondered into the street, and the pig ran and jumped on her, making her fall and the car just missed her, that there is a good pig let me tell you”
The visitor asks “ is that when it lost its leg?” “Oh no” says the farmer…”when you have a real good pig like this one, you have to eat it it real slow.”
 
reefraff

reefraff

Active Member
Back when Bill Clinton was still president he was getting off his helicopter Marine One at the White House with his new puppy Buddy under his arm. As tradition dictates the Marine standing watch at the chopper snapped off a salute to his commander in chief. "How ya doing this mornin" The President says to the Marine. "Fine sir" the Marine replies, "Thats a fine looking dog you have there" the Marine continued. "Why thank you son, Got him for Hillary and Chelsae" The President responded. The marine smiled and said "You sure got the best of that trade sir"
 
S

saxman

Guest
A while ago, a new supermarket opened in Carson, CA . It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the dairy case, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of freshly mown hay.
In the meat department, the mouth-watering aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions permeates the area.
As you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
Needless to say, I was afraid to buy toilet paper there…
 
reefraff

reefraff

Active Member
Do you know what happened 161 years ago this fall... back in 1850? California became a state, the people had no electricity, the state had no money, almost everyone spoke Spanish, and there were gunfights in the streets. So basically nothing has changed except then the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands. That, my friends, is the history lesson for today.
 
flower

flower

Well-Known Member
Two men are sitting at a bar, located at the top of a high rise. One drunk says to the other. “Hey buddy, did you know that if you jump off the ledge of a building this high up, that an up draft will blow you right back to the window safe and sound?”
“The other says “no way, I’m may be drunk but I’m not stupid, if I jump off I will die”
To prove his point the first man goes to the window…opens it, and jumps…everyone runs to the window to look out…..sure enough half way down the man just swoops right back to the ledge safe and sound. The second drunk is impressed and jumps……..SPLAT…. he hits the ground and dies.
Everyone goes back to the counter and the bartender says to the first drunk…”you’re one mean drunk Superman.”
 
reefraff

reefraff

Active Member
Don't mean to pick on 0bama but these are too good not to share
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno
America needs Obama-care like
Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's'
new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like
and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien
Q: What does Barack Obama
call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between
Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers,
and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat
in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink,
who would be saved?
A: America!
--Jimmy Fallon
Q: What's the difference between
Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of
the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper
stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top