Thought I'd Share A Laugh!

travelerjp98

travelerjp98

Active Member
Quote:
Originally Posted by reefraff http:///t/387480/thought-i-d-share-a-laugh/100#post_3415992
Do you know what happened 161 years ago this fall... back in 1850? California became a state, the people had no electricity, the state had no money, almost everyone spoke Spanish, and there were gunfights in the streets. So basically nothing has changed except then the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands. That, my friends, is the history lesson for today.
Very funny and true.
Quote:
Originally Posted by reefraff http:///t/387480/thought-i-d-share-a-laugh/100#post_3416176
Don't mean to pick on 0bama but these are too good not to share
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno
America needs Obama-care like
Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's'
new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like
and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien
Q: What does Barack Obama
call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between
Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers,
and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat
in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink,
who would be saved?
A: America!
--Jimmy Fallon
Q: What's the difference between
Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of
the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper
stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
I love the second and last ones.
 
darthtang aw

darthtang aw

Active Member
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.



Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children in his arms," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
 
darthtang aw

darthtang aw

Active Member
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, 'Good Morning, Father; Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually. Then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said
'Good morning, Father; Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady, we are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'
 
darthtang aw

darthtang aw

Active Member
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
> gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
> change.
> One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
> It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
> It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 13 year old son,
> returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
> "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" John
> asked.
> "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project"
> said Tommy.
> The Robot immediately walked around the table and
> slapped Tommy, knocking
> him completely out of his chair.
>
>
>
> "Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where
> you went after
> school."
>
>
> ;
> "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."
> "What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
> "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The Robot
> again went around to
> Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off
> his chair.
> ;
>
> With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said,
> "I am sorry I lied.
> We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
> "I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your
> age, I never lied to
> my parents."
> The robot then walked around to John and delivered a
> roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
> Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears.
> "Boy, did you ever ask
> for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy.
> After all, he is your
> son!"
The Robot immediately knocked Marsha out of her
chair.
 
darthtang aw

darthtang aw

Active Member
The little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"
 
S

saxman

Guest
HAH...THIS time I made sure I wasn't actively drinking my coffee!

I always thought this one was funny, but I'll try to clean it up/censor it for the forum:
A little boy was rather bored one summer, and his mom suggested that he go down the block and watch the construction crew as they were building a house.
That evening, the boy returned with a huge smile on his face and told his mom that he learned a LOT that day, and might like to go into construction someday.
Well, his mom was quite pleased and asked "Tell me what you learned..."
"Well, I learned how to hang a door..."
She delighted replied "So, how does one hang a door"
"First, you slap the mo' fo' up, rip the mo' fo' down, shave it off a c*nt hair, slap the mo' fo back up, and screw the mo' fo home."
His mom was shocked at his language, and said "Just wait till you father gets home." And sent him to his room without supper.
So dad comes home from work, and of course, was sent in to talk to his son about his day.
So, dad pops in and asks why mom was so angry.
The kid replied, that at his mom's suggestion he went to watch the workers at the construction site, and learned how to hang a door. Dad asks "OK, how do you hag a door?"
"First, you slap the mo' fo' up, rip the mo' fo' down, shave it off a c*nt hair, slap the mo' fo back up, and screw the mo' fo home."
Dad was shocked, and blew his top "Well, I've NEVER heard such language in my life, and no son of mine will speak that way! Go cut me a switch!"
To that, his son replied "F*ck you...that's the electrician's job!"
 
reefraff

reefraff

Active Member
A boy asks his mother how our government works. His mom explains it like this. "I'll use our family as an example. Your father is like government, he overseas everything. You, your younger sister and I are the people, we are the ones government is here to serve. Your baby brother is our future and the Nanny is the working class". By now the boy is seriously confused and his mother tells him it's time for bed and he should sleep on it and they could talk more in the morning.
The boy had a hard time falling asleep as he pondered what his mom had told him. After what seemed like hours had passed he heard crying coming from his baby brother's room. He got up and went to see what the problem was. Upon opening the door it became obvious that the baby had dropped a serious stink bomb and needed changing badly. The boy went to the nanny's room to wake her to deal with the baby. As he approached her room he noticed the door was opened slightly and he could hear strange noises. He looked inside and saw his father "gettin busy" with the nanny. The boy got disgusted and went back to bed.
The next morning his mother told him maybe she didn't do such a good job of explaining government and should try again. The boy says "No, I understand now. The people are asleep while the government is screwing the working class and our future is in deep S#^!
 
S

saxman

Guest

Not really a joke, but kinda funny:
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it, so I said 'Implants?' She punched me.
Marriage changes passion...Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants!
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping', now I just 'chunky dunk'.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
 
flower

flower

Well-Known Member
True life funny is always best....my Uncle told me this story
My uncle, and his wife and my other Aunt Peggy went to a smorgasbord restursant...all you can eat. My Aunts are big ladies. He lets his wife in ahead of him in line and then Peggy behind him. While my uncle was getting his food he looks to the plate being loaded at his side. The plate was piled up so high it was ready to teeter, and feeling like being funny he says to his sister in law..."Why don't you leave some food for the rest of us?" as he finished the sentence looking up.....to his horror.....it isn't sweet big Aunt Peggy who he plays with and teases all the time, but a very overweight total stranger.
 
travelerjp98

travelerjp98

Active Member
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flower http:///t/387480/thought-i-d-share-a-laugh/120#post_3416864
True life funny is always best....my Uncle told me this story
My uncle, and his wife and my other Aunt Peggy went to a smorgasbord restaurant...all you can eat. My Aunts are big ladies. He lets his wife in ahead of him in line and then Peggy behind him. While my uncle was getting his food he looks to the plate being loaded at his side. The plate was piled up so high it was ready to teeter, and feeling like being funny he says to his sister in law..."Why don't you leave some food for the rest of us?" as he finished the sentence looking up.....to his horror.....it isn't sweet big Aunt Peggy who he plays with and teases all the time, but a very overweight total stranger.
HAHAHA!!! I love that one...
Quote:
Originally Posted by saxman http:///t/387480/thought-i-d-share-a-laugh/120#post_3416860
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!
AMEN!
One time we were babysitting a relatives little kid and he was on Microsoft word. Then we were looking through old pictures. He took a sharpie marker and scribbled all over it. Then we asked why he did it. He replied "Look, it's like magic! It's called the undo button!"... so he was looking all over to find an undo button and finally he found out that there was only an undo button on the computer.. he was dissapointed.
 
reefraff

reefraff

Active Member
Way way long ago my cousin's then girlfriend worked at a Carls Jr. They had a build your own salad bar but you could only go through once. My cousin and this friend of his would go there nearly every night for dinner. His girlfriend finally got tired of his friend sneaking through the salad bar 2 or 3 times so she tells him no more, only one trip through the line. So they walk over the the salad bar and the guy sets the bowl they give you for your salad aside, dumps the entire bowl of lettuce in the bar on the serving tray and proceeded to make a salad that pretty much cleaned out the salad bar and looks over and says "1 trip". The girlfriend didn't say a word but my cousin didn't eat there for a while after that.
 
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