rainbow grouper
Active Member
LOL
Thought I'd Share A Laugh!
- Thread starter bigarn
- Start date
S
saxman
Guest
There was a successful big game collector who was getting a bit on in years and decided to take on a younger partner. A zoo ordered a large male gorilla, so they packed up their gear and a large mean-looking dog.
Curious, the new guy asked what the dog was for, and his boss's reply was "Well, it works like this: you climb the tree the gorilla is in, and shake the branches. When the gorilla falls, ol' blue here runs up and grabs it by the cajones. This incapacitates the animal, and I crate it up."
"That's pretty cool...but what's the rifle for?"
"The rifle is just in case the gorilla doesn't cooperate and we get into trouble and have to shoot the beast."
So up the tree the newby climbs, but he miscalculates and loses his grip. On the way down, you could hear him yelling "Shoot the dog! Shoot the Dog!!!!"
Curious, the new guy asked what the dog was for, and his boss's reply was "Well, it works like this: you climb the tree the gorilla is in, and shake the branches. When the gorilla falls, ol' blue here runs up and grabs it by the cajones. This incapacitates the animal, and I crate it up."
"That's pretty cool...but what's the rifle for?"
"The rifle is just in case the gorilla doesn't cooperate and we get into trouble and have to shoot the beast."
So up the tree the newby climbs, but he miscalculates and loses his grip. On the way down, you could hear him yelling "Shoot the dog! Shoot the Dog!!!!"
reefraff
Active Member
A guy is looking for a new hunting dog. While visiting one kennel he sees one dog that is selling for 10,000.00 and asks the owner what was so special about that dog. The owner says "That there is the greatest bird dog in the world". The hunter seemed quite skeptical so the owner gives him a demonstration. He takes the dog out to the field and tells it "Seek!". The dog runs through the field and inspects a bush. He then turns around and runs back to the owner and barks 3 times. He then tells the dog "Flush!" and the dog runs back the to bush and amazingly flushes out 3 birds. The owner explains "The dog will tell you exactly how many birds are in the bush". The hunter was skeptical so the owner repeated the process. The dog came back, barked twice then flushed two birds. The hunter was quite impressed and decided to buy the wonder dog.
About 2 week had passed when the hunter shows up with the dog demanding his money back. "This dog is crazy" he says. The owner asks him why he thought the dog was crazy. "Well" began the hunter "We went hunting so I could show my buddies my new dog. First couple bushes went just like you said, first one he barked twice and flushed two birds, second one he barked 4 times and 4 birds came out". "Well then what was the problem?" the owner asks. "The next bush the dog to check he came back with a stick in his mouth. Then he started humpin my leg and shaking his head, he's crazy". The owner laughed and said "You gotta be smarter than the dog", "He was telling you there were more friggin birds in that bush than you can shake a stick at"
About 2 week had passed when the hunter shows up with the dog demanding his money back. "This dog is crazy" he says. The owner asks him why he thought the dog was crazy. "Well" began the hunter "We went hunting so I could show my buddies my new dog. First couple bushes went just like you said, first one he barked twice and flushed two birds, second one he barked 4 times and 4 birds came out". "Well then what was the problem?" the owner asks. "The next bush the dog to check he came back with a stick in his mouth. Then he started humpin my leg and shaking his head, he's crazy". The owner laughed and said "You gotta be smarter than the dog", "He was telling you there were more friggin birds in that bush than you can shake a stick at"
travelerjp98
Active Member
All of these are great. You could write a book with all of these.
travelerjp98
Active Member
Quote:
Originally Posted by Al&Burke http:///t/387480/thought-i-d-share-a-laugh/140#post_3416935
Who's there LOL - my ten year olds joke
OK, let's think of someone, It's Takashi Amano. (The Japanese aquarium designer highly known for his "nature" aquarium)
Originally Posted by Al&Burke http:///t/387480/thought-i-d-share-a-laugh/140#post_3416935
Who's there LOL - my ten year olds joke
OK, let's think of someone, It's Takashi Amano. (The Japanese aquarium designer highly known for his "nature" aquarium)
flower
Well-Known Member
Quote:
Originally Posted by reefraff http:///t/387480/thought-i-d-share-a-laugh/140#post_3417109
When we were kids we had this dog who wasn't particularly found of cats and a cat who didn't particularly suffer canines either. We had a Jack n Jill bathroom where there is a door on each side. One day my older brothers thought it would be cool to lock the cat and dog in the bathroom and let them "work things out". One went to one door with the cat, one goes to the other with the dog. Insert ingredients and shake well.
I've never heard noises like that before or since. They couldn't have been in there for more than a minute. It took my brothers the better part of the day to clean up the mess and another week of extra choirs to work off the cost of the shredded shower curtain. Till the day she died when my mom talked about the incident she said "There were poopy cat paw prints all over the ceiling. How does that happen?"
That cat must have gave as good as it got cause the dog stopped chasing it after that.
I could hardly read it aloud for my mother....I was in tears laughing...Oh to be a fly in a corner of that room....what would it take for a cat get poopy paw prints on the cieling???
Originally Posted by reefraff http:///t/387480/thought-i-d-share-a-laugh/140#post_3417109
When we were kids we had this dog who wasn't particularly found of cats and a cat who didn't particularly suffer canines either. We had a Jack n Jill bathroom where there is a door on each side. One day my older brothers thought it would be cool to lock the cat and dog in the bathroom and let them "work things out". One went to one door with the cat, one goes to the other with the dog. Insert ingredients and shake well.
I've never heard noises like that before or since. They couldn't have been in there for more than a minute. It took my brothers the better part of the day to clean up the mess and another week of extra choirs to work off the cost of the shredded shower curtain. Till the day she died when my mom talked about the incident she said "There were poopy cat paw prints all over the ceiling. How does that happen?"
That cat must have gave as good as it got cause the dog stopped chasing it after that.
I could hardly read it aloud for my mother....I was in tears laughing...Oh to be a fly in a corner of that room....what would it take for a cat get poopy paw prints on the cieling???
reefraff
Active Member
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flower http:///t/387480/thought-i-d-share-a-laugh/160#post_3417170
I could hardly read it aloud for my mother....I was in tears laughing...Oh to be a fly in a corner of that room....what would it take for a cat get poopy paw prints on the cieling???
My mom would laugh when she told the story but she wasn't laughing when it happened. She got back from the grocery store just about the time my oldest brother got the cat down from the top of the wall between the bath and toilet. She needed to use the restroom and wasn't prepared for what she was about to see and my brothers didn't have a chance to run for their lives.
We had an orchard with fruit trees. One day on her way home my mom thought she was having trouble with her eyes as she pulled up. The house looked like it had spots. Do you know how good over ripe fruit splatters? Another one she laughed about telling but didn't think it was too darned funny at the time. A friendly game of army turned when my brother came on an abandoned hens nest in the hay loft we were hiding from the others in. There were only a few rotten eggs so our victims overcame, out thought and adapted. Strategic withdraw to the Orchard for munitions. I found plumbs made the biggest splat but for pure knockdown power you couldn't beat an apricot. We even cleaned off the raspberry bushes.
After that incident my mom and grandma started canning fruit every year.
Originally Posted by Flower http:///t/387480/thought-i-d-share-a-laugh/160#post_3417170
I could hardly read it aloud for my mother....I was in tears laughing...Oh to be a fly in a corner of that room....what would it take for a cat get poopy paw prints on the cieling???
My mom would laugh when she told the story but she wasn't laughing when it happened. She got back from the grocery store just about the time my oldest brother got the cat down from the top of the wall between the bath and toilet. She needed to use the restroom and wasn't prepared for what she was about to see and my brothers didn't have a chance to run for their lives.
We had an orchard with fruit trees. One day on her way home my mom thought she was having trouble with her eyes as she pulled up. The house looked like it had spots. Do you know how good over ripe fruit splatters? Another one she laughed about telling but didn't think it was too darned funny at the time. A friendly game of army turned when my brother came on an abandoned hens nest in the hay loft we were hiding from the others in. There were only a few rotten eggs so our victims overcame, out thought and adapted. Strategic withdraw to the Orchard for munitions. I found plumbs made the biggest splat but for pure knockdown power you couldn't beat an apricot. We even cleaned off the raspberry bushes.
After that incident my mom and grandma started canning fruit every year.
flower
Well-Known Member
Quote:
Originally Posted by reefraff http:///t/387480/thought-i-d-share-a-laugh/160#post_3417179
My mom would laugh when she told the story but she wasn't laughing when it happened. She got back from the grocery store just about the time my oldest brother got the cat down from the top of the wall between the bath and toilet. She needed to use the restroom and wasn't prepared for what she was about to see and my brothers didn't have a chance to run for their lives.
We had an orchard with fruit trees. One day on her way home my mom thought she was having trouble with her eyes as she pulled up. The house looked like it had spots. Do you know how good over ripe fruit splatters? Another one she laughed about telling but didn't think it was too darned funny at the time. A friendly game of army turned when my brother came on an abandoned hens nest in the hay loft we were hiding from the others in. There were only a few rotten eggs so our victims overcame, out thought and adapted. Strategic withdraw to the Orchard for munitions. I found plumbs made the biggest splat but for pure knockdown power you couldn't beat an apricot. We even cleaned off the raspberry bushes.
After that incident my mom and grandma started canning fruit every year.
so that's why the can, to keep you boys from playing army with the fruit???
Originally Posted by reefraff http:///t/387480/thought-i-d-share-a-laugh/160#post_3417179
My mom would laugh when she told the story but she wasn't laughing when it happened. She got back from the grocery store just about the time my oldest brother got the cat down from the top of the wall between the bath and toilet. She needed to use the restroom and wasn't prepared for what she was about to see and my brothers didn't have a chance to run for their lives.
We had an orchard with fruit trees. One day on her way home my mom thought she was having trouble with her eyes as she pulled up. The house looked like it had spots. Do you know how good over ripe fruit splatters? Another one she laughed about telling but didn't think it was too darned funny at the time. A friendly game of army turned when my brother came on an abandoned hens nest in the hay loft we were hiding from the others in. There were only a few rotten eggs so our victims overcame, out thought and adapted. Strategic withdraw to the Orchard for munitions. I found plumbs made the biggest splat but for pure knockdown power you couldn't beat an apricot. We even cleaned off the raspberry bushes.
After that incident my mom and grandma started canning fruit every year.
rainbow grouper
Active Member
some of these are good some are bad but what would i know most are adult jokes so what would i know
flower
Well-Known Member
Another true story...I have two boys one year apart, now grown
My late husband had a bad temper. One day I came home from work...there was a half of a hotdog on the window ledge. So I ask aloud..."Why is there a weenie in the window?" My 13 year old oldest son finding it funny to call it a weenie, says.."Dad threw his weenie" I knew better than to ask, but " and why did Dad through his weenie?"
Dan came storming into the living room at that moment having overheard the conversation. "Because they wouldn't look under the bed for the mustard" Stiffling a laugh at his stupidity, I ask....."Did you look in the door of the refrigerator?" I said this as I head for the fridge to check...he says he looked, but when I opened the door, there it was, in the exact spot it was for the last week.
The I ask another really dumb question..."Why would you think it would be under the boys bed?" To that my husband answered.."That's where I found the cooking oil"
I didn't want to know anymore.
My late husband had a bad temper. One day I came home from work...there was a half of a hotdog on the window ledge. So I ask aloud..."Why is there a weenie in the window?" My 13 year old oldest son finding it funny to call it a weenie, says.."Dad threw his weenie" I knew better than to ask, but " and why did Dad through his weenie?"
Dan came storming into the living room at that moment having overheard the conversation. "Because they wouldn't look under the bed for the mustard" Stiffling a laugh at his stupidity, I ask....."Did you look in the door of the refrigerator?" I said this as I head for the fridge to check...he says he looked, but when I opened the door, there it was, in the exact spot it was for the last week.
The I ask another really dumb question..."Why would you think it would be under the boys bed?" To that my husband answered.."That's where I found the cooking oil"
I didn't want to know anymore.
reefraff
Active Member
When my mom and stepdad were still drinking things would get out of hand once in a while if the Stepdad would drink the hard stuff. About 1 in the morning I woke up to a rip snortin screaming match in the living room. I hit the hallway about the same time as my little sister to go break things up. We get to the living room to find them sitting on the couch screaming at each other as they compared their arches on their feet. Seriously? All this over who has the highest arch. First time I ever dropped the F bomb in front of my mom.
darthtang aw
Active Member
When i was a small boy i used to sleep walk. My parents were used to this and so would wake up and "assist" me back to bed. One night i walked into their bed room. Stood at the foot of their bed and just stared at them. My parents wake up and ask if i am ok.
I stand there for about 10 seconds and then.
Whip it out and start spraying all over the bed like a fire hose. Yes i peed on my parents. Tucked it a way and went back to my room. Remember nothing. My parents were screaming at me to stop the whole time...never woke up once.
Darth (it isnt just your cereal I pee in) Tang
I stand there for about 10 seconds and then.
Whip it out and start spraying all over the bed like a fire hose. Yes i peed on my parents. Tucked it a way and went back to my room. Remember nothing. My parents were screaming at me to stop the whole time...never woke up once.
Darth (it isnt just your cereal I pee in) Tang
reefraff
Active Member
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darthtang AW http:///t/387480/thought-i-d-share-a-laugh/160#post_3417600
When i was a small boy i used to sleep walk. My parents were used to this and so would wake up and "assist" me back to bed. One night i walked into their bed room. Stood at the foot of their bed and just stared at them. My parents wake up and ask if i am ok.
I stand there for about 10 seconds and then.
Whip it out and start spraying all over the bed like a fire hose. Yes i peed on my parents. Tucked it a way and went back to my room. Remember nothing. My parents were screaming at me to stop the whole time...never woke up once.
Darth (it isnt just your cereal I pee in) Tang
Which reinforces my old saying "it's better to be peed off than peed on"
Originally Posted by Darthtang AW http:///t/387480/thought-i-d-share-a-laugh/160#post_3417600
When i was a small boy i used to sleep walk. My parents were used to this and so would wake up and "assist" me back to bed. One night i walked into their bed room. Stood at the foot of their bed and just stared at them. My parents wake up and ask if i am ok.
I stand there for about 10 seconds and then.
Whip it out and start spraying all over the bed like a fire hose. Yes i peed on my parents. Tucked it a way and went back to my room. Remember nothing. My parents were screaming at me to stop the whole time...never woke up once.
Darth (it isnt just your cereal I pee in) Tang
Which reinforces my old saying "it's better to be peed off than peed on"
travelerjp98
Active Member
HAHA That's a funny story darth... I have to tell the story of when my grandma sleepwalked...
So my grandma is all about health and exercise. She keeps some chocolate in her cupboards just for when guests come over. My grandpa noticed that the chocolate was disappearing. So he was watching her throughout the night and saw her eat a whole box of chocolates in her sleep!
So my grandma is all about health and exercise. She keeps some chocolate in her cupboards just for when guests come over. My grandpa noticed that the chocolate was disappearing. So he was watching her throughout the night and saw her eat a whole box of chocolates in her sleep!
flower
Well-Known Member
Quote:
Originally Posted by travelerjp98 http:///t/387480/thought-i-d-share-a-laugh/160#post_3417663
HAHA That's a funny story darth... I have to tell the story of when my grandma sleepwalked...
So my grandma is all about health and exercise. She keeps some chocolate in her cupboards just for when guests come over. My grandpa noticed that the chocolate was disappearing. So he was watching her throughout the night and saw her eat a whole box of chocolates in her sleep!
It isn't uncommon to eat in your sleep, my son in law gets up in the middle of the night and will eat an entire new bag of chips and not remember a thing. Just walk to the cupboard, get a bag, open it and walk around the kitchen eating it till it's gone... I was staying the night, sleeping on the sofa and watched him do it...next day he goes looking for the chips and I remind him he ate them all. My daughter then told me he sleep walks and does that all the time.
However...peeing on ones parents, that's a new one.
Originally Posted by travelerjp98 http:///t/387480/thought-i-d-share-a-laugh/160#post_3417663
HAHA That's a funny story darth... I have to tell the story of when my grandma sleepwalked...
So my grandma is all about health and exercise. She keeps some chocolate in her cupboards just for when guests come over. My grandpa noticed that the chocolate was disappearing. So he was watching her throughout the night and saw her eat a whole box of chocolates in her sleep!
It isn't uncommon to eat in your sleep, my son in law gets up in the middle of the night and will eat an entire new bag of chips and not remember a thing. Just walk to the cupboard, get a bag, open it and walk around the kitchen eating it till it's gone... I was staying the night, sleeping on the sofa and watched him do it...next day he goes looking for the chips and I remind him he ate them all. My daughter then told me he sleep walks and does that all the time.
However...peeing on ones parents, that's a new one.
rainbow grouper
Active Member
now those are funny
reefraff
Active Member
A guy runs into a bar. What do you expect, he was drunk and didn't duck.
I kill me.
Anyway a guy who's obviously been drinking walks into a bar and says "Bartender, gimmi a beer!" He quickly drinks the beer and asks "How tall is a penguin?" The bartender guesses a foot or so tall. The man says "Gimmi a Bourbon" and quickly downs that. He then asks the bartender "How tall is a king penguin?" to which the bartender answers "maybe 2 feet tall". Now the man orders a double scotch. After quickly downing that he asks the bartender "an emperor penguin is the tallest, right? how tall are they?" The bartender says "yes I do know the emperor is the tallest penguin and they can be has much as three feet tall". The customer is obviously very distressed by this time and tells the bartender to just leave the bottle. The bartender says "I'm not sure I can continue to serve you. You weren't feeling much pain when you walked in and it's obvious something is bothering you. How can I help?". The man says "Leave the bottle, I'm pretty sure I just ran over a nun".
I kill me.
Anyway a guy who's obviously been drinking walks into a bar and says "Bartender, gimmi a beer!" He quickly drinks the beer and asks "How tall is a penguin?" The bartender guesses a foot or so tall. The man says "Gimmi a Bourbon" and quickly downs that. He then asks the bartender "How tall is a king penguin?" to which the bartender answers "maybe 2 feet tall". Now the man orders a double scotch. After quickly downing that he asks the bartender "an emperor penguin is the tallest, right? how tall are they?" The bartender says "yes I do know the emperor is the tallest penguin and they can be has much as three feet tall". The customer is obviously very distressed by this time and tells the bartender to just leave the bottle. The bartender says "I'm not sure I can continue to serve you. You weren't feeling much pain when you walked in and it's obvious something is bothering you. How can I help?". The man says "Leave the bottle, I'm pretty sure I just ran over a nun".
rainbow grouper
Active Member
i dont get it
S
saxman
Guest
Reef,
I was LMAO. It also made me think of the Blues Brothers where they were referring to the Rev. Mother as "The Penguin".
I was LMAO. It also made me think of the Blues Brothers where they were referring to the Rev. Mother as "The Penguin".